Matt’s Horror Addiction

Blackout – 1985, Canada/US, 98m. Director: Douglas Hickox.

The Demon Lover – 1977, US, 74m. Director: Donald G. Jackson, Jerry Younkins.

Night Angel – 1990, US, 88m. Director: Dominique Othenin-Girard

Possession – 1981, France/West Germany, 124m. Director: Andrzej Zulawski.

BLACKOUT (1985) An amnesiac, disfigured in a car crash, undergoes several facial reconstructive surgeries and discovers his name is Allen Devlin. Devlin (Keith Carradine) begins romancing his friendly doctor (Kathleen Quinlan) and, in the following years, the two start a family. Suburban bliss turns sour, however, when Devlin is stalked by an obsessive cop (Richard Widmark) who believes Devlin might actually be a psychopath who brutally murdered his own family six years earlier. Despite being a made-for-television thriller, Blackout is taut stuff and predates the similar The Stepfather. Established British filmmaker Douglas Hickox (Theater of Blood) delivers a well-rounded mystery, which works mostly because of believable situations and likable characters—including Quinlan, who’s excellent. Recommended, if you can find it. B (Currently unavailable.)

THE DEMON LOVER (1977) A woman is summoned to a graveyard in the middle of the night, where she’s clawed to death by some sort of monster. Later on, a group of friends who follow a cultist named Laval (Christmas Robbins, resembling Robby Steinhardt of the band Kansas) question their leader’s motives when Laval instructs the women to disrobe and open their legs for the men. Seeking retribution, Laval performs a ritual which brings forth a demon to kill his ex-cult members. Baffled by the bizarre deaths, a homicide detective seeks help from a local occult expert (Texas Chainsaw Massacre‘s Gunner Hansen), who informs the cop of the sinister dealings of underground black magic practitioners like Laval. Since this information has been evident to the viewer from the get-go, all one can do is sit back and try to enjoy this obscure bargain-basement oddity made by people who probably saw Rosemary’s Baby on acid. Entertaining in spite of itself. Look for Howard the Duck co-creator Val Mayerik in a small role. C+ (Currently streaming via Tubi.)

NIGHT ANGEL (1990) Lilith—the Biblical Adam’s first wife and mistress to Satan, the subject of theologists and Jewish folklore scholars the world over, and the antagonist of so many films of the late eighties—had, by 1990, replaced the vampire as the modern horror movie’s femme fatale. In Night Angel, Lilith (Isa Andersen) crawls out of Hell to seduce and kill the mostly male staff of a highfalutin fashion magazine in order to take over the business. That’s small peanuts compared to world domination, but within the context of the movie’s shallow world of sex and glamour it works splendidly. As soon as Lilith gets into town, she fucks one of the magazine’s editors to death before slaughtering his family. This is followed by an unintentionally hilarious sequence where Lilith, in an attempt to woo the crowd, dances for a room of publishers. More people end up murdered as she engulfs the fashion community, including the magazine’s zombified owner, who walks into an elevator shaft and plummets to his death. Lilith doesn’t stop at just men—she turns the magazine’s sex-starved heiress (Karen Black) into a brain-dead guinea pig. Photos of Lilith circulate the office, turning the employees into homicidal horndogs. Supplied by K.N.B. EFX, the makeup and other special effects are first-rate—a prolonged hallucination features the hero (Linden Ashby) walking through a David Lynchian version of Hell amidst a sea of ghastly bodily mutations, including the ultimate pair of tits. When it comes to acting, the folks of Night Angel don’t dial it back—especially Anderson, who’s particularly unrestrained in the moaning department—but would we have it any other way? I certainly hope not! Unadulterated camp—not to be missed. B (Currently available on YouTube.)

POSSESSION (1981) Mark (Sam Neill) and Anna (Isabelle Adjani) are very unhappy. Married and with a young son, the couple do nothing but scream at each other—often for no particular reason other than because the script calls for it—and throw things around as if they’re living in a skit from the Muppet Show. Anna is having an affair, but upon confronting her lover, Mark discovers she cut it off months ago. This is because Anna’s new lover is big, slimy, and not human. A private detective, hired by Mark, is murdered by Anna after stumbling upon her secret—she keeps the beast in a grungy apartment where she feeds it the body parts of her victims. Possession is a movie that takes itself very seriously, which is amusing considering it’s nothing more than an overwrought rip-off of Cronenberg’s The Brood. Both Adjani and Neill overact, with the script failing to make either character sympathetic or the slightest bit interesting. It says something when the monster turns out to be the smartest character in the movie. But, maybe that was the point? A critical and commercial bomb that’s only recently received attention from the intelligentsia who praise its grotesque decadence. D– (Currently streaming on Kanopy.)

Horror Express – 1972, Spain/UK, 86m. Director: Eugenio Martin.

The House on Straw Hill – 1976, UK, 84m. Director: James Kenelm Clarke.

Mansion of the Doomed – 1976, US, 88m. Director: Michael Pataki.

Out of the Dark – 1988, US, 90m. Director: Michael Schroeder.

HORROR EXPRESS (1972) The unearthing of a prehistoric relic—in the form of a Cro-Magnon man—at the turn of the 20th century spells doom for its discoverer (Christopher Lee) and the passengers on board a train when the fossil is transported through Russian territory. Unbeknownst to all involved, the body harbors some sort of parasitic alien life form that’s able to boil its victims brains in their skulls and take over the mind of others, thereby hiding among the travelers without their knowledge. In the process of finding out who is committing the murders, Lee and fellow scientist Peter Cushing—whadda team!—sample a victim’s blood and, through a microscope, see images of Earth from space. The idea that the creature’s blood holds photographic memories of its million-year lifespan is preposterous even by 1970s genre standards. Horror Express has the appearance of a high-class production but it’s nothing more than a lowbrow rip-off of John W. Campbell’s novella Who Goes There? made earlier (and better) as The Thing From Another World (1951). A quick pace and good cast help to capture the viewer’s attention even when the movie descends into utter nonsense—which is quite often. Recommended only for hardcore Lee/Cushing completists. C (Currently streaming on Plex and Tubi.)

THE HOUSE ON STRAW HILL (1976) (AKA: Exposé; Trauma) To finish his new book, pompous writer Udo Kier moves into a house in the British countryside (the house on Straw Hill, I presume) in order to escape his lecherous ex-girlfriend. He instead finds a new source of lechery in the form of secretary Linda Hayden (Taste the Blood of Dracula), who moves into the cottage with Kier and partakes in secretarial work, such as typing, masturbating, and joining Kier in the sack for some midday screwing—she seems particularly skilled at the latter. The ex (Fiona Richmond) eventually returns and, wouldn’t you know it, becomes the subject of a graphic lesbian sex scene. The sexcapades escalate to murder as Hayden performs a revenge-fueled knifing on Richmond before she and Kier have a fight-to-the-death showdown. The truth surfaces as the viewer discovers—through Hayden’s sanguinary activities—that Kier’s first novel was actually written by Hayden’s husband, who later committed suicide after Kier stole the manuscript, turning it into a best-seller. It’s a shame The House on Straw Hill never turns into a good movie; the final product ends up being nothing more than a shallow exercise in softcore pornography. Hayden never becomes a believable character, while Kier gives a wooden performance, made worse by awkward dubbing—despite the fact Kier is speaking English, his voice has been replaced by an American actor’s. Best to stay away from Straw Hill altogether. D (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

MANSION OF THE DOOMED (1976) In what’s essentially a loose remake of George Franju’s Eyes Without a Face, surgeon Richard Basehart goes to murderous lengths to restore his daughter’s eyesight. After Basehart causes his beautiful daughter (Trish Stewart) to go blind in a car accident, he becomes obsessed in discovering a way to perform a live eye transplant, which all of his colleagues insist can’t be done. Experimentation soon becomes the order of the day for the loony Doc who—along with the help of his assistant (Gloria Grahame)—kidnaps and performs hideous eye transplants on an assortment of victims, including Stewart’s fiancé (Lance Henriksen). Once eyeless, the “patients” are kept locked in the cellar of Basehart’s Beverly Hills mansion, where they grow into an angry mob, hungry for revenge. Mansion of the Doomed is entertaining in spite of itself, but looses momentum in the third act when the plot is swallowed in unbelievable conveniences and an unnecessary subplot involving a detective (Alice‘s Vic Tayback) wasting the viewer’s time by trying to solve the mystery. The story crescendos in the final ten minutes when the sightless horde escapes and gives Basehart a taste of his own medicine. C+ (Currently available on Plex and Tubi.)

OUT OF THE DARK (1988) The phone sex business is a hard trade, in more ways than one. The women of Suite Nothings not only have to keep their clients on the line as long as possible to make their quota, but also have to dodge the knife of a psychopathic killer in a clown mask. Apparently, these “phone fantasy girls” are so popular within their L.A. community that the boyfriend (Cameron Dye) of one of the women is assigned by a prestigious magazine to snap some pics for a cover story. Dye naturally becomes the prime suspect when photos of the first murder victim are discovered in his studio—but the actual maniac is most likely a) the leering four-eyed creep who works down the hall, b) a sleazy photographer who secretly takes pictures of women undressing through their windows, or c) Dye, the boyfriend of one of the phone sex… Oops! A nonfunctional brew of neo-noir crime elements intermixed with slasher movie cliches, Out of the Dark has a good cast trying their best within the context of the intermittently silly screenplay—and, what a cast! Karen Black! Burt Cort! Tab Hunter! Geoffrey Lewis! Paul Bartel! Divine! It’s too bad none of them can save this unabashedly awful movie from itself. D (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

The Forest – 2016, US, 93m. Director: Jason Zada.

Let’s Scare Jessica to Death – 1971, US, 89m. Director: John D. Hancock.

The Loreley’s Grasp – 1973, Spain, 84m. Director: Amando de Ossorio.

The Murder Clinic – 1966, Italy/France, 82m. Director: Elio Scardamaglia, Lionello De Felice.

THE FOREST (2016) On the northwest side of Japan’s Mount Fuji lies the Aokigahara, a vast forest known by locals to be filled with spirits of the dead, and a popular locale for those who wish to commit suicide. It’s in this ghostly wilderness where American teacher Jess was last seen before she disappeared. Twin sister Sara (Natalie Dormer, Game of Thrones) senses her distraught sibling’s vibes and travels to Japan to find her. Sara’s plight interests a journalist (Taylor Kinney) writing about the “Suicide Forest,” and the two hire a guide to take them into the woods. Isolation and disorientation set in until Sara becomes too psychologically unbalanced to tell what’s real and what’s in her head. The film’s roots look like they stem from the world of J-horror, but those expecting a movie filled with nonstop jump scares might be disappointed in The Forest‘s subtler approach. There are a few scary moments but the majority of the movie is focused on character and mood. Unfortunately, the third act is disjointed and clumsy, culminating in a silly “shock” ending that feels tacked on. B– (Currently not streaming.)

LET’S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH (1971) Emotionally fragile Jessica (Zohra Lampert) is taken by her husband (Barton Heyman) to convalesce in the country after she’s released from a mental hospital. Upon arriving at their new home, Jessica begins seeing a woman in white around the property—a woman who might be the ghost of someone who lived in the house decades earlier, before drowning in the nearby lake. Jessica’s mental stability starts to break when she discovers a dead body in the woods and is later attacked by a female specter from below the lake’s surface. This low budget oddity has recently gained attention from film scholars but it’s really nothing more than an uninvolving retelling of Sheridan Le Fanu’s Carmilla told through the viewpoint of a disillusioned housewife. Atmospheric but empty, and with Lampert giving a one-note performance. C (Currently not streaming.)

THE LORELEY’S GRASP (1973) (AKA: When the Screaming Stops) This movie has a helluva opening! On a dark night in Rhine, Germany, a scaly beast with claws crashes through a window and slashes a woman to death—her bloodied, lifeless body is shown in close-up as the opening credits roll. Too bad the rest of the film stinks. The victim was from an all-girl’s school—the kind that only admit centerfolds—that hires a sharpshooter (Tony Kendall) to protect the rest of the student body should more attacks occur. Kendall’s presence proves fruitless when another student is torn to pieces by the monster. Some believe it’s the work of a wild animal, but audiences know it’s the Lorelei—a legendary supernatural being that can take the form of a woman and transform into a lizard-like creature when the moon is full. After a blind beggar has his heart ripped out by the Lorelei (this movie seems to have an endless supply of torn-open fake torsos), Kendall teams up with a scientist (and Lorelei expert) to try and stop the killings. A group of townspeople round up the usual idiots to form a pitchfork-and-torch-carrying mob, hellbent on destroying the Lorelei—but much like Kendall’s himbo hunter, they fail to kill it. The Lorelei’s grasp is eventually overcome when she’s stabbed with a sacrificial dagger, but not before a quick embrace by a smitten Kendall after she transforms into busty Helga Liné. I guess love does win in the end. A handsomely made, typically asinine epic from Amando de Ossorio (Tombs of the Blind Dead). D+ (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

THE MURDER CLINIC (1966) A 19th century mental institution becomes the killing ground of a hooded maniac who slices up the patients—and staff—with a straight razor. The first on-screen victim, a mute woman, manages to escape to the nearby countryside, but succumbs to the murderer’s slashing; her book is found by a nurse the next morning with a slash torn across it. That nurse (Barbara Wilson) is new to the clinic and is introduced to the patients, all of whom seem to suffer from fits of rage, and all of whom are potential suspects. The real suspect is the hideously scarred sister-in-law of Dr. Robert Vance (William Berger), who hides in the attic—the sight of her deformed face makes a guest faint from shock (or perhaps she was surprised by the lousy make-up job). The Murder Clinic has all of the hallmarks of an early Italian slasher, or giallo—the gloved killer, the bevy of beautiful women, the complex backstory involving the protagonist. What the film doesn’t have are interesting characters, surprises, or a lick of suspense throughout its 82 minutes. C– (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

The Horror of Party Beach – 1964, US, 78m. Director: Len Tenney.

Keep My Grave Open – 1977, US, 73m. Director: S.F. Brownrigg.

Night of the Bloody Apes – 1969, Mexico, 84m. Director: René Cardona.

The Nightcomers – 1971, UK, 97m. Director: Michael Winner.

THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH (1964) Radioactive waste dumped into the ocean transforms the dead crew of a sunken fishing boat into humanoid sea monsters. The creatures ascend topside at a popular beach and kill a teen, igniting a feeding frenzy within the local scientific community. This low-grade teenybopper exploitation flick takes the upbeat musical components of the Frankie Avalon/Annette Funicello bikini romp, Beach Party, and mixes it with the horrors of Creature from the Black Lagoon, but with extremely mixed results. Much of the film’s poor craftsmanship ranks within the so-bad-it’s-good category, but its plotless story structure holds your attention only for so long. Luckily, Horror of Party Beach‘s scant 78 minutes won’t keep you from straying too far from the TV. A drive-in crap classic that predates the Roger Corman-produced Humanoids from the Deep, which features a similar plot but with 1980s-infused nudity and violence. C+ (Currently streaming on Prime.)

KEEP MY GRAVE OPEN (1977) If anyone needs more proof that Hitchcock’s Psycho influenced a whole generation of independent filmmakers, look no further than with this low-budget oddity. Lesley (Camilla Carr) lives an isolated life in a hilltop manor with her brother, Kevin. The young woman, who seems to be in a permanent state of upset, suffers from headaches and is constantly bickering with her bro, who wisely stays behind closed doors. When Lesley is in the mood for love, she seeks affection from stable boy Bobby (Stephen Tobolowsky), whose girlfriend ultimately winds up on the wrong end of a sword. Lesley’s hormones continue to surge, and after getting dolled up (and looking like Faye Dunaway in Bonnie and Clyde) she commits the most forbidden of acts with Kevin. This is followed by the slashing of another victim in the bathroom. But there’s a twist, folks! Kevin fled town years ago and left sis a loony psycho who lives in a fantasy world, using big bro’s saber to take down those she feels threatened by. Pretty scary, huh? Not really. Despite its overt silliness, Keep My Grave Open expects to be taken seriously. That’s a tough sell for a movie that seems destined to end up on a revival of Mystery Science Theater 3000. C– (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES (1969) Desperate to cure his teenage son, Julio’s, leukemia, a medical doctor takes a gorilla’s heart and transplants it into the young man. After we’re treated to some graphic footage of real open-heart surgery—the squeamish will want to look away—Julio wakes up on the operating table a new man, so to speak. His newfound health is short-lived when he begins to develop ape-like facial deformities—and a thirst for brutally murdering his fellow homo sapiens. This notorious south-of-the-border gore job has all of the hallmarks of an unintentional howler, including bad editing, laughable acting, Ed Wood-level writing, and is possibly the first “the-make-up-ends-at-the-neck” example of obliviously terrible filmmaking. A subplot featuring a female wrestler seems to have been tacked on to pad out the running time, but Mexican female wrestling fans will most likely rejoice. Slightly amusing and all-moronic, Night of the Bloody Apes is Mexican trash cinema at its weirdest. The movie is actually a remake of director René Cardona’s previous Doctor of Doom, but with a lot more boobs and blood. D+ (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

THE NIGHTCOMERS (1971) Marlon Brando’s last hurrah before The Godfather gave him his superstar resurgence, this handsome but murky film acts as a prequel to Henry James’s The Turn of the Screw, which was adapted to great success as The Innocents (1961). Brando plays the brutish Peter Quint, groundskeeper to Bly Manor and home to orphans Flora (Verna Harvey) and Miles (Christopher Ellis) and their buxom governess, Ms. Jessel (Stephanie Beacham). Quint spends his days tending to the horses, drinking, and acting like a general buffoon. Despite his lecherous demeanor, Flora and Miles take an immediate liking to Quint—he tells the easily manipulated Miles that the rape Quint committed against Ms. Jessel, which Miles witnessed, is a form of lovemaking. Quint’s corruption turns Miles and Flora into psychopathic brats and Ms. Jessel into a lovelorn halfwit who literally rows a boat to her doom while pining for her despicable “lover.” The script never develops these people into actual characters the viewer can sympathize with; instead, the actors go through the motions like zombified caricatures. Brando’s terrible Scottish accent is one for the ages. Read Turn of the Screw and bypass this flaky production without a second thought. D (Currently unavailable.)

Blue Monkey – 1987, Canada, 96m. Director: William Fruet.

Brain Dead – 1990, US, 84m. Director: Adam Simon.

A Day of Judgement – 1981, US, 93m. Director: Charles Reynolds.

Humanoids from the Deep – 1980, US, 80m. Director: Barbara Peeters.

BLUE MONKEY (1987) (AKA: Insect) An infection caused by a plant originating from a volcanic island in Micronesia causes its host to barf up a parasitic organism. The doctors at the local hospital—which is also the location of an experimental computer that can produce lasers, I think—are baffled, especially when the parasite metamorphoses into a weird bug. Luckily, one of the doctors knows an entomologist. This proves a feeble attempt at help when the bug is accidentally exposed to a growth hormone and transforms into a ginormous grasshopper, subsequently going on a killing spree by tearing the patients and staff asunder. Fortunately for the rest of the potential bug chow, straight-laced detective Steve Railsback is on site and ready to Serve and Protect, especially after the city enforces a building quarantine. Convenience is something the script of Blue Monkey has in strides. What it doesn’t have are interesting characters, intelligence, suspense, or convincing special FX, most of which are hidden within bad lighting. As for the title, it’s a reference to a recurring dream mentioned by a child. Sneeze and you’ll miss that plot point entirely. C– (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

BRAIN DEAD (1990) Neurosurgeon Martin (Bill Pullman) is asked by college friend Reston (Bill Paxton) to study the brain of schizophrenic murderer Halsey (Bud Cort), who resides at mental institution, Lakeside, owned by Reston’s employer. Before his mind snapped and he killed his family, Halsey came up with some kind of formula that would’ve made the company millions. He destroyed his work but Reston believes the information still resides in Halsey’s brain, which is where Martin comes into play—to do selective brain exploration. Reality begins to blur when Martin wakes up as a patient at Lakeside, bringing into question whether he’s insane or part of some diabolical corporate plan. More cerebral thriller than anything else, Brain Dead is an interesting film, but it’s also a frustrating one. The fine line of Reality vs. Dreams isn’t quite as refined here as in other movies dealing with the subject—Lost Highway (1997), for example. But the film manages to overcome most of its obstacles thanks to a tight pace and strong acting by Pullman and Cort. It’s nothing special, but you’ll never be bored. B– (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

A DAY OF JUDGEMENT (1981) Southern-based independent filmmaker Earl Owensby made a name for himself in the seventies by producing, writing, directing, and acting in several low-budget movies primarily made in his hometown of Shelby, North Carolina. The majority of Owensby’s films were action and exploitation titles, but by the eighties Owensby dipped his toe into the world of horror, starting with Wolfman in 1979 and ending with Rottweiler 3-D in 1983. In between came A Day of Judgement, a well-intended but meandering horror-melodrama. The advent of the swinging 1920s in a small Southern town turns the once God-fearing residents into unrepentant sinners. The departure of the disillusioned town priest is met with the arrival of a mysterious, scythe-wielding figure who gives the narcissistic residents a taste of their own medicine—after an old battleaxe poisons her neighbor’s dog, she’s pulled into her precious flowerbed by disembodied hands and down to the fiery pits of Hell. More naughty townsfolk are eventually collected into the Grim Reaper’s grip and dragged to Purgatory, where they repent and are given a second chance in the form of the tiresome “It Was Only a Dream” plot twist. A Day of Judgement wallows in its soap opera subplots to the point where I was starting to look at the clock. However, the film gets some credit for trying something different during the height of the slasher heyday, with the filmmakers placing an emphasis on character over splatter—although there is an impressive on-camera decapitation for the gore enthusiasts. According to Stephen Thrower (author of the terrific Nightmare U.S.A.: The Untold Story of the Exploitation Independents), the film failed to secure theatrical distribution and was release direct to video. It’s easy to see why. C (Currently unavailable.)

HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP (1980) A small fishing community is besieged by a horde of aquatic creatures, which descend upon the town during its summer festivities. The deaths of several beach-goers interrupts the otherwise mundane interactions of the locals, including a racial spat between a group of bumpkins lead by Vic Morrow and a Native American fisherman. The watery beasts eventually move from murder to rape, impregnating their female victims to insure the continuation of their kind. It’s a colorful conglomeration of underwater horror titles like Creature from the Black Lagoon and Jaws, with added nudity and gore. The participation of a woman director (Barbara Peeters) gives the film an edgier vibe, but most of the splatter and T&A was shot by an uncredited Jimmy Murakami. The climactic attack on a beachfront night carnival is both funny and gruesome, and features impressive make-up FX courtesy of Rob Bottin. Great fun! B+ (Currently streaming Prime, Shudder, and Tubi.)

The Astro-Zombies – 1968, US, 93m. Director: Ted V. Mikels.

Mind Killer – 1987, US, 86m. Director: Michael Krueger.

Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge – 1989, US, 91m. Director: Richard Friedman.

Zombie Nightmare – 1987, Canada, 83m. Director: Jack Bravman.

THE ASTRO-ZOMBIES (1968) Former president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Wendell Corey, slums it in this rip-off of every Ed Wood movie from the fifties. Corey plays a G-Man looking for mad scientist John Carradine, who’s concocted a plan to create a race of superhuman beings—just like Bela Lugosi in Bride of the Monster—via “astro science” (i.e. assembling body parts from the recently dead to build Frankenstein-like zombies). Carradine’s creations ultimately get the best of him and go on a massacre. Plastic special effects abound. The gory action is intermixed with scenes involving a spy ring and the CIA, most likely due to the recent release of the James Bond film You Only Live Twice. With its plethora of polyester suits, beehive hairstyles, and knee-high boots, The Astro-Zombies will most likely cure anybody inflicted with nostalgia for the sixties. D (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

MIND KILLER (1987) Nebbish librarian Warren (Joe McDonald), who has no luck in meeting Ms. Right, stumbles upon a manuscript that promises the power of mind control. Despite being told by his coworker that the author was mysteriously murdered, Warren becomes obsessed with the document and turns into a regular Buddy Love. His newfound abilities spin out of control (in a squeamish scene, a coworker has his fingers sliced by a rogue paper cutter) and manifest into a small, sack-like creature that slowly bursts out of his body. Mind Killer borrows ideas from H.P. Lovecraft within the context of a low-budget direct-to-video movie, but there’s a good deal of care that went into the production. The acting and direction are solid, the make-up effects inventive, and the writing witty. The script’s funniest moment is when Warren’s roommate, in response to someone wondering how to get into politics, suggests, “Make bad movies. Third-rate actors have great success in politics.” Sadly, director Michael Krueger passed away a few years after the film was released. By no means a masterpiece, Mind Killer is harmless trash done well. B (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC’S REVENGE (1989) Fire-scarred Eric (Derek Rydall), the victim of sleazy land developers who a year earlier torched his house (and his face), haunts the air ducts of Midwood Mall, seeking justice against his oppressors. Eric’s arsenal of weapons includes fan blades that turn a security guard’s face into meat pie, a forklift that squashes another guard against an electrical box and causes the poor guy’s eyeballs to pop out, and a cobra(!) that’s filtered into the mall’s plumbing and conveniently slithers out of an occupied toilet, promptly chomping a man’s tallywacker. All of this comes blind to the mall’s bigwigs—including the Beauty Queen mayor, played effortlessly by Morgan Fairchild—none of whom seem the slightest bit worried when bodies start to pile up. They’re saving face over the mall’s dishonest origins, and the writers of this movie are saving face over the screenplay’s slow descent into the tried and true slasher formula. But for Phantom of the Mall, none of the half-baked ideas work. The film never sticks to its Gaston Leroux-inspired satirical elements, or the more serious splatter/body count flick it really wants to be. The movie has several humorous moments, including the spectacular demise of Fairchild, and the mall setting is a nice tongue-in-cheek element—but when Pauly Shore ends up being the funniest character in a movie, you might wanna reconsider. Co-writer Robert King became a prevalent television writer, known mostly for The Good Wife. C+ (Currently streaming on Shudder.)

ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE (1987) With better directing, acting, writing, and production accoutrements, Zombie Nightmare could have been a decent little film. Unfortunately it doesn’t have any of those and is mostly the pits. Young Tony Washington is witness to his father’s death at the hands of a pair of racist greasers. Years later, the now musclebound Tony (Thor frontman Jon Mikl Thor) becomes the victim of a hit-and-run, courtesy of a douchebag (future Hollywood director/producer Shawn Levy) and his cretinous friends. Tony’s mother seeks help from a voodoo witch doctor, who turns Tony into a ghoul-faced zombie hellbent on some much-deserved family justice. The rest of the movie revolves around the unimaginative—and bloodless—kills at the hands of the zombified Tony, all accompanied by the heavy metal rock soundtrack of Motörhead, Girlschool, and (naturally) Thor. Batman himself, Adam West, gets top billing, but his participation is limited. Wise choice, Adam. D (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

Boardinghouse – 1982, US, 97m. Director: John Wintergate.

The Body Shop – 1972, US, 82m. Director: J.G. Patterson Jr.

Don’t Look in the Basement – 1973, US, 90m. Director: S.F. Brownrigg.

The Severed Arm – 1973, US, 91m. Director: Tom Alderman.

BOARDINGHOUSE (1982) Several bizarre deaths inside the infamous Hoffman homestead triggers a series of cold cases. Ten years later, a gold chain-wearing flake (Hawk Adly, a.k.a. director John Wintergate) buys the dwelling and turns it into a boarding house for Playboy model types. When Adly isn’t sleeping with his roommates he’s busy practicing transcendental meditation (and telekinesis!) in a pair of leopard print bikini briefs. But soon, unexplained accidents begin happening around the house. An ice pick levitates on its own and skewers one of the housemates in the hand. Another hallucinates blood dripping down the walls before she’s turned into some sort of cat creature. The boyfriend of one of the boarders is electrocuted in the bathtub and his body dragged off by a gloved individual who’s never seen again. There’s also a disabled Vietnam vet peeping through the windows, supplying the movie with even more gratuitous T&A shots and reminding the viewer of what the real objective of Boardinghouse is. Unfortunately, not even the frequent nudity will help those who choose to suffer through this interminable mess which, as of this writing, has inexplicably gained a cult following. Go figure. F (Currently not streaming.)

THE BODY SHOP (1972) (AKA: Doctor Gore) The sudden death of his wife turns Dr. Brandon, surgeon extraordinaire, into a modern day Dr. Frankenstein. The prominent doc (J.G. Patterson Jr.) murders young women and chops the bodies into pieces for spare parts so he can build the perfect mate. All of this bloodshed is aided by Brandon’s hunchback assistant (Roy Mehaffrey), who in the movie’s funniest scene is unable to put a lab coat on over his hump. “You have your own problems, don’t you?” answers the doctor. Another highlight features a victim waking up in the middle of having her hand amputated—she’s subsequently stabbed to death on the operating table. This is clearly a comedy. Not included in the severed limb jamboree is the obligatory search for a brain, but judging from Dr. Brandon’s tastes in pin-up bimbos he’s not interested in their minds. Considering the amount of kitsch found in The Body Shop, it’s not hard to believe Patterson Jr. stemmed from the world of Herschell Gordon Lewis, the cinematic inspiration behind this ceaselessly bizarre gore job filmed in North Carolina. C (Not currently streaming.)

DON’T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT (1973) (AKA: The Forgotten) Following a series of murders committed by two patients, Nurse Rosie Holotik is hired at a remote psychiatric institute. The deaths are brushed off by new head doctor Annabelle Weenick, who warns Holotik about the dangers of working in such a place. Holotik is undisturbed by these warnings and goes about her job like a professional. That is until a patient has her tongue cut out and the phone lines are sabotaged. A telephone repair man is sent to the clinic but ends up getting sexually assaulted by a strung-out nympho; he’s later found killed. The film then rips off the much better Asylum by revealing that Weenick is not actually a doctor but a patient, which “explains” her many nefarious deeds throughout the course of this extremely dull and predictable movie, which was shot on a shoestring outside of Waco, Texas. C– (Currently streaming on Prime.)

THE SEVERED ARM (1973) A spelunking accident spells disaster for six friends trapped in a cave. When starvation sets in, they make the decision to resort to cannibalism and forcibly cut off a friend’s arm for food. The armless victim (Ray Dannis) gets revenge after the party is rescued by hacking off the arm of one of the six (John Crawford). Two of the friends, one of whom is a cop, do their own investigation and, in a tasteless scene, manipulate Dannis’s daughter (Deborah Walley) into feeling sorry for Crawford’s poor health—despite the fact she went through the same turmoil with her father years earlier. But they don’t care because the majority of the characters in The Severed Arm are soulless jerks with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. So why should viewers care about anything that happens in this lifeless exercise in mundane storytelling? They shouldn’t. Talky and trite. D (Currently streaming on Tubi.)