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House by the Cemetery, The Suckling, Zombie High

The House by the Cemetery – 1981, Italy, 86m. Director: Lucio Fulci.

The Suckling – 1990, US, 89m. Director: Francis Teri.

Zombie High – 1987, US, 93m. Director: Ron Link.

THE HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY (1981) Italian shockmeister Lucio Fulci enters “old dark house” territory with this splattery Amityville Horror/The Shining conglomeration. An architectural researcher (Paolo Malco) moves his family into a dusty Colonial mansion to continue his deceased colleague’s work, unaware that the place’s original owner (a 19th century vivisectionist named Freudstein) resides in the basement, a Frankenstein-like zombie. Anyone who comes into contact with the building is filleted by Freudstein and their body parts used to replace his rotting limbs. The nervous nanny (Ania Pieroni) gets her head chopped off after snooping around the cellar; a realtor gets stabbed repeatedly after dropping off keys, her neck erupting blood like an out of control firehose. The dire events were foreseen by Malco’s psychic son (Giovanni Frezza), who was warned by a little ghost girl to stay away from the house. Naturally, Malco doesn’t believe the kid and ends up on Freudstein’s slab, along with the majority of the cast, who are left in pieces by the end. The plot doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but Fulci infuses the film with enough style and atmosphere to make House by the Cemetery a worthy entry in the European gore canon. B (Currently streaming on Shudder, AMC+, and Plex.)

THE SUCKLING (1990) A teenager (Lisa Patruno) gets an abortion at a backwoods clinic/whorehouse, where the discarded fetus comes back as a mutated monster. The creature traps Patruno and an abundance of seedy individuals inside the house and uses the place’s plumbing to sneak up on its prey. It lassos a victim with its umbilical cord and cuts off her head before moving into the bedroom of a prostitute and slashing her to death with its razor-like claws. The special effects that make the Suckling come to life are impressive given the movie’s chintzy vibe, which is unfortunately exacerbated by poor acting and a meandering screenplay. The low budget sadly keeps the monster hidden in the shadows while the third-rate characters scream at each other for most of the runtime. If anything, The Suckling is an example of a good concept stuck in a bad film. D (Currently streaming on Plex.)

ZOMBIE HIGH (1987) Andrea (Virginia Madsen) wins a scholarship to waspy Ettinger Academy, a once all-male private school gone coed. A mix of New Wave punks and preppy jocks begins to disappear as the students with the loudest personalities turn into uptight, Wall Street Journal-reading snobs. Andrea eventually discovers Ettinger was founded by a cult of men led by the handsome Dr. Philo (Richard Cox), a 102-year-old, 19th century colonel who’s been using the student body for some sort of medical procedure that grants him and his staff longer life—but drains victims of their own ideas and free will. Zombie High is a satire of 1980s Reaganism and for half of its running time is quite funny, but anyone who’s read Ira Levin understands the film is riffing on The Stepford Wives—The Stepford Bros?—and runs out of ideas early on. There is a witty subplot involving the implanting of crystals in the brains of the locals in order to control their motivations, most likely a stab at the rising popularity of New Ageism. Recommended only for satirical eighties hor-com and Madsen fans. C+ (Currently streaming on Roku, Plex, Night Flight, and Screambox.)

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Flesh Feast, The Guardian, The Possessed

Flesh Feast – 1970, US, 70m. DIrector: Brad F. Grinter.

The Guardian – 1990, US, 92m. Director: William Friedkin.

The Possessed – 1977, US, 74m. Director: Jerry Thorpe.

FLESH FEAST (1970) This shot-in-Miami shoestring sounds like a movie by Herschel Gordon Lewis, but Flesh Feast is actually produced by and features former Hollywood starlet Veronica Lake. Lake plays Elaine Fredericks, a plastic surgeon seeking revenge for the murder of her mother in a WWII concentration camp. Fredericks infiltrates an underground Nazi ring under the guise of creating maggots that can rejuvenate dead skin—which the Nazis want to use on Hitler, who’s apparently alive! In reality, the loony Doc has been training the maggots to feast on human flesh, ultimately dowsing Der Führer in the creepy crawlies and laughing maniacally while she watches his demise. Nothing about this moribund production is the least bit interesting. Even what little we see of the gore effects are howlingly awful and make the makeup work in an H.G. Lewis flick seem classy by comparison. Sadly, this excruciating endeavor was Lake’s final film before her death in 1973. F (Not currently streaming.)

THE GUARDIAN (1990) Too-good-to-be-true Camilla (Jenny Seagrove) is the perfect nanny. She’s attentive, prompt, wonderfully patient with her young charges, and not hard on the eyes. She also happens to be part of an ancient supernatural pagan cult that sacrifices children to some sort of tree-god. The All-Powerful Tree to which Camilla feeds babies happens to be adjacent to the home of the Sterling family who, having just welcomed their newest addition (a baby boy), have hired Camilla to be their nanny. (It isn’t much of a coincidence when the Sterling’s first choice for nanny is waylaid in a bicycling accident.) The Sterling house becomes a hotbed of sexual tension between Dad (Dwier Brown), who spends a good deal of the time shirtless, and the uninhibited Camilla, who likes to parade in front of Brown in nothing but her birthday suit. This was William Friedkin’s first true horror production since The Exorcist, and the results are mixed. The script offers several incredulous moments that would look more at home in a Sam Raimi Evil Dead movie, such as when the Tree dismembers and eats a rapist. Always the thoughtful writer, Friedkin infuses most of The Guardian with an undercurrent of psychological suspense, even when the story veers off course and into the absurd. Despite all this, The Guardian is never dull and offers the viewer an entertaining, albeit ridiculous, yarn. B– (Not currently streaming.)

THE POSSESSED (1977) Something sinister is happening at the Helen Page School for Girls, conveniently—or not conveniently, depending on which way you look at it—located in the witch-burning capital of America: Salem, Massachusetts. When a series of fires break out at the Catholic school, a concerned teacher (Claudette Nevins), whose daughter (Ann Dusenberry) was nearly burnt to death as a result of one of the arson incidents, brings in a disgraced priest-turned-supernatural investigator (James Farentino) for help. After some sleuthing, Farentino discovers the mysterious flames are being emitted from moody headmistress Joan Hackett, who over the course of the film has become the embodiment of Evil, with a particular penchant for fireworks. The screenplay is fairly light on material, but the pace moves at a good clip and the characters are mostly sympathetic. This gets extra points for some impressive pyrotechnic special effects, especially during the fiery climax. A better than average made-for-TV chiller worth seeking out. Harrison Ford has a bit role as a horny teacher. B (Currently not available.)

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I, Madman, The Last Broadcast, Phantom of the Opera

I, Madman – 1989, US, 89m. Director: Tibor Takács.

The Last Broadcast – 1998, US, 86m. Director: Stefan Avalos, Lance Weiler.

The Phantom of the Opera – 1989, Hungary/UK/US, 93m. Director: Dwight H. Little.

I, MADMAN (1989) Bookstore clerk Virginia (Jenny Wright) begins having nightmarish visions of murder committed by a maniacal cut-up named Malcolm Brand (Randall William Cook), whose apparition emanates from an obscure paperback entitled “I, Madman.” These grotesque sights manifest into reality when a pretty redhead from Virginia’s acting class turns up maimed. Virginia’s cop boyfriend (Clayton Rohner) has a hard time believing her story, despite the fact more people are slaughtered in the same way as written in the book—including a homage to Rear Window in which a piano-playing neighbor gets his ear sliced off while Virginia helplessly watches. Brand’s ghoulish activities are the result of a Frankensteinesque experiment he’s performing on himself in order to find true love. In an overblown ending that makes little sense, a gremlin-like creature appears that resembles the demons from director Tiber Takács’s The Gate. That shouldn’t stop viewers from enjoying an otherwise good film filled with clever writing, interesting characters, and terrific makeup effects supplied by I, Madman‘s own villain, Cook. B+ (Currently streaming on MGM+.)

THE LAST BROADCAST (1998) A fly-by-night public access TV show’s hunt for the Jersey Devil results in the murders of three people—murders seemingly committed by a maladjusted psychic (Jim Seward). Through behind-the-scenes footage, courtroom transcripts, and interviews, the crimes are examined by a documentarian who questions whether Seward truly committed the murders, or if there was an unknown party stalking the victims. The Last Broadcast is often erroneously linked with The Blair Witch Project—an unfair comparison since Blair Witch was conceived years earlier, despite not getting a wider release until a year after this film was available. While the “found footage” aspect is the true connection between the two movies, The Last Broadcast is molded more in the mockumentary style that would shape many future low-fi horror vehicles. In that sense, the film succeeds—evocative images, sounds, and a brooding atmosphere help to give it an undeniably creepy vibe. Imperfect but effective, nonetheless. B (Currently streaming on Prime, Freevee, and Night Flight.)

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (1989) Gaston Leroux might be credited as the inspiration behind this updating of his 1909 novel, but this Phantom of the Opera is nothing more than a splattery period piece made for the Freddy Krueger generation. Krueger himself (Robert Englund) stars as the title character, a fiendish serial killer named Erik Destler who lives in the catacombs under the London opera house, hiding his hideously mangled face—the result of a deal with the Devil gone awry—and writing music for his muse, and opera understudy, Christine Day (Jill Schoelen). Anyone who poses a threat to Day is immediately reduced to mincemeat at the hands of Destler, the first being a prima donna whose voice is rendered mute after the discovery of a skinned stagehand—her head is later found in the punchbowl at a costume ball. The majority of the plot involves Day’s rise (and fall) as an opera star, and Destler slowly removing his false nose and other facial extremities in front of a mirror—he uses the flesh from his victims. The makeup effects are gruesome and convincing, done with a good amount of detail by Kevin Yagher and his team. Englund is undeniably charismatic and brings a level of creepiness to the role, even if his performance is often hackneyed and Kruegeresque. The story rarely makes sense (a large chunk of the movie seems to deal with reincarnation), but the cast is good, the production polished, and the gore piled on. B– (Not currently streaming.)

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Die, Sister, Die!, Evil Spawn, Pin

Die Sister, Die! – 1978, US, 81m. Director: Randall Hood.

Evil Spawn – 1987, US, 70m. Director: Kenneth J. Hall.

Pin – 1988, Canada/US, 103m. Director: Sandor Stern.

DIE SISTER, DIE! (1978) Tired of living under the thumb of his begrudging sister Amanda (Edith Atwater), Edward Price (Jack Ging) arranges to have her bumped off. Edward expects to inherent the family manor once big sis is out of the picture and hires an ex-nurse (Antoinette Bower) with a history of deceased husbands to aid Amanda in suicide. When Amanda isn’t having nightmares about a murder that may or may not have happened in the house, she’s slowly figuring out big bro’s scheme. Die Sister, Die! strives for surprises and delivers a few, especially in a Hitchcockian scene where Edward uses a confessional box to listen to Amanda’s secrets. There are a couple of interesting plot twists, but as a whole the movie fails to muster an emotional response. Too many cold characters gum up the works—although the gears weren’t well-oiled to begin with. Director Randall Hood died before the movie was released. C+ (Currently streaming on Plex.)

EVIL SPAWN (1987) An aging starlet (Bobbie Bresee) desperate for a comeback takes an experimental youth serum made from space microbes. The process reinvigorates her beauty but slowly transforms her into an enraged bug monster. Like the Hulk, Bresee’s inner demon comes out whenever she feels threatened or angry—which, according to the pitiful script, is all the time. After being rejected for a role, Bresee tears her PA’s throat open and tosses their naked body into a swimming pool. She turns her agent’s face into a pile of oozing lumps with her insect-like stingers, and later impales her cheating boyfriend before being shot down by the cops. But the most insulting part of this incessantly amateur movie is the Sunset Boulevard-like narration supplied by a needless third-rate character. John Carradine’s two-minute scene was apparently filmed by Fred Olen Ray as stock footage for future projects. Evil Spawn‘s credited director, Kenneth J. Hall, is best known for the spoof Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, a comparatively better viewing experience. D– (Not available.)

PIN (1988) Leon and Ursula are emotionally damaged siblings who live with their germaphobic mother and anal retentive father (Terry O’Quinn), a medical doctor who uses a life-size anatomy doll named Pin as a teaching tool for his children. Leon’s attachment to Pin becomes unhealthy, especially after he witnesses his father’s nurse having sex with the doll. The sudden deaths of his parents breaks Leon (David Hewlett) completely. After he and Ursula inherit the family manor, he dresses Pin in his father’s clothes and uses the doll to act out his growing psychopathic tendencies. Leon eventually turns into Norman Bates and the bodies start dropping. But unlike Psycho, this movie is never convincing in its portrayal of mental illness. Leon fails to feel like a real character worth caring for (made worse by an overblown performance by Hewlett), and the screenplay spends too much time on insipid melodrama more appropriate for an after school special. O’Quinn is wasted. C– (Not currently streaming.)

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Blood Tracks, House on the Edge of the Park, Tales from the Crypt

Blood Tracks – 1985, Sweden/UK, 82m. Director: Mats Helge Olsson, Derek Ford.

House on the Edge of the Park – 1980, Italy, 91m. Director: Ruggero Deodato.

Tales from the Crypt – 1972, UK, 93m. Director: Freddie Francis.

BLOOD TRACKS (1985) Hair band Solid Gold get more than they bargained for after an avalanche strands them in the middle of nowhere while on location for a music video shoot. Things go from bad to worse when the band members and their crew fall prey to a feral family of savage killers who see the outsiders as a threat to their existence. Most of the wild family look like rejects from The Hills Have Eyes, with pustules and pockmarks the common choice for facial deformities. The musicians are portrayed by real-life Swedish rockers Easy Action, but they and their entourage are a pack of personality-free dolts who never come off as anything other than cannon fodder for a mediocre body count movie. Even the splatter isn’t anything to get excited over—a bisection by steel cable is the only original and gruesome moment in the film, but it’s so roughly edited it’s difficult to tell what’s happening. The dumb screenplay takes itself too seriously and the lack of any sort of humor (intentional or otherwise) makes Blood Tracks a missed opportunity. C– (Currently not available.)

HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK (1980) A sleazoid named Alex (David Hess) and his dimwitted friend (Giovanni Lombardo Radice) crash a party occupied by upper-class snobs who indulge in making fools out of the two working class dolts. This doesn’t sit well with Alex, who turns the tables on the yuppies by indulging in rape and murder. Alex beats one of the partygoers and pees on the guy for no reason. He rapes one of the women (Annie Bell), who then tries to play mind games with the brute only to get her virginal friend sexually humiliated and slashed with a razor. After Alex terrorizes and fondles most of the female cast he’s executed point blank by Bell—with a hand gun that was conveniently out of frame for 75 minutes. Hess played the lead psychopath in Wes Craven’s Last House on the Left (1972), which this Italian production resembles in many ways, although in terms of quality the two films have very little in common. Hess is charismatic, but as with the majority of the characters in House on the Edge of the Park, his role is underwritten. None of the victims have much personality and the actors portraying them are stiff—made worse by weak dubbing. If you’re going to visit a house I recommend sticking to the one on the left. C– (Currently streaming on Plex.)

TALES FROM THE CRYPT (1972) One of the best (if not the best) anthology titles released in the ’70s by prolific British production company Amicus. Five strangers gather inside the catacombs of a graveyard where their fates are put into motion by the mysterious Crypt Keeper (Ralph Richardson), who spills their secrets of debauchery, greed, and murder. The movie’s first and most famous segment features a murderess (Joan Collins) pursued by a homicidal Santa Claus. A philanderer returns from the beyond a hideous ghoul after dying in the car crash that blinded his mistress. A kindly toy maker (Peter Cushing) seeks revenge on those who caused his death through wrongful accusations. A variation on “The Monkey’s Paw” takes a twisted turn for a married couple who wish for great fortune. The brutish director (Nigel Patrick) of a home for the blind is given his comeuppance by the place’s spiteful residents in the excellent concluding chapter. Highly influential, and followed by Vault of Horror (1973). B+ (Currently streaming on Roku and Plex.)

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Cathy’s Curse, C.H.U.D., You’ll Like My Mother

Cathy’s Curse – 1977, Canada, 82m. Director: Eddy Matalon.

C.H.U.D. – 1984, US, 88m. Director: Douglas Cheek.

You’ll Like My Mother – 1972, US, 92m. Director: Lamont Johnson.

CATHY’S CURSE (1977) Little Cathy (Randi Allen) becomes the embodiment of pure evil after moving into the old family homestead, which has been haunted by the vengeful spirit of Cathy’s aunt since her death in 1947. Auntie immediately takes control of Cathy and turns her into a tiny terror. The tyke spends her days tormenting the neighborhood kids by having them reenact the car crash her aunt died in, while Cathy’s mentally unbalanced mom (Beverly Murray) acts as if she’s Mink Stole from John Waters’ Desperate Living. Food spoils for no reason, a toy doll moves on its own, and the housekeeper is tossed out the window after kissing Cathy on the forehead. A psychic (Mary Morter) warns the family of danger, but her powers later fail her when Cathy sets a trap and turns Morter into an old crone. Cathy is nearly drowned in a lake and—like Damien in The Omen—turns into a caterwauling maniac hellbent on escaping the house’s influences. Her dolt of a father (Alan Scarfe) ignores her and Cathy’s face turns into what looks like bad pizza, which is meant to represent the hideous disfigurement of her aunt. I think. It’s the film’s ostentatiousness that gives Cathy’s Curse atmosphere, even within the so-bad-it’s-funny realm of obliviously awful filmmaking. A real howler that’s recently attained camp classic status, and for good reason. B– (Currently streaming on Plex and Night Flight.)

C.H.U.D. (1984) People are disappearing on the streets of a New York City neighborhood, the majority of victims being vagrants. The operator of a homeless shelter notices a high volume of his flock missing and contacts the police, but they don’t take him seriously. A photographer (John Heard) comes across one of his homeless subjects with a chunk taken out of his thigh. When the local precinct captain’s (Christopher Curry) wife goes missing he demands a sweep of the city’s sewers and comes across a pack of humanoid creatures—Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, to be precise—created by years of toxic waste dumping. The dumbbell mayor tries to solve the problem by flushing the sewers with gas, which sends a horde of mutants above ground to lay waste to a nearby diner. C.H.U.D. doesn’t have much in the way of interesting characters or plot, but the Manhattan backdrop gives the movie an authentically grimy and claustrophobic feel. Oscar winner John Caglione’s make-up FX are also a highlight, the best being showcased in a scene where Heard’s girlfriend fights off a mutant with a sword. Similar in tone to the terrific British film Death Line (1972), but not as good. C+ (Currently streaming on PlutoTV, Roku, and Prime.)

YOU’LL LIKE MY MOTHER (1972) The death of her husband, Matthew, sends pregnant Francesca (Patty Duke) to her mother-in-law’s mansion in the remote Minnesota countryside. The mother in question (Rosemary Murphy) is a bitter battle-axe who wants nothing to do with Francesca or the unborn baby. While staying in the family house (due to a snow storm), Francesca discovers Matthew had siblings he never mentioned—including a brother suspected in a recent sex murder and who might be lurking on the estate. Duke is likable, but given the amount of complexity in the story it’s surprising how little tension is generated from the screenplay. Lamont Johnson’s direction is too dry to be very involving, creating a distance between the characters and the viewer. One can’t help wonder how the film might have benefited from a more polished genre filmmaker, i.e. De Palma, or Polanski. C (Not currently streaming.)

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Berserker, Nail Gun Massacre, Revenge

Berserker – 1987, US, 86m. Director: Jefferson Richard.

Nail Gun Massacre – 1985, US, 85m. Director: Bill Leslie, Terry Lofton.

Revenge – 1986, US, 100m. Director: Christopher Lewis.

BERSERKER (1987) Campers venturing into Utah wilderness are murdered by the vengeful spirit of a tenth century Viking warrior in this by-the-numbers slasher. An obnoxious group of teenagers (all of whom look old enough to have teens of their own) renting a cabin in infamous Rainbow Valley are hunted and dispatched by the bloodthirsty specter, which dresses in bear skins and uses animal claws to fillet its victims for a food source. We know this because one of the dimwitted characters bores his friends (and the viewer) by reading from a book on historical Nordic cannibalism. This is followed by an equally dull scene where two old timers endlessly talk over a game of chess. In short, if you’re looking for a movie with energy, Berserker is not for you. The characters are dullards you’ll want to see splattered across the screen. Unfortunately the movie never delivers on that front, instead settling on someone off camera squirting fake blood at the actors’ faces. A bonafide turkey. D (Currently unavailable.)

NAIL GUN MASSACRE (1985) A woman is gang-raped by a group of scumbag construction workers in the opening scene. Moments later, one of the scumbags is killed by someone in a blacked out helmet, wielding a pneumatic nail gun. And that’s pretty much the plot of Nail Gun Massacre, a sleazy but fairly enjoyable low budget splatter flick shot in Texas. The next offender in the group is ambushed while peeing in the woods—he’s nail-gunned in the balls while his friend has his hand chainsawed off before receiving a round of nails to the neck. A traveling handyman and his girlfriend are slaughtered while having sex against a tree in a completely pointless but titillating moment. A construction foreman is surprised after the killer jumps out of his swimming pool and guns him down commando-style, his body falling onto a burning gas grill in the movie’s funniest scene. Much of Nail Gun Massacre is done tongue-in-cheek, lending a little more credence to the film’s excessive body count and T&A (there’s a fair amount of male nudity to balance out the equation). For those who found The Toolbox Murders to be up their alley. B– (Currently not streaming.)

REVENGE (1986) More people are butchered by the dog-worshipping cult members of Caninus in this sequel to Blood Cult (1985). The first to go is a prying reporter doing a story on the murders from the first movie—she’s sliced up the middle with a steel blade. The next to get bumped off is a farmer who’s hatcheted in the head, followed by a bird watcher whose leg is chopped off after stepping in a bear trap. The squared-jawed sibling (John Wayne’s son, Patrick) of one of the victims from Part 1 investigates his brother’s death, leading to more killings—a hot tub decapitation is the film’s bloodiest set piece—and a conspiracy involving a big shot senator (John Carradine). Who is getting revenge for what is never made clear, although one can expect a certain amount of inconsistency in low-budget splatter movie-making. But what’s more troubling is the fact Revenge is sparse with the red stuff, the main ingredient that made Blood Cult such a video rental success back in the day. Much like the bulk of director-writer Christopher Lewis’s features, Revenge has its share of characterization and story structure, making it all the more disappointing with an ending so ludicrously overblown one wonders if it was all just a joke on the filmmaker’s part. Carradine reads from cue cards and Wayne Jr. mugs for the camera. C (Currently not streaming.)

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The Mutilator, Scream (1981), Terror Train

The Mutilator – 1984, US, 86m. Director: Buddy Cooper.

Scream – 1981, US, 82m. Director: Byron Quisenberry.

Terror Train – 1980, Canada, 97m. Director: Roger Spottiswoode.

THE MUTILATOR (1984) (AKA: Fall Break) An appropriately titled bloodbath filmed in North Carolina and subjected to numerous rounds with the MPAA over its graphic violence—a scene where a young woman is hooked in the groin is particularly gruesome. The woman was the victim of a wacko who lost his marbles years ago when his son accidentally shot the mom with a rifle. Now in college, the son (Matt Mitler) and his friends become the obsession of his demented dad (Jack Chatham), who sleeps in the cellar of his house with an oversized ax and dreams of cutting his son’s throat. Chatham soon makes his dream a reality when Mitler and gang arrive at the house for a weekend of partying but end up on the sharp end of Chatham’s plethora of weapons. The characters are mostly duds, and watching them die in horrible ways is the only benefit the viewer can take away from this Halloween/Friday the 13th/The Prowler clone. One of Mitler’s buddies gets shredded with an outboard motor after skinny dipping with his girlfriend. A nosy security guard is beheaded with Chatham’s infamous ax. The killer strings up his prey on meat hooks, building to the obligatory scene where a character stumbles upon his dead friends before getting impaled with a pitchfork. Chatham gets his in the end when he’s mowed down by Mitler’s Cadillac convertible and cut in half. Good makeup effects by Mark Shostrom and Anthony Showe, but not much else. C (Currently streaming on Night Flight Plus and Arrow Player.)

SCREAM (1981) Campers on a rafting expedition are stalked by a killer after stopping for the night in a ghost town. The characters start pointing fingers at each other with the discovery of the first victim—hung from a noose—but that doesn’t stop more bodies from dropping, which unfortunately for the viewer are in sleep-inducing ways. None of the campers have personalities, so even after being bumped off, their absence is barely noticed. The filmmakers were obviously striving for a Friday the 13th-style slasher, but the lack of energy and suspense is clear from the beginning, as are the gory makeup effects typically found in this type of film. While one can appreciate the mystery angle the writers were striving for, the mystery ultimately proves fruitless if there’s no core to its aimless plot, which descends into supernatural territory during the absurd third act. Pepper Martin, the loudmouth truck stop bully from Superman II, here plays a loudmouth bully. How’s that for casting? D+ (Currently unavailable.)

TERROR TRAIN (1980) Freshman pledge Kenny (Derek McKinnon) is used as bait for a fraternity prank and left psychologically scarred by the incident—which involves a stolen corpse. Three years later, the frat brothers and sorority sisters responsible for Kenny’s torment throw a New Year’s Eve costume party on a moving passenger train, unaware a masked killer is in their midst. After a character is dispatched, the maniac steals the victim’s costume, making it seem as if the dead person is still very much alive, and tricking others into feeling their bloody wrath. Surprises are not something Terror Train has a lot of, especially when it’s revealed Kenny is the murderer seeking revenge for the aforementioned prank that left him in a psychiatric ward. What this film does have is excellent production values and acting, including Jamie Lee Curtis in one of her better post-Halloween, pre-Hollywood roles. C+ (Currently streaming on Roku and Plex.)

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Eyes of a Stranger, Psycho Cop, Schizoid

Eyes of a Stranger – 1981, US, 84m. Director: Ken Wiederhorn.

Psycho Cop – 1989, US, 87m. Director: Wallace Potts.

Schizoid – 1980, Israel/US, 89m. Director: David Paulson.

EYES OF A STRANGER (1981) A serial rapist and killer is on the loose in Miami. The discovery of a half-naked victim in a mangrove puts the female population on edge, as do the obscene phone calls the murderer places in order to torment his prey. Local reporter Jane Harris (Lauren Tewes) becomes embroiled in the case, especially when she begins to suspect her demented neighbor, Stanley Herbert (John DiSanti), might be the culprit. And she’s right—after dumping a victim on the beach, Stanley slashes the throats of two witnesses. Jane’s sleuthing gets the best of her when Stanley finds out her identity and goes after her blind and deaf sister (Jennifer Jason Leigh). Eyes of a Stranger wants to be an elegant Brain De Palma-esque thriller but at its core it’s a seedy low-budget slasher—and it works quite well. The filmmakers opted more for suspense than outright gore (there is a gruesome decapitation courtesy of Tom Savini), especially during the intense climax. A serviceable little shocker with good acting and slick direction from Ken Wiederhorn (Shock Waves). B (Currently not available.)

PSYCHO COP (1989) One-dimensional people are stalked by a one-dimensional killer in this one-dimensional movie. An annoying couple lost on a back road are dispatched by a maniac (Bobby Ray Shafer) in a policeman’s uniform. When he’s not telling his victims bad jokes pre-kill, the psycho cop is tracing pentagrams in the dirt. Even more annoying characters are introduced in the form of partying douchebags that Shafer follows to a remote house. The woods gives the killer the perfect opportunity to hide and watch his prey drink beer, whine, and act like general nincompoops. There’s a caretaker—looking like he just stepped out of a gay porno—who claims the county stationed him at the house for security reasons, but he’s whacked in the head with an ax before we’re given anymore exposition. Psycho Cop is filled with long stretches of boredom as we’re forced to watch characters endlessly complain, about anything. When someone is finally bumped off, their death is unimaginative and bloodless. Why is the psycho cop doing all of this? Because he’s a Devil-worshipping serial killer who’s escaped from a mental hospital, or something. Who cares—the movie stinks. F (Currently streaming on Plex.)

SCHIZOID (1980) Advice columnist Julie (Mariana Hill) receives an anonymous letter threatening murder. Her editor brushes the letter off as a work of fiction; moments later Julie’s friend is stabbed to death by a scissors-wielding maniac. Julie shows the letter to her psychiatrist, Dr. Fales (Klaus Kinski), who also dismisses the situation before grabbing her for a quick embrace. Fales’ creepy leering at his teen daughter (Donna Wilkes) undressing in an earlier scene suggests he’s not the healthiest doctor in town. The killing of another woman (and patient of Fales) ignites a police investigation, who still don’t think the letters are a connection to the murders. Meanwhile, Julie’s disgruntled ex-husband (Craig Wasson) complains about their divorce, Wilkes blames her father for her mother’s suicide, and Fales acts suspicious in general. This schlocky homage to Italian giallos was Cannon Films’ first venture into slasher territory—they would tap out a year later with X-Ray—and for the most part it’s quite entertaining. Kinski adds a layer of professionalism to the film with one of his more restrained performances. The rest of the cast is also good, including Wilkes, Wasson, Christopher Lloyd, and (briefly) Karl Malden. The only thespian who seems uncomfortable is Hill (Fredo’s wife in The Godfather Part II) who more often than not comes off as too meek to muster much sympathy. B– (Currently not streaming.)

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Absurd, Blood Cult, Offerings

Absurd – 1981, Italy, 90m. Director: Joe D’Amato.

Blood Cult – 1985, US, 89m. Director: Christopher Lewis.

Offerings – 1989, US, 92m. Director: Christopher Reynolds.

ABSURD (1981) (AKA: Horrible; Monster Hunter) A babysitter and two kids are terrorized by a sadistic madman in this Italian rip-off of Halloween, made by the same people who brought you the family-friendly gore epic Anthropophagus. After awaking in the hospital, post-op, the madman (George Eastman) shoves an electric drill through a nurse’s skull and escapes into the night where he’s pursued by a mysterious priest (Edmund Purdom) who claims Eastman cannot be killed in the traditional sense—and giving the screenplay a convenient way for Eastman to withstand multiple bullet wounds and even a disemboweling! There are no surprises or any suspense found in the course of the 90-minute film. In fact, the lack of any kind of originality gives the movie a bad vibe that’s difficult to shake. The film does offer a truly funny moment in which a group of friends at a football party are dressed in suit-and-tie and eating bowls of linguine. Clearly the filmmakers immersed themselves in American culture before writing this turkey. D (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

BLOOD CULT (1985) You have to give the makers of this direct-to-video splatterfest credit for opening their movie with not only a tribute to Halloween (POV shot of a killer sneaking into a house at night) but also Psycho (a sorority babe is hacked to pieces in the shower). After the opening mayhem, the maniac heads to another sorority house where, meat-cleaver in hand, he decapitates a student and uses the severed head to beat a co-ed unconscious. The police are clueless, but the sheriff’s librarian daughter—an expert in the occult—believes the crimes have ritualistic overtones. More college kids get carved up—a woman has her leg chopped off while (of all things) taking out the trash—until one of the not-so-bright characters realizes parts of each of the victims is being taken by the killer. If you’ve seen H.G. Lewis’s Blood Feast you’ll have an understanding of where the plot of Blood Cult is going. That’s not to disparage the film entirely—Blood Cult is better made than it deserves to be. The writers pumped more character development and story structure into the paper-thin plot than you’d expect from such a bargain-basement slasher flick. But, it’s still a bargain-basement slasher flick—where else are you going to see a movie featuring a hero who resembles Roger Ebert? C+ (Currently not available.)

OFFERINGS (1989) Tired of being victimized by the world, young Johnny takes revenge by murdering his abusive mother and cannibalizing her. A decade later, the now grown but still very psychotic Johnny (Richard A. Buswell) escapes from the local sanitarium and returns to his childhood neighborhood to pick up where he left off by killing those who tormented him as a kid. A teenager’s skull is crushed in a vice and one of his fingers is left on the front porch of the girl (Loretta Leigh Bowman) who was nice to the madman as a child. Bowman receives more “gifts” from Johnny, including a severed ear—perhaps a homage to Blue Velvet?—and a pizza topped with human remains. The desecrated grave of Johnny’s mother is found with the headstone shattered in a scene that was obviously influenced by Halloween. In fact, so much of Offerings is ripped from the John Carpenter film that the viewer must constantly remind themselves the movie is not a parody—although one will most likely chuckle at the sight of a single teardrop emanating from the killer’s eye after being shot to pieces in the ludicrous ending; a particularly weird touch by the filmmakers. But like the majority of the movie, it’s not worth your time. C– (Available on YouTube.)