Category: Capsule Reviews

THE BURNING MOON (1992) It’s always disheartening when you sit down to watch a movie that has notoriety and, by the end, you find yourself more bored than shocked – a good example is A Serbian Film. This is also the case with The Burning Moon, an infamous, shot-on-video German splatter flick that’s just a 90-minute geek show of outrageous but very low-budget gore FX. A cretinous teenage drug addict tells his kid sister two violent bedtime stories: “Julia’s Love” depicts a young woman and her family being butchered by an escaped mental patient; “The Purity” has a psychopathic priest who believes rape and murder cleanses the soul and sets his victims free. The makeup ranges from mediocre to piss-poor, done by people who don’t seem to understand human anatomy. Despite the low-grade gore, whenever it’s not on screen the movie is super lame, with too many instances of dull characters performing mundane daily activities, like emptying a dishwasher. The film crescendos during a hallucination depicting hell, a nearly 10-minute sequence in which a lot of fake blood and body parts are thrown around, including a bit where a man is split in half when his legs are pulled apart. What filmmaker Olaf Ittenbach doesn’t understand is if the viewer doesn’t believe anything that’s unfolding in front of them, all the decapitated heads in the world won’t amount to a hill of beans. D–

DRACULA (1931) One of the most influential horror films of the early part of the 20th century, this crisp, elegant adaptation of Bram Stoker’s novel is still a great example of classic Hollywood horror. Bela Lugosi takes the story to new heights with his portrayal of Count Dracula that is both seductive and sad, giving the movie a layer of mastery that’s still untouched within the genre – Christopher Lee is probably the closest an actor has come to matching Lugosi’s intense charisma. Tod Browning’s exquisite direction and Karl Freund’s beautiful B&W photography creates an atmospheric work of originality that inspired countless gothic horror films in the years to come. The script (by Hamilton Deane and John L. Balderston, from their 1924 play) is simple and to the point – wisely switching out the rather dull Jonathan Harker subplot with Dwight Frye’s more interesting Renfield – and while some scenes seem a bit campy and outdated, the overall effect of the film works splendidly. A–

THE EXORCIST III (1990) William Peter Blatty adapted his own novel, Legion, for this third outing in the Exorcist series, and in doing so created an excellent film that more than makes up for the train wreck that is Exorcist II: The Heretic. When Det. Kinderman (George C. Scott) discovers similarities between a string of recent murders and the crimes of the Gemini Killer from 15 years earlier, he begins to wonder if the serial killer (Brad Dourif), executed the same night of Regan MacNeil’s exorcism, is truly dead. Things get complicated when an unidentified patient at a local sanitarium claiming to be the Gemini Killer looks to Kinderman exactly like Father Karras (Jason Miller). Blatty (who also wrote the screenplay) wisely balances the broody tone of the film with moments of dark humor, especially between Kinderman (played by Lee J. Cobb in the 1973 movie) and Father Dyer (Ed Flanders). Scott is first-rate, and Dourif equally impressive as Patient X, a role that seems to have been a warm-up to his chilling performance as psychopathic con man, Luther Lee Boggs, in The X-Files. Good dialogue mixed with classic scares make The Exorcist III a worthy sequel. B+

TRICK (2019) An uninspired slasher about a seemingly unstoppable killer nicknamed Trick who returns every Halloween to massacre teenagers, despite the fact the main suspect (Thom Niemann) in the first series of murders was shot down by cops. The local police think it’s the work of a copycat, but seasoned detective Denver (Omar Epps) believes the original killer is still alive and will continue to slaughter people until he’s finally put down for good. A lifeless, by-the-numbers script littered with too many plot conveniences and holes, this is further harmed by awful, over-lit digital photography, cheap makeup effects, and a lotta non-acting by its talented cast, most of whom probably signed on for the paycheck. Tom Atkins is wasted. D

DEF BY TEMPTATION (1990) Young minister-in-training, Joel (James Bond III), while visiting his childhood friend, K (Kadeem Hardison), in New York City gets caught up in sinful desire in the form of a demonic seductress known as Temptation (Cynthia Bond). When K realizes Temptation doesn’t cast a reflection, he and a friend (Bill Nun) seek help from a spiritualist in an effort to release Joel from her lustful grip. This feels like a Spike Lee take on the blaxploitation movies of the ’70s, with a solid, if not entirely successful, merging of cheesy horror theatrics and religious symbolism. Bond III (also the director) is somewhat miscast as Joel – the more animated Hardison might have been a better choice for the role – and the film gets a bit too arty at times (the color red is an obvious metaphor for evil). This is still interesting stuff, even if it builds to a predicable, Good vs. Evil ending. B–

DISTURBING BEHAVIOR (1998) After the death of his brother, Steve (James Marsden) and his family move to the quiet seaside town of Cradle Bay, where the high school is lorded over by a group of letterman jacket-wearing goodie two-shoes called the Blue Ribbons. Viewed by the burnouts and skaters as just an uncool club for the privileged, Steve, and new friends, Gavin (Nick Stahl) and Rachel (Katie Holmes), realize the Ribbons were former maladjusted misfits who’ve been implanted with microchips, reprogrammed by a Dr. Caldicott (Bruce Greenwood), and transformed into outstanding citizens. But, when the robo-teens get sexually aroused, their wires short circuit, turning them into uncontrollable psychopaths. A sort-of cross between The Stepford Wives and the terrific 1981 Australian chiller, Dead Kids, this was a victim of massive pre-release cutting and re-editing by distributor MGM, resulting in a lesser version of what was intended. This is still a good little flick with likable characters and a quick pace by director David Nutter. William Sadler steals the show in a scene-chewing performance as the school’s janitor who speaks in a thick Maine accent. B

ENDANGERED SPECIES (1982) When the mutilated bodies of cows start littering the farms of a small Colorado town, speculation of everything from aliens to a Satanic cult fuel the flames of panicked locals, especially when human bodies start to follow. Ignored by the town’s bigwigs, the sheriff (JoBeth Williams) joins forces with an out-of-town ex-cop (Robert Urich) to find out the truth, and soon discover a renegade branch of government performing germ warfare experiments in an abandoned missile silo just out of town. An interesting cross between a conspiracy thriller and sci-fi/horror film, Endangered Species is often difficult to follow and feels like it would have benefited from being an hour-long X-Files episode. Williams is good in a role that’s a nice change of pace from Poltergeist, while Urich (of TV’s S.W.A.T. and Vegas) doesn’t get a whole lot to do but act like a jerk. A moderately entertaining flick, but I just wish there had been more meat to the screenplay. C+

THE FLY II (1989) This bigger, but less complex, sequel to David Cronenberg’s masterpiece has the son of Seth Brundle, Martin (Eric Stoltz), being raised in an advanced government science lab by the man who funded Brundlefly’s teleportation experiments in the first film (Lee Richardson). When Martin’s dormant fly DNA catches up with his accelerated growth rate, he slowly turns into his father’s son, metamorphosing into a monster and seeking revenge on the scientists who’ve wronged him. This one was unfairly criticized for not measuring up to Cronenberg’s first, which is an unreasonable comparison on almost every level. Director Chris Walas – who also oversaw the first-rate make-up FX – does his best with the material, delivering a solid flick with interesting characters and some gory, icky moments that could give the Brundlefly a run for its money. If simply viewed as an old-fashioned monster movie, The Fly II works surprisingly well. B

ALIEN PREDATORS (1987) Bland American tourists traveling through the Spanish countryside are beset by parasitic alien beings that have taken over the minds of the locals and turned them into killers. It sounds like a rip-off of John McTiernan’s Predator, but this boring, low-tech creature feature was actually released first overseas as The Falling, a more appropriate name considering the title beasties don’t actually appear on-screen until the last five minutes. The three protagonists (Lynn-Holly Johnson, Dennis Christopher, and Martin Hewitt) are dull, there’s too many moments of misplaced humor, and the special FX leave a lot to be desired, although there are a couple of good (but brief) bits when the aliens burst out of their victims’ faces. According to Terror on Tape, this sat on the shelf for several years before being released in the States, direct-to-video, and it’s easy to see why. D+

THE BLACK BELLY OF THE TARANTULA (1971) A killer uses a paralyzing agent to subdue his victims before carving them up with a steel blade in this slick Italian slasher. The giallo template is in play, with a gloved killer (although this time it’s transparent latex gloves) and a mystery/whodunit plot revolving around the brutal slayings of women in Rome, all of whom might have connections to a blackmail ring. The movie is very well acted – even the English dubbing is good – and directed by Paolo Cavara, with shades of inspiration emanating from Argento’s Bird with the Crystal Plumage. Unlike many gialli of the time, the killer’s identity is actually unpredictable, creating a nicely-crafted thriller. Ennio Morricone did the musical score. B

THE FOG (1980) Carpenter’s follow-up to Halloween was this effective ghost tale that employed many of the director’s strengths, which would come to make him one of the strongest genre filmmakers of the 1980s. On the eve of small coastal town, Antonio Bay’s, centennial, the specters of murdered lepers come back for revenge against the descendants of those who conspired to kill them, including the town’s priest (Hal Holbrook). An excellent cast (Adrienne Barbeau, Jamie Lee Curtis, Tom Atkins, Janet Leigh), an eerie atmosphere enhanced by Carpenter’s terrific use of anamorphic widescreen framing, and a handful of good scares help make The Fog work extremely well, even when the plot doesn’t always make sense. Barbeau is a wonderful protagonist, but doesn’t get nearly enough to do. That’s a small price to pay for a classic movie. A–

THE RATS ARE COMING! THE WEREWOLVES ARE HERE! (1972) Probably the most famous title in Staten Island filmmaker, Andy (The Ghastly Ones) Milligan’s, colorful repertoire, this period piece was filmed in the lush English countryside, but it’s nothing more than a bargain basement Dark Shadows rip-off. The movie features the temperamental Mooneys, an aristocratic family trying to maneuver around the upcoming marriage of its youngest daughter to a medical student – without revealing the family’s cursed secret of werewolfitis. This is overflowing with problems, the biggest being a lack of any sort of plot, with the flimsy story structure resting entirely on the werewolf secret, even though no one actually turns into a wolf until the last 10 minutes. Shot in 1969, the rats of the title were added years later to try and cash-in on the success of Willard. Bad lighting, dreadful sound, murky photography, and hilariously awful make-up effects rank this as one of the worst werewolf flicks of all time. Unfairly categorized alongside Herschell Gordon Lewis, Milligan had more in common with Ed Wood and his pretenses for creating “serious” films, ultimately Milligan’s curse. D–

ANGEL HEART (1987) Interesting, but sedate, filming of William Hjortsberg’s book, Falling Angel, about 1950s gumshoe, Harry Angel (Mickey Rourke), who’s hired by the strange Louis Cyphre (Robert De Niro) to track down a former client who disappeared years earlier. Harry’s search brings him to New Orleans, where he discovers the voodoo-practicing daughter (Lisa Bonet) of the missing man, along with a string of brutal, Satanic-like murders. Director Alan Parker gives the film a gritty atmosphere filled with amazing detail and some truly impressive sequences, some of which are so visually arty and cryptic that it often slows down the plot. The real strength of the movie is Rourke, who gives an excellent performance and sucks the viewer into the story even when it’s not always working. B–

BODY SNATCHERS (1993) A loose but well-written adaptation of the Jack Finney book, this moves the action to Alabama, where the Malone family takes temporary residency while father, Steve (Terry Kinney), an Environmental Protection Agent, does research for a military base. The stressful move makes things tense between pouty teenager, Marti (Gabrielle Anwar), and her stepmother, Carol (Meg Tilly), a situation made worse when Marti discovers the base is being taken over by alien pod people who plan on using the military’s power to enact a countrywide invasion, and stepmom is on the takeover list. Despite coming in after the release of the first two (and superior) Invasion of the Body Snatchers, this ’90s version is good stuff, with strong direction from Abel Ferrera (Driller Killer), a suspenseful screenplay written by Stuart (Re-Animator) Gordon, Dennis (From Beyond) Paoli, and Nicholas (King of New York) St. John, and a first-rate cast, including an underused Forest Whitaker. Anwar makes for a likable Final Girl, but Tilly steals the show in a chilling scene that could give Donald Sutherland a run for his money. B

HELLRAISER (2022) A remake of Clive Barker’s classic was always inevitable, and luckily this modern “reworking” of the 1987 film is mostly handled with care by director David Bruckner (V/H/S, The Night House). Trying to make extra money in order to move out of her brother’s apartment, recovering drug addict, Riley (Odessa A’zion), along with her shady boyfriend, Trevor (Drew Starkey), steals a mysterious crate containing the dreaded Lament Configuration. When Riley’s brother (Brandon Flynn) is targeted by the Cenobites, unearthly creatures who feed off human suffering, Riley must figure out how to get him back before she and her friends become next on the demons’ hit list. Riley and gang are essentially disposable, Gen-Z bimbos, and a subplot involving a millionaire’s obsession (and ultimate sacrifice) with the puzzle box is just a repeat of the Dr. Channard storyline from Hellbound: Hellraiser II. What makes this new Hellraiser interesting is the attention and detail given to the Cenobites, all of whom feel genuine and sinister. My main complaint (if it really is one) is the movie looks too good, too polished for what it is. The Cenobites’ make-up designs, while impressive, are smooth and shiny, creating an attractive, pleasing-to-the-eye array of creepy but pretty creatures – sort of a supermodel variant of Doug Bradley’s iconically wicked Pinhead. A departure from the gruesome (and appropriate) ickiness of the original. Hell should never look this clean. C+

TALES FROM THE HOOD (1995) Underrated anthology focusing on a trio of drug dealers looking to score at a South Central mortuary but end up coming face-to-face with Death in the form of the place’s creepy mortician, Mr. Simms (Clarence Williams III). Simms spins four tells of terror to the dealers, stories that revolve around recently embalmed bodies that lay in observance in his parlor – an idea later ripped off in the inferior Mortuary Collection. The first story deals with police brutality as a young black officer (Anthony Griffith) gets revenge on a group of racist cops for the brutal murder of an African-American politician. The second tale features a young boy (Brandon Hammond) who holds a powerful secret over his mother’s abusive boyfriend (David Allen Grier), dubbed the “Monster.” A racist Southerner (Corbin Bernsen) running for governor is terrorized by an animated doll that harbors the soul of his ancestor’s slave. The final segment has a convicted gangbanger (Lamont Bentley) being transferred to a strange facility where a doctor (Rosalind Cash) performs psychological tests on the man. A good mix of Tales from the Crypt storytelling and socially relevant topics, with an excellent performance by Williams III, slick direction by Rusty Cundieff, and a twist ending that pays off. B+

DEADSTREAM (2022) If The Blair Witch Project and Evil Dead 2 had a baby it might look like Deadstream, a funny, reverent, and highly inventive little scare show. To facilitate his comeback, disgraced internet celebrity, Shawn Ruddy (Joseph Winter, co-director), decides to lock himself inside a supposedly haunted house for one night, live streaming the entire event on his social media channel. Things don’t go as planned when Shawn accidentally lets loose a vengeful spirit and her army of evil minions that turns the recording into a real horror show. Sardonically poking fun at not just found footage but the influencer/YouTube generation, the movie is able to navigate through its simple premise with sustained confidence from its successful mixing of humor and scares – not to mention some creepy and original paranormal activity. A fun, energy-filled romp with good writing (by Winter and co-director, Vanessa Winter) and some terrific prosthetic make-up FX that help give the movie an authentic love-for-the-genre feel, something sadly missing these days. B+

BLOOD AND LACE (1971) After her prostitute mother is viciously murdered by someone with a hammer, teenager Ellie (Melody Patterson) is sent to live in a youth home run by the sadistic Mrs. Deere (Gloria Graham), a psychopath who, along with her deranged handyman (Len Lesser), tortures and kills those who try to run away. Ellie becomes so embroiled in her new situation that she doesn’t realize a masked man with a hammer is stalking her from a distance. An odd little movie, this is obviously an early template for the modern slasher, complete with the red herring, the final girl, and the character who twists their ankle while being chased by the killer. Not exactly good, Blood and Lace is interesting enough to keep the viewer’s attention, up until its busy climax. The prologue depicts the point-of-view of the killer breaking into a house, taking a weapon from the kitchen drawer, and going upstairs and killing a woman in the bedroom. One wonders if John Carpenter was at all influenced by this for the opening of Halloween. C+

CEMETERY OF TERROR (1985) A group of teens get more than they bargained for on a quiet Halloween night when they bring dead serial killer, Devlon (José Gómez Parcero) back to life as part of a Satanic ritual prank. Things get even worse when the zombified Devlon uses his own black magic to make the nearby cemetery turn into a walking dead jamboree. Characters are dumb and exist solely to get their guts ripped out, but the movie’s cobweb aesthetics and gothic graveyard setting help create a fun little flick despite its shortcomings. The pacing is slow but kicks into high gear around the halfway point when the characters you think are the protagonists are dispatched and a new group of characters show up, turning the tables on the viewer. It all comes to a bloody boiling point at the end when the film explodes with energy, delivering an exciting and satisfying conclusion. B–

THE LIVING DEAD AT MANCHESTER MORGUE (1974) Overrated Italian/Spanish reworking of Night of the Living Dead filmed in Derbyshire, England, in which two strangers (Ray Lovelock and Cristina Galbó) get caught in the middle of a nightmare when an experimental herbicide brings the dead back to flesh-craving life. A thick, creepy atmosphere and genuine suspense helps overcome a sluggish pace and an absurd police investigation subplot involving a hardboiled detective (Arthur Kennedy) who believes the mutilated bodies left by the zombies are actually the work of hippie Satanists! Most of the zombie action is saved for the last 20 minutes, and they’re good and gory, with excellent splatter handled by Giannetto De Rossi (Zombie). It’s easy to see where Lucio Fulci could have been inspired by this film for his future zombie epic, The Beyond. B–

DASHCAM (2022) Towards the end of Dashcam, the protagonist, Annie (Annie Hardy), asks, “God, why do you hate me?” Anyone who watches this movie longer than a few minutes will immediately know the answer to that question. Annie is such a self-centered, aggressively annoying character one wonders if the writers (Rob Savage, Gemma Hurley, Jed Shepherd) were intentionally trying to repel viewers. A new form of cinematic self-sabotage? Recording her life on a live streaming platform, Annie goes to London to visit her friend (Amar Chadha-Patel), but her vacation turns upside down when she gives a car ride to a strange elderly woman, and all manner of horror is unleashed. There’s a decent idea somewhere in this mess, and director Savage does a good job at employing the best out of the “shot-on-a-phone” gimmick that’s been played to death. Sadly, the POV video is so chaotic and disjointed that it’s difficult to tell what’s happening; the mythology behind the horror is underwritten and confusing, building to a “What Just Happened?” climax. A major disappointment from the makers of Host. D

THE DEAD NEXT DOOR (1989) A crude but well-intended love letter to George Romero by Akron, Ohio filmmaker J.R. Bookwalter, this low budget, gore-filled romp is so energized by its subject matter it’s hard not to find it endearing despite its limitations. A year after the walking dead have taken over, a government-issued Zombie Squad is ordered to wipe out the never-ending zombie invasion. The squad is sent to Akron where, in between blowing zombies to pieces and fighting off a militant religious group that sees the undead as holy, they must find a serum that could hold the key to curing the zombie virus. The Day of the Dead inspirations are obvious – there’s even a Bub-like smart zombie – with a lot of the story focused on the special FX, most of which are good, considering the small production budget. Shot over four years, Dead Next Door is slight but enjoyable splatter-tainment aimed at the hardcore zombie aficionado. Bruce Campbell dubbed the voice for the character named Raimi. Look for, “Romero is king,” graffiti and a character named Dr. Savini. B–

MANHATTAN BABY (1982) Perhaps Reigning King of Spaghetti Splatter, Lucio Fulci’s, last semi-classic, Manhattan Baby follows an American archeologist (Christopher Connelly) who accidentally releases a malevolent spirit following the opening of an Egyptian tomb. The entity latches itself onto the archeologist’s young daughter (Brigitta Boccoli), and, once back home in New York City, begins wrecking havoc on the family and those close to them. The story is a mess and makes little sense, but the ceaselessly inventive Fulci makes it (mostly) work with a surreal quality that, like his previous films, places the plot in a heightened, dreamlike state. Surprisingly lacking the director’s trademark gore (there is a juicy bird attack near the end), this makes for a decent companion piece to Fulci’s other love letter to NYC, The New York Ripper. Funny bit: a babysitter is named Jamie Lee. B–

SHE FREAK (1967) Disillusioned waitress, Jade (Claire Brennen), looking for a little excitement, gets a job with a traveling carnival, but quickly discovers her revulsion towards the place’s sideshow human oddities. After she seduces and marries the wealthy owner (Bill McKinney) for his money, she begins treating the carnival employees with distain, an act that seals her fate when the sideshow “freaks” retaliate against their abuser. A starchy, tie-dyed remake of Tod Browning’s Freaks, but unlike that 1932 classic, She Freak is lackluster in both story and execution. Brennen is undeniably charismatic and the lowbrow production quality lends the movie a quaint Herschell Gordon Lewis feel. Unfortunately, the whole film rests on its shock ending and never quite gets off the ground, but anybody who’s seen the Browning film will know what’s coming. C

BURNING BRIGHT (2010) Intense little flick about a teenager (Briana Evigan) and her autistic brother (Charlie Tahan) trapped inside their large house with a hungry bengal tiger during a hurricane. The plot sounds like a silly B-movie from the ’50s, but this is extremely well-made with taut direction (by Carlos Brooks), a quick pace, and some genuinely suspenseful, nail-biting moments thanks to smart, likable characters and Brooks’ eye for detailed sequences. Evigan is excellent, and the special FX are used wisely and effectively. The story takes a little long to get going, but once the tiger is out of the cage the fun begins. B

CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE (1980) Italian-made, filmed-in-Georgia, Romero/Fulci knock-off (co-written by Fulci regular, Dardano Sacchetti) about a Vietnam vet (John Saxon) who, along with two other soldiers, is exposed to a strange virus that slowly turns him into a crazed cannibal. When Saxon and Co. start biting people back home in Atlanta, the city is soon taken over by blood-thirsty ghouls. The movie is trying to be an allegory on Vietnam, but its impact is lessened due to massive plot holes (a S.W.A.T. team would never allow civilians to join a hostage negotiation), and the virus affecting characters differently due to silly plot conveniences. Saxon is good, and the make-up FX fair, but this is really just a wannabe zombie movie, minus the zombies, and the fun. Also known as Cannibals in the Street. C–

DOCUMENTING THE WITCH PATH (2017) A sort of Swedish Blair Witch about three student filmmakers who wish to make a documentary about the legendary “Witch Path,” a section of forest that was used for witch trials and executions in the 17th century. Things get complicated when they find out the place has been closed off to the general public by the local township, making the mystery surrounding the place even more of a cause to venture into the woods. This ultra low-budgeter is fairly engaging for most of its short running time, delivering an unsettling mythology and likable characters. It’s too bad a last-minute twist destroys any momentum the film built, leading to an ultimately disappointing ending. C+

THE UNSEEN (1981) In the highly enjoyable last 30 minutes of The Unseen, Barbara Bach’s character, Jennifer, is trapped in the basement of a boarding house with a maladjusted, mute man-child, who endlessly terrorizes her. Unfortunately, the first 60 minutes of the movie are not as enjoyable and rather boring, as Jennifer and her two news journalist colleagues unwisely rent a room at said remote boarding house, which is owned by a foreshadow-y old coot (Sydney Lassick) and his constantly-under-duress sister (Lelia Goldoni). The man-child, Junior (Stephen Furst), is actually a product of their incestuous relationship, and is kept locked in the cellar and treated like an animal. After her coworkers are murdered, Jennifer is “thrown to the wolf,” so to speak, by Lassick, who turns out to be even more deranged than Junior. Furst is quite good as the infantile son, while Bach is competent as the damsel in distress. Too restrained for its own good; this is one film that would have benefited from some additional splatter. C+

BLUE EYES OF THE BROKEN DOLL (1974) A splattery slasher/psychodrama about a troubled drifter, Gilles (Paul Naschy), who finds work as a handyman – and all-around stud – for three colorful sisters at their hilltop manor in the remote Spanish countryside. When a mystery killer starts hacking out the blue eyes of blonde women in the area, all fingers point to Gilles, but the real identity of the killer is a little more obvious to the experienced viewer. The Italian gialli were clearly the blueprint for this bit of Eurosploitation, which features all of the trademarks of Argento and Bava, including the black-gloved killer and the overly complicated backstories/subplots that add little to the suspense of the murders. A competently made, typically melodramatic early ’70s slice-and-dicer, co-written by Naschy, the Lon Chaney of Spain. I prefer the alternate American video title, House of Psychotic Women, a lot more. C+

INSEMINOID (1981) Abysmal Alien/Friday the 13th rip-off about a group of space explorers excavating a cave system on an uncharted alien planet who, naturally, fall victim to a predatory creature. When one of the team (Judy Geeson, who’s awful) is impregnated with the creature’s baby, she’s turned into a raving maniac and carves up her unlikable costars while playing “Mommie Dearest” to her parasitic offspring. Even by low-rent genre standards, Inseminoid lacks the slightest shred of credibility, with “scientists” who seem barely capable of turning on a light switch let alone operating advanced space-age computers. The movie’s lunchbox budget doesn’t help, neither do the cut-rate gore effects – and brain-dead characters who seem to be in a constant state of annoyance. The shock ending will give you a case of the eyeball rolls. One of the worst. F

SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA (1988) While trying to steal a bowling trophy from an indoor mall as part of a sorority pledge initiation, a group of college students are terrorized by an evil imp hiding inside said trophy. At first the imp (which looks like a hand-puppet leftover from Ghoulies) grants their every wish, until the imp’s real intentions are revealed and several of the group are turned into demons (one whose physical manifestation is the Bride of Frankenstein!) that try to kill the remaining pledge sisters, along with their nerdy (and horny) frat admirers. Sort of a Revenge of the Nerds with a supernatural twist, Sorority Babes is a harmless bit of self-referential, goofy fun that mostly works, until it runs out of steam, which is, unfortunately, before its brief 80-minutes are up. The movie’s saving graces are Scream Queen trio, Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer, all of whom have enough energy and spunk to make a “Bowling for Dummies” instructional video entertaining. B–

SPHERE (1998) A well-intended, but not totally successful, adaptation of the terrific Michael Crichton novel that’s actually much better than its reputation suggests. A team of scientists and doctors are assembled to explore a buried spacecraft discovered at the bottom of the ocean, inside of which is a large, floating orb that has the power to make your worst fears a reality. While it lacks the complexity and suspense of the book (not to mention a fantastic sequence involving a giant squid), Barry Levinson’s film is smart enough to move at a fast pace and creates an environment of paranoia and tension. The cast is good – Samuel L. Jackson is excellent – but the characters often come off as cold and unsympathetic, especially Sharon Stone’s pill-popping marine biologist. As with Outbreak, Dustin Hoffman makes for a warm and likable hero. First-rate production values and effective use of underwater photography. B