Category: Capsule Reviews

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Absurd, Blood Cult, Offerings

Absurd – 1981, Italy, 90m. Director: Joe D’Amato.

Blood Cult – 1985, US, 89m. Director: Christopher Lewis.

Offerings – 1989, US, 92m. Director: Christopher Reynolds.

ABSURD (1981) (AKA: Horrible; Monster Hunter) A babysitter and two kids are terrorized by a sadistic madman in this Italian rip-off of Halloween, made by the same people who brought you the family-friendly gore epic Anthropophagus. After awaking in the hospital, post-op, the madman (George Eastman) shoves an electric drill through a nurse’s skull and escapes into the night where he’s pursued by a mysterious priest (Edmund Purdom) who claims Eastman cannot be killed in the traditional sense—and giving the screenplay a convenient way for Eastman to withstand multiple bullet wounds and even a disemboweling! There are no surprises or any suspense found in the course of the 90-minute film. In fact, the lack of any kind of originality gives the movie a bad vibe that’s difficult to shake. The film does offer a truly funny moment in which a group of friends at a football party are dressed in suit-and-tie and eating bowls of linguine. Clearly the filmmakers immersed themselves in American culture before writing this turkey. D (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

BLOOD CULT (1985) You have to give the makers of this direct-to-video splatterfest credit for opening their movie with not only a tribute to Halloween (POV shot of a killer sneaking into a house at night) but also Psycho (a sorority babe is hacked to pieces in the shower). After the opening mayhem, the maniac heads to another sorority house where, meat-cleaver in hand, he decapitates a student and uses the severed head to beat a co-ed unconscious. The police are clueless, but the sheriff’s librarian daughter—an expert in the occult—believes the crimes have ritualistic overtones. More college kids get carved up—a woman has her leg chopped off while (of all things) taking out the trash—until one of the not-so-bright characters realizes parts of each of the victims is being taken by the killer. If you’ve seen H.G. Lewis’s Blood Feast you’ll have an understanding of where the plot of Blood Cult is going. That’s not to disparage the film entirely—Blood Cult is better made than it deserves to be. The writers pumped more character development and story structure into the paper-thin plot than you’d expect from such a bargain-basement slasher flick. But, it’s still a bargain-basement slasher flick—where else are you going to see a movie featuring a hero who resembles Roger Ebert? C+ (Currently not available.)

OFFERINGS (1989) Tired of being victimized by the world, young Johnny takes revenge by murdering his abusive mother and cannibalizing her. A decade later, the now grown but still very psychotic Johnny (Richard A. Buswell) escapes from the local sanitarium and returns to his childhood neighborhood to pick up where he left off by killing those who tormented him as a kid. A teenager’s skull is crushed in a vice and one of his fingers is left on the front porch of the girl (Loretta Leigh Bowman) who was nice to the madman as a child. Bowman receives more “gifts” from Johnny, including a severed ear—perhaps a homage to Blue Velvet?—and a pizza topped with human remains. The desecrated grave of Johnny’s mother is found with the headstone shattered in a scene that was obviously influenced by Halloween. In fact, so much of Offerings is ripped from the John Carpenter film that the viewer must constantly remind themselves the movie is not a parody—although one will most likely chuckle at the sight of a single teardrop emanating from the killer’s eye after being shot to pieces in the ludicrous ending; a particularly weird touch by the filmmakers. But like the majority of the movie, it’s not worth your time. C– (Available on YouTube.)

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Christmas Horror Revisited 🪓 Part 2

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984) Young Billy’s crazy grandfather plays mind games with the kid by instilling in him the idea that Santa Claus punishes those who’ve been naughty. This is followed by Billy witnessing the murder of his parents by a scumbag in a Santa outfit, culminating with the boy’s mental collapse years later at a Catholic orphanage—where he festers in a hotbed of sexual frustration and psychopathic tendencies. Come the holiday season, a teenage Billy (Robert Brian Wilson) completely snaps and—with axe in hand—goes on a Christmas Eve killing spree. After bumping off the usual foul-mouthed bullies and horny teens, he heads back to the orphanage to dispatch the strict Mother Superior (Lilyan Chauvin) who reinforced “punishment” methods that helped fuel Billy’s rage. Silent Night, Deadly Night was blasted by critics, and especially parents’ groups, for its negative depiction of Santa as a homicidal maniac. They missed the point, as the movie is really more anti-religion than anything else. I’m perhaps giving the film more credit than it deserves; nonetheless, Silent Night, Deadly Night is a thoroughly entertaining and unabashedly campy Yuletide splatterfest. (Currently not streaming.)

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART 2 (1987) Teenage Ricky (Eric Freeman), the younger brother of the Santa Claus killer from Part 1, is locked up in an institution after committing his own string of murders. (This doesn’t come to the surprise of anyone who remembers the climactic stinger of the first movie, where Ricky shouts “Naughty!” after witnessing Big Bro’s demise.) After ruminating about Billy’s massacre (which incorporates 30 minutes of flashback footage) and his own subsequent killing spree, Ricky kills his psychiatrist, dons a Santa outfit, and returns to the family business of slaughtering innocent people. The viewer will most likely not mind since the majority of Ricky’s victims are rapists, loan sharks, and general douchebags. The black humored violence offsets the film’s mean-spiritedness, especially the scene where Ricky kills a loud-mouthed jerk at a theater showing a movie about a killer Santa. Other humorous moments include Ricky returning to his childhood orphanage, the street number of which is 666. On the whole, Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is a lesser sequel that’s not quite as bad as its reputation suggests. Just don’t expect a Christmas miracle. (Currently streaming on Prime, Roku, Tubi, and Shudder.)

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 3: BETTER WATCH OUT! (1989) Ricky, the Santa Claus killer from Part 2, has been lying in a coma since being blasted out a window with a shotgun. Laura (Samantha Scully), a young blind woman with extrasensory perception, unknowingly forms a psychic connection with Ricky (Bill Moseley)—the result of a devious neurologist’s obsession with waking the serial killer by abusing Laura’s powers under false pretenses. The doc’s plans work as Ricky awakens and, with knife in hand, follows Laura and her brother to their grandmother’s country house for Christmas. Ricky ditches the Santa gear for a plastic medical bubble he wears on his head, exposing his brain. (In the previous film, Ricky was shot in the gut, not the head, leaving the viewer questioning this bit of flamboyant headgear.) But Silent Night, Deadly Night 3 isn’t written within the realms of logic—by this point in the series, story and continuity are incidental, and the film designed to appeal to the splatter crowd by offering up gory delights. This would explain how Ricky has morphed into a seemingly unstoppable killing machine, punching through doors and able to withstand multiple gunshot wounds. There’s some suspense towards the end, but the killing of too many likable characters makes Better Watch Out! a bummer. The disemboweling of the Evil Doctor is a highlight. (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 4: INITIATION (1990) Intrepid reporter Kim (Neith Hunter) stumbles upon the bizarre death of a woman in downtown Los Angeles, but her male coworkers dismiss the crime as unimportant. So Kim decides to investigate herself, which leads her to bookstore owner Fima (Maud Adams), who slowly initiates Kim into a cult of man-hating, lesbian pagans. At first Kim enjoys her new female cohorts—until she realizes Fima is using her as part of some sacrificial offering to Lilith, the Biblical Adam’s first wife and witch. The writers abandon the Ricky/killer Santa storyline from the previous Silent Night, Deadly Nights and instead focus on a supernatural tale infused with themes not usually found in slasher movies, such as lesbianism and New Age feminism. There’s a character named Ricky (Clint Howard), but it’s unclear whether it’s the same Ricky from Parts 2 and 3. It doesn’t matter much, as this Ricky ends up getting eviscerated and thrown to the curb where a bunch of oversized bugs feast on his innards. None of the film makes a lick of sense, but in its own way Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation works. It’s weird, it’s gross, and it’s never dull. (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOY MAKER (1991) Young Derek (William Thorne) receives a mysterious toy as a Christmas gift, which comes to life and kills the boy’s father. The murderous device seems to be the product of Joe Petto (Mickey Rooney), a local toymaker whose once thriving business is dying, turning the man into an abusive alcoholic. Petto takes most of his anger out on his teenage son, Pino (Brian Bremer). As the story progresses and more people are slaughtered, Petto slips on the proverbial Santa suit, breaks into homes, and unleashes his army of killer toys—leading to the predictable kidnapping of Derek and “revelation” that Pino is a robot, several screws short of sane. Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 doesn’t have any qualms about ripping off Pinocchio. In fact, the majority of the film is done tongue-in-cheek, which would explain the casting of Rooney, who publicly berated the original Silent Night, Deadly Night for its use of Santa as a serial killer. As with the other films in the SNDN series, if you enjoyed one, you’ll most likely enjoy The Toy Maker. All others will give it a wide berth. Director Martin Kitrosser would later become Quentin Tarantino’s script supervisor. (Currently streaming on Tubi and Roku.)

Happy Holidays!!!

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Christmas Horror Revisited 🎄 Part 1

Black Christmas – 1974, Canada, 98m. Director: Bob Clark.

Black Christmas – 2006, US, 95m. Director: Glen Morgan.

Bloodbeat – 1983, US, 87m. Director: Fabrice-Ange Zaphiratos.

Silent Night, Bloody Night – 1972, US, 84m. Director: Theodore Gershuny.

To All a Goodnight – 1980, US, 87m. Director: David Hess.

BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974) (AKA: Silent Night, Evil Night) The template for what would become the modern slasher movie, Black Christmas took the “killer’s-in-the-house” urban legend—later popularized in When a Stranger Calls and Scream—and transformed it into an influential, white-knuckle chiller. A sorority house becomes the perfect hiding spot for a killer who’s taken up residence inside the attic over the quiet Christmas break. The maniac eventually moves from voyeurism to murder, sparking a police investigation into a series of disturbing phone calls, which could be coming from the mentally unhinged boyfriend (Kier Dullea) of one of the house’s students (Olivia Hussey). Much like Halloween (which borrows quite liberally from this film), Black Christmas focuses more on character and suspense than on-screen bloodshed, building to an effective climax—the creepy twist ending gives the film another layer of psychological horror that stays with you. Tightly-paced and tautly directed by Bob Clark, this first-rate thriller was initially ignored but rapidly achieved cult status through late-night showings on television. Clark went on to helm another holiday classic, 1983’s A Christmas Story. (Streaming on Prime, Peacock, Tubi, and Shudder.)

BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006) The hot-to-trot sorority sisters of Delta Alpha Kappa get shish-kebabbed in more ways than one in this violent updating of the Bob Clark original. Expanding on the backstory only hinted at in the 1974 film, this version pits the sorority not only against the demented activities of escaped murderer Billy Lenz (Robert Mann) but his equally psychotic sister, Agnes, both of whom enjoy plucking out the eyeballs of their victims and masticating on the gooey remains—in extreme close-up. Former X-Files producer Glen Morgan directs the movie with an ’90s-inspired fervor that, for most of its 80-plus minutes, is so relentlessly paced the viewer might experience whiplash. The Alpha Kappas are all personality-infused—House Mother Mrs. Mac is played by the original’s Andrea Martin—yet their gory demises don’t muster the sympathy we felt for the ’74 characters. A harmless, colorful remake. (Streaming on Paramount+, Tubi, and Freevee.)

BLOODBEAT (1983) A family—many of whom are embedded with psychic/telekinetic powers—celebrating Christmas in rural Wisconsin are terrorized by the bloodthirsty spirit of a samurai warrior. How and why this malevolent being is targeting this specific family is never explained; the same can be said about their powers, which the clan’s mother (Helen Benton) is best at controlling. What is clear is that the samurai wields a mighty blade, used to slice open the neighbors while Benton and gang try to create a psychic barrier to protect themselves. An offbeat little film made all the more surreal by director Fabrice-Ange Zaphiratos’s handling of the material, which has an overly European flair. Granted, this lends the film an otherworldly feel, but to a degree Bloodbeat is often too surreal, creating a mixed watching experience for the viewer—some will appreciate Zaphiratos’s artsy aesthetic, others will loathe it. Either way, one can’t deny Bloodbeat‘s commitment to the form; whether it works or not is up to you. (Streaming on Tubi.)

SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1972) (AKA: Night of the Dark Full Moon and Death House) On Christmas Eve, 1950, a man named Wilfred Butler is immolated in his country estate, the crime later pronounced a suicide. Twenty years later, Butler’s grandson sells the house to a group of town officials, all of whom want to forget about the tragedy and tear the building down. The demolition plans—as well as the estate lawyer’s use of the house’s bedroom for sex with his much younger girlfriend—are interrupted by the activities of a hatchet-wielding madman. The killer’s arrival coincides with that of Butler’s grandson (James Patterson) and the escape of a patient from the local sanitarium. All of the bloodshed is over an incident that happened decades earlier when Butler turned his mansion into a home for the mentally ill, subsequently committing his own daughter as a patient. The plot gets a little confusing towards the climax, but Silent Night, Bloody Night is too good to dismiss. The mystery is intriguing enough to keep viewers engaged, and the axe-murders have enough splatter to please gorehounds. The use of the killer’s POV and Joseph Mohr’s “Silent Night” predates Black Christmas. Look for Andy Warhol superstars Candy Darling and Ondine in a flashback. Highly recommended. (Streaming on Prime and Tubi.)

TO ALL A GOODNIGHT (1980) The snotty young women of Calvin’s Finishing School are bumped off over Christmas vacation by a demented killer in this trashy but enjoyable rip-off of Black Christmas. A student plunges to her death, the boyfriend of one of the girls is subdued from behind while sneaking around the garden, yet another student is stabbed in the heart with a buck knife. The arrival of more boyfriends creates a holiday buffet for the killer, who’s decked out in a Santa Claus outfit and mask. Virginal good girl Jennifer Runyon begins to suspect foul play when her partying cohorts begin disappearing and reappearing without their heads. The Bible-thumping groundskeeper warns of impending doom in a darkly humorous scene that’s juxtaposed with the killer burying a victim’s decapitated body. The screenplay does the story a disservice by injecting a police investigation into the plot and slowing down momentum. Luckily, the cops are quickly dispatched before the school’s No. 1 nymphet discovers her friend’s head in the shower. The film’s use of good makeup FX and a clever twist should help viewers to ignore the stiff acting and ridiculous plot conveniences, making this a decent addition to the yuletide slasher collection. (Streaming on MGM+.)

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Fatal Exam, Funeral Home, It Follows

Fatal Exam – 1990, US, 114m. Director: Jack Synder.

Funeral Home – 1980, Canada, 92m. Director: William Fruet.

It Follows – 2015, US, 100m. Director: David Robert Mitchell.

FATAL EXAM (1990) College students volunteer for a parapsychology study at a supposedly haunted house where, years earlier, a man named Malcolm Nostrand killed his family before disappearing. The gang sets up recording equipment and other surveillance devices, which don’t capture much in the way of ghostly activity until the next morning when a mysterious figure is seen on video. Several of the students also see apparitions around the house, with one of the group (Mike Coleman) witnessing Nostrand wielding a bloody sword on the staircase. Is it just a form of mass hysteria, or has the presumed-dead Nostrand returned from the beyond? The bigger question is why it takes the filmmakers almost two hours to tell such a paper-thin story, made worse by lifeless characters and sluggish pacing. The screenplay spends time setting up the plot by incorporating elements from The Amityville Horror and The Dead Zone but drops the ball (most likely due to a lack of funds) by delivering a dull retread of every other slasher flick of the era. By the 90-minute mark, Fatal Exam ends up being nothing more than a bloated experiment created by overzealous filmmakers. Shot in Missouri, Fatal Exam doesn’t make the grade. C– (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

FUNERAL HOME (1980) (AKA: Cries in the Night) This modest Canadian chiller was marketed as an American-style slasher, but it actually has more in common with Hitchcock’s Psycho. Young Heather (Lesleh Donaldson) spends the summer with her religious grandmother (Kay Hawtrey), helping the woman run a newly established bed-and-breakfast. Prior to the new business, the building was used as a funeral parlor—explaining its inherently creepy demeanor, and granny’s peculiar behavior. Several people go missing in the wake of the place’s opening, including Heather’s grandfather (the town mortician), and a land developer who showed interest in purchasing grandma’s property. When she’s not scolding a tourist and his mistress for living in sin under her roof, granny spends her time pacing in the cellar and holding entire conversations with herself. It won’t surprise the sophisticated viewer to learn grandma is off her rocker and willing to go to any lengths to protect the family’s Big Secret. Funeral Home is often contrived and predictable, but that doesn’t stop it from being an effective little film featuring good acting and some actual suspense. Worth checking out. B (Currently streaming on Tubi and Shudder.)

IT FOLLOWS (2015) Adolescence has often been used as metaphorical subtext in horror films. Carrie, Fright Night, the Ginger Snap series—these movies deliver good stories of young adults in turmoil, intertwined with an intriguing premise, typically with a fine balance of subtext (budding sexuality, identity, etc.) and horror. The cardinal sin a film like It Follows makes is that it wallows so much in allegory that the horror aspects, much like the story’s characters, never feel fully matured. The plot—a young woman (Maika Monroe) is pursued by a demonic entity after she has sex—is textbook teen horror melodrama: sex equals death. There’s nothing particularly special about that plot device, although the teen characters in It Follows seem more authentic than the airheads usually littering these kinds of movies. Yet, unlike Fright Night‘s Charley, or Carrie White, the viewer is never rooting for Monroe and her cohorts to prevail. In fact, they never come off as truly sympathetic; they just exist to fill space. Perhaps that’s another metaphor? Had the filmmakers focused more on horror and less on existentialism, It Follows could have been a new classic in the genre. As it is, the film is too cold to muster much excitement over. C (Currently streaming on Freevee, Prime, and Paramount+.)

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Dead-End Drive-In, Fright, The Kiss, Trog

Dead-End Drive-In – 1986, Australia, 92m. Director: Brian Trenchard-Smith.

Fright – 1971, UK, 86m. Director: Peter Collinson.

The Kiss – 1988, Canada, 101m. Director: Pen Densham.

Trog – 1970, UK, 93m. Director: Freddie Francis.

DEAD-END DRIVE-IN (1986) Worldwide economic collapse and man-made chemical disasters have turned civilization into one big car crash derby. The rise in crime and teenage delinquency in an Australian town has led to the creation of secret detention centers for youthful criminals and the unemployed. Unfortunately, dimwitted Jimmy (Ned Manning) and his girlfriend, Carmen (Natalie McCurry), find themselves trapped in a center after being lured into one that’s disguised as a drive-in showing Turkey Shoot (1982). Jimmy plots to escape the electrified walls and return to some semblance of freedom while Carmen acclimates to the place’s shanty town/punk lifestyle and turns into even more of a dolt—and a racist to boot. Dead-End Drive-In has the look of a flashy music video, complete with spiked hair, dog collars, and revved up car chases. But just like a music video the film is empty and utterly forgettable the minute it’s over. Obtuse characters and a lack of any genuine excitement result in a callous Mad Max rip-off aimed at the under 18 market with nothing to offer other than its unique drive-in setting. D+ (Currently streaming on Hoopla.)

FRIGHT (1971) A college student (Susan George) is tormented by an escaped madman while babysitting at a remote house. A precursor to films like When a Stranger Calls, Halloween, and many other babysitters-in-terror titles, this British production doesn’t have any true surprises for the sophisticated viewer—it’s extremely tame by today’s standards—but it’s well-acted and manages to raise a few goosebumps during its first act. Unfortunately, the third act’s hostage standoff scenario kills any momentum the film built and sinks the premise into the doldrums of yet another police procedural. George makes a likable protagonist but it’s Honor Blackman as the level-headed ex-wife of psychopath Ian Bannon who steals the show. C (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

THE KISS (1988) After her mother is killed in a spectacular car crash, young Amy (Meredith Salenger) is thrust into a new life with her estranged aunt, Felice (Joanna Pacula). Unfortunately for Amy, beautiful Felice is host to a black magic-conjured parasitic creature that transports between humans via the title affection—and anyone who gets in the way of her plot to take over the family homestead is met with disaster. Amy’s suspicions are dismissed by her horny father (Nicholas Kilbertus), who’s too busy screwing Felice to notice his daughter’s distress. Felice also has a familiar in the form of a demonic cat-like critter that puts the kibosh to many of Amy’s friends. The Kiss doesn’t offer anything new in the teenagers-in-peril arena but instead uses elements from better horror titles (namely Cat People and The Omen) to tell its story. What the movie does have are suspense, inventive Chris Walas makeup effects, and good acting, especially from Mimi Kuzyk as Amy’s nurturing neighbor. Only a ludicrous ending undermines a decent little film. B– (Available on YouTube.)

TROG (1970) A team of cave explorers in the British countryside discover a living troglodyte in the form of a prehistoric man/ape creature. “Trog” kills one of the explorers and wounds another, prompting their scientist colleague, Dr. Brockton (Joan Crawford), to capture the beast and bring it back to civilization. This causes a media frenzy in the nearby town in the form of disbelieving journalists and a hot-headed, Bible-quoting big wig named Murdock (Michael Gough) whose plan to build a hotel in the area is thwarted by Trog’s presence. Trog learns to speak (briefly), play with a ball, and makes goo-goo eyes at Brockton’s granddaughter (Kim Braden). Murdock trashes Brockton’s lab and sets Trog free into the world, where the misunderstood manimal goes on a killing spree—which includes hanging a butcher on his own meathook. Campy and ridiculous, but entertaining in spite of itself. B– (Currently streaming on Prime.)

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Cannibal Man, Wait Until Dark, The Worm Eaters

Cannibal Man – 1972, Spain, 97m. Director: Eloy de la Iglesia.

The Dead Are Alive – 1972, Italy/West Germany/Yugoslavia, 105m. Director: Armando Crispino.

Wait Until Dark – 1967, US, 107m. Director: Terence Young.

The Worm Eaters – 1977, US, 89m. Director: Herb Robins.

CANNIBAL MAN (1972) Abattoir worker Marcos (Vincente Parra) kills a man in self-defense and subsequently begins a series of murders to cover-up the crime. The first to go is his hot-to-trot fiancée, who demands he go to the police but is strangled and stuffed under the bed. Marcos’ future sister-in-law comes sniffing around and, upon discovery of the carnage, has her throat bled out like one of his workplace cattle. Marcos uses his expertise as a butcher to dispose of the evidence by chopping up the corpses and tossing the remains into an industrial meat grinder. The stress consumes and turns him into a social pariah, exacerbated by a budding relationship with a male neighbor (Eusebio Poncela) that draws out Marcos’ latent homosexuality. Ignore the meaningless title—which is either metaphorical or the original Spanish title was lost in translation—this is a thoughtful and suspenseful film worth checking out. B (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

THE DEAD ARE ALIVE (1972) A smug American professor (Alex Cord) on an archeological excursion in Italy gets wrapped up in a murder mystery when two people are found bludgeoned to death at his dig site. The police are called into action and The Dead Are Alive turns into yet another good-looking but painfully slow Italian/European psycho-thriller, or giallo as the subgenre is more popularly known. Another victim, a female, is found wearing red fuck-me pumps designed specifically for a local ballet. The gay ballet costume designer who minces around in a skin-tight tank top becomes the prime suspect, but one can’t help but feel this is because the film was written by men who were still living in 1950. The revelation that Cord was once committed to a mental hospital does little to persuade the viewer he’s responsible for the murders. But frankly, by that point, I didn’t care in the slightest. This is a movie with zero character interest and the mystery feels about as involving as a party where you’re the only guest. If you really want to know who the killer is you’ll have to slog through one hour and forty-five minutes to find out. Good luck. D (Currently available on YouTube.)

WAIT UNTIL DARK (1967) Audrey Hepburn gives a terrific performances in this smart psychological slow-burn. Hepburn plays Susy, a recently blinded New Yorker terrorized by a trio of thugs in her Greenwich Village apartment. The robbers present themselves as cops investigating a recent murder—but unbeknownst to Susy, the men, lead by the creepy Roat (Alan Arkin), are desperately searching her apartment for a heroin-stuffed doll. Director Terence Young (Goldfinger) steadily tightens the screws, building to a white-knuckle climax worthy of the best of Hitchcock. Hepburn is strong-willed and sympathetic; Arkin is quietly intimidating, especially when he flashes his knife. Frederick Knott, who wrote the screenplay, also penned the stage production as well as the Hitchcock adaptation of Dial M for Murder. B+ (Currently unavailable.)

THE WORM EATERS (1977) In a desperate attempt to revitalize a small town, a greedy mayor tries to pull the wool over the eyes of a worm farmer (Herb Robins) who holds the deed to a piece of dried up swampland where the mayor wishes to start construction. The town, which seems to be inhabited by idiots, doesn’t know Robins is a demented old fart who’s plotting revenge against everyone by making a special kind of worm that, when ingested, turns people into half-worm, half-humanoid creatures—or wormaid? The film never explains how this happens, but it’s probably for the best. And this is supposed to be a comedy! The culmination of this stupendously moronic movie is a dream sequence in which seventies Playgirl centerfold Barry Hostetler, as the King of the Worm People, pleas with Robins for human/worm coexistence. The best part of The Worm Eaters is the opening credits played to the tune of “You’ll End Up Eating Worms,” a song adaptation of a children’s nursery rhyme. After those three minutes, it’s all downhill. A real turd. F (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

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Blood Legacy, A Candle for the Devil, The Cat and the Canary

Blood Legacy – 1971, US, 82m. Director: Carl Monson.

A Candle for the Devil – 1973, Spain, 87m. Director: Eugenio Martin.

Cannibal Girls – 1973, Canada, 85m. Director: Ivan Reitman.

The Cat and the Canary – 1978, UK/US, 91m. Director: Radley Metzger.

BLOOD LEGACY (1971) (AKA: Legacy of Blood; Will to Die) The spoiled offspring of a dead millionaire (John Carradine) must spend a week living in the family mansion in order to collect their inheritance. The majority of the children, along with their spouses, don’t make it far before someone with a grudge starts sending them to join daddy—a severed head is found on the kitchen table the first night. In between the murders are dull scenes of sibling rivalry and banter from the ominous house servants, including a wild-eyed, self-flagellating butler named Igor (Buck Kartalian). In a completely shocking twist (cough…. choke…) the killer is unmasked as the very much alive Carradine who went cuckoo from his wife’s infidelity years ago. The only redeeming moment that viewers can take away from this morose experience is when the housekeeper, after discovering the secret, winks at the camera and mutters, “And you thought it was the butler all along!” Touché. A deservedly forgotten film, also known as Legacy of Blood—not to be confused with Andy Milligan’s Legacy of Blood from 1978, which features the exact same plot! D (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

A CANDLE FOR THE DEVIL (1973) (AKA: It Happened at Nightmare Inn; Nightmare Hotel) Two uptight Catholic sisters operating a hotel in a Spanish village discover their buxom guest sunbathing topless and, in a fit of rage, accidentally kill the woman. Believing it’s a sign from God, the eldest sister (Aurora Bautista) quickly covers up the crime by chopping up the body and incinerating the remains in their brick fire oven. In what is either a homage or rip-off of Psycho, the dead woman’s sister (Judy Geeson) arrives in town and grows suspicious of the two owners. Yet another nubile guest triggers Bautista, who sends sis (Esperanza Roy) to the knife-sharpener for another round of God’s holy work. Later, the libidinous Roy has sex with a local man, and on her walk-of-shame home bares her thighs while trudging through thorn bushes. Geeson uses a local friend to pose as her husband and the two check in to the hotel to investigate, causing a rift in the murderous sisters’ holier-than-thou bloodshed. Tasteless and exploitative, but also very enjoyable. Avoid the heavily censored version dubbed It Happened at Nightmare Inn, which eliminates most the movie’s nudity and violence. B (Currently streaming on Tubi as It Happened at Nightmare Inn.)

CANNIBAL GIRLS (1973) A couple (Eugene Levy and Andrea Martin) on a weekend drive through some Ontario backcountry stumble upon the small town of Farmhamville. At first the place seems like a quaint hamlet, prime for food and shelter, until Martin slowly realizes the town is overlorded by a demented man known as the Reverend (Ronald Ulrich) and his three equally demented female followers. Over the years, the Reverend has turned Farmhamville into a thriving meatpacking district—the secret ingredient being human beef which is served to the community in ample amounts. A salty, weird, enjoyable bit of early seventies comedy-horror from future Ghostbusters director Ivan Reitman. B– (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

THE CAT AND THE CANARY (1978) In 1934, the surviving clan of the late Cyrus West gather at the deceased’s estate for the reading of his will. The cousins are the usual assortment of self-involved yuppies, all of whom could be chosen as the sole heir of the West fortune. That is until young Annabelle (Carol Lynley) is selected as the inheritor, with the caveat that Annabelle must stay the night in the West mansion with her relatives and deemed sane the next morning. To top off the night, a madman who believes he’s a cat has escaped from an asylum and is stalking the area, and may already be inside the house. Despite this being the umpteenth filming of John Willard’s play—the most famous being the 1927 silent classic of the same name—the movie feels fresh thanks to good direction by porn auteur Radley Metzger, and a first-rate cast—Bond Girl Honor Blackman is a hoot as the sly Susan Sillsby, a conniving huntress having an incestuous relationship with her cousin (Olivia Hussey). Worth checking out for Willard enthusiasts. B (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

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Carnival of Blood, Hush… Hush Sweet Charlotte, Something Wicked This Way Comes

Carnival of Blood – 1970, US, 87m. Director: Leonard Kirtman.

Hush… Hush, Sweet Charlotte – 1964, US, 132m. Director: Robert Aldrich.

Something Wicked This Way Comes – 1983, US, 95m. Director: Jack Clayton.

The Willies – 1990, US, 91m. Director: Brian Peck.

CARNIVAL OF BLOOD (1970) A man having a night out with his shrill wife at Coney Island’s amusement park is beset by a mad killer who follows them into the funhouse. The man comes out alive but his wife’s head is missing, ensuring a quiet evening for the man—and the audience. The next night, a nagging prostitute is stabbed under the park’s boardwalk, her intestines subsequently yanked out by the madman and stuffed inside a teddy bear—an effectively unnerving detail. Could there be a pattern to the killer’s modus operandi? Could it have something to do with the slow-witted carnival employee (the late Burt Young in an inauspicious film debut) who has a distaste for critical women? Do you smell a twist emanating from the lousy screenplay? This has the look and feel of a Herschell Gordon Lewis flick, but Carnival of Blood lacks the unintentional humor and colorful characters associated with Lewis’s work, and instead wallows in its dull, Psycho-infused narrative. It also doesn’t help matters that hero Martin Barolsky and his girlfriend Judith Resnick don’t have winning personalities—he’s a hotheaded dolt and she’s a whining narcissist. Great Brooklyn locations, though. C– (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

HUSH… HUSH, SWEET CHARLOTTE (1964) Decades after supposedly chopping her married lover into pieces, Charlotte Hollis (Bette Davis) has turned into a reclusive spinster living out her days inside a crumbling Louisiana manor. The county’s plans to demolish Charlotte’s house sends the heiress into a tailspin of madness, made worse by the arrival of Charlotte’s wrong-side-of-the-tracks cousin (Olivia de Havilland). Charlotte’s mental capacity all but collapses after nightly visitations from her headless ex. This B&W chiller reunited Davis with Baby Jane director Robert Aldrich, and while the results aren’t nearly as titillating, Hush… Hush, Sweet Charlotte offers the viewer a juicy mystery wrapped in good acting and a couple of gory moments—the opening murder via meat cleaver is quite gruesome for its time. Overlong, and with a twist that rips off Diabolique (1955)—but still a solid film. As Charlotte’s faithful maid, Agnes Moorehead is a hoot. B (Currently not streaming.)

SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES (1983) A handsomely photographed but uneven adaptation of the Ray Bradbury book, this is an example of massive studio interference (by Walt Disney) resulting in a film that feels incomplete. A small American town is overtaken by a mysterious traveling carnival and its sinister proprietor, Mr. Dark (Jonathan Pryce), who grants the locals their innermost desires in exchange for their souls, which he harbors inside one of his circus tents. Bradbury dropped out of the project after Disney rejected his original script treatment. He still gets writing credit, but many scenes were rewritten by John Mortimer, including a sequence in which the young protagonists are attacked by spiders—this scene was clearly shot at least a year after principle photography, as both child actors are visibly older. The good cast helps, especially Pryce in one of his earliest film roles, Jason Robards as a heroic father, and Pam Grier as Mr. Dark’s seductive sidekick. A muddled tone of Light vs. Dark (Good vs. Evil), and some heavy-handed plot conveniences creates more confusion than anything else, although there is an eventful climax boasted by some terrific special FX. It makes the viewer wonder what could have been accomplished had Bradbury stayed on course. A missed opportunity, indeed. C (Currently unavailable.)

THE WILLIES (1990) A comedic anthology in the E.C. tradition, with a trio of kids camping in the woods trying to creep each other out by telling ghost stories and gross-out jokes. After the predictable spinning of popular urban legends—like the dog in the microwave and the rat in the bucket of fried chicken—the oldest teen (Sean Astin) lays into the film’s first story involving a nerdy boy who’s not only harassed by his classmates but constantly persecuted by his tyrannical teacher (Kathleen Freeman). That is until he discovers a hungry creature lurking in the bathroom, which he uses to his advantage to dispose the bullies buffet-style. The second tale revolves around obnoxious brat, Gordy (Michael Bower), who has a fascination with pulling the wings off flies and gluing the bodies to a series of dioramas he keeps in the basement. He also bakes cookies and substitutes raisins with flies, which he serves to the kids at school. Gordy ultimately gets his just desserts when the flies come back as ginormous monsters, thanks to a local disgruntled farmer’s growth hormone serum. This story has moments but runs too long and lacks the inventiveness of the previous chapter. But, in terms of low-budget anthology titles, you could do a lot worse than The Willies. C+ (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

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Captain Kronos, Grave Secrets, HauntedWeen

Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter – 1974, US, 91m. Director: Brian Clemens.

Grave Secrets – 1989, US, 89m. Director: Donald P. Borchers.

HauntedWeen – 1991, US, 87m. Director: Doug Robertson.

Witchcraft – 1988, US, 92m. Director: Rob Spera.

CAPTAIN KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER (1974) A small 19th century village is plagued by a series of bizarre incidents in which youthful women are turned into wrinkled old crones. Fearing the worst, the town’s doctor (John Carson) calls upon his former army friend and all-around vampire killer, Kronos (Horst Janson), who arrives with his hunchback assistant (John Cater) and the beautiful damsel-in-distress (Caroline Munro) he rescued from a pillory. One of Hammer Studio’s most lavish and ambitious productions, Captain Kronos is also wildly uneven—unsuccessfully mixing traditional vampire horror with swordplay melodrama, the film ultimately becomes a showcase for a lack of inventiveness and energy found in earlier (and better) Hammer movies. In fact, Captain Kronos‘s failure at the box office was the final straw for Hammer and the studio went bankrupt shortly after its release, ultimately canceling any further adventures for Kronos and his gang. C (Currently not streaming.)

GRAVE SECRETS (1989) Bed-and-breakfast owner, Iris (Renée Soutendijk), seeks the help of parapsychologist, David (Paul Le Mat), claiming her not-exactly-thriving country business is haunted. Thinking Iris is just looking for attention to bolster her clientele, David soon changes his mind when he witnesses levitating objects and hears phantom footsteps inside the house. Eventually, Iris’s mysterious past surfaces and sheds light on the supernatural manifestation, which might have something to do with the beheading of a man months earlier. A subtle approach to the material by the filmmakers is a welcome change of pace, but the screenplay is scattershot and raises more questions than answers, including why a subplot involving a local bumpkin’s (Lee Ving) obsession with Iris is at all relevant—the writers eventually drop it. The film’s lone scare comes during the last few minutes, but it turns out to be just a dream. It might work for De Palma, but in Grave Secrets it’s just another nail in the coffin. C (Currently not streaming.)

HAUNTEDWEEN (1991) In 1970, a young girl is killed inside a Halloween attraction by a mentally unstable kid named Eddie. Twenty years later, a frat brother (Brien Blakely) and his drunken cohorts try to raise money for their cash poor fraternity by recreating the haunted house attraction at the same location as the infamous murder—not realizing Eddie (Ethan Adler) has returned to the scene of the crime to pick up where he left off. Customers pool in to see the place’s dollar store aesthetic until Eddie kidnaps a few teens to his appropriately titled “Kill Room,” where patrons are witness to a victim having her throat cut with a chainsaw in a scene that gives new meaning to low budget filmmaking. A few minutes later, a jock has his head lopped off with a baseball bat, after which the crowd chants “home run” when the head bounces off the wall. One of Blakely’s friends sears Eddie’s face with a flamethrower, but not before the madman escapes into the night—along with the depressing thought that the makers of this trite slasher were hoping for a HauntedWeen 2. Luckily audiences were spared that unnecessary idea. Filmed in Bowling Green, Kentucky. C– (Currently available on Tubi.)

WITCHCRAFT (1988) After experiencing an arduous childbirth, Grace (Anat Topol) and her baby are sent to live with her husband John’s (Gary Sloan) mother, Elizabeth (Mary Shelley). The first night in the mansion, Grace has a dream involving people in black robes feasting on the innards of a dead dog. Elizabeth walks around the place looking like Mrs. Danvers from Rebecca (1940) and showing off the baby to her weirdo friends. The gaunt butler stands around looking sinister and tells Grace to stay out of the old wing of the house and dropping one of the biggest foreshadowing clues of all time. Grace’s relative, a priest, comes to visit and is immediately struck sick with visions of fire and brimstone. Before you can say Rosemary’s Baby, Grace uncovers a plot against her and her newborn designed by both Elizabeth and John—who are actually a pair of married Devil worshippers, murdered centuries ago by Puritans, and who have returned to sacrifice the baby for the Dark Lord. The screenplay never explains why the witches come back in present day Los Angeles—what exactly were they doing for all those decades?—or why Grace is chosen as its mother. But the film is directed and acted with enough confidence to make this lukewarm venture a watchable bit of 80s nostalgic malarkey. Whether you can sit through the subsequent thirteen sequels is up to you. C (Currently available on YouTube.)

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TV Films—Crowhaven Farm, The Initiation of Sarah, The Spell 📺

Crowhaven Farm – 1970, US, 73m. Director: Walter Grauman.

The Initiation of Sarah – 1978, US, 97m. Director: Robert Day.

The Spell – 1977, US, 86m. Director: Lee Philips.

The Stranger Within – 1974, US, 74m. Director: Lee Philips.

CROWHAVEN FARM (1970) A piece of dried up farmland is bequeathed to a city slicker who’s subsequently immolated in a car crash. The place is then handed down to next of kin Hope Lange who, once moved into the isolated house with her husband (Paul Burke), becomes psychically linked to its grim past of witchcraft and Devil worship. Desperate to have a child, Lang and Burke adopt an ominous little girl (Cindy Eilbacher) who salaciously crawls into bed with daddy Burke when Lang is out of town. Turns out Eilbacher and the rest of town are the reincarnation of 17th century devil-worshippers and want Lang’s soul as payment for her ancestor’s sins. A silly but very accessible television movie taken from the Rosemary’s Baby page of supernatural Satanic horror. B– (Currently not streaming.)

THE INITIATION OF SARAH (1978) College life is difficult for Sarah (Kay Lenz), an insecure freshman whose bubbly, buxom stepsister, Patty (Morgan Brittany), doesn’t have problems fitting into campus life. In order to offset the societal hierarchy, beautiful Patty is accepted into prestigious Alpha Nu Sigma, while dowdy Sarah moves into the detested Phi Epsilon Delta. Sarah slowly immerses into her new life while honing her telekinetic powers. Much like Carrie White from the Stephen King story, Sarah unconsciously—and sometimes consciously—uses her powers against her oppressors, including bigwig sorority bitch Morgan Fairchild. Those expecting a violent FX-filled showdown in the vein of Carrie‘s prom night climax might be disappointed in the movie’s subtler approach, although there is a fiery ending involving a sacrificial altar. The Initiation of Sarah‘s made-for-television aspects stop the story from becoming too exploitative, and relies on good acting and a suspenseful last third to pull the viewer in, which the film does quite well. B (Currently not streaming.)

THE SPELL (1977) Burdened with school bullies and a doltish family, Rita (Susan Myers) is an overweight fifteen-year-old at her wits end. Desperate for a resolution to her torment, Rita breaks open her psychic mind powers and begins serving the much needed justice only black magic can conjure. The first to feel Rita’s wrath is her asshole father (James Olson), who’s almost mowed down by a speeding car. A friend of the family spontaneously overheats like a hard-boiled egg and dies. Rita’s younger sister (Helen Hunt) almost drowns during a swim meet. Mom Lee Grant seeks help from a parapsychologist and tries to put a stop to Rita’s spell work, but by that point the viewer is more likely to give Rita a blue ribbon for the disposing of such despicable characters. Unlike Carrie, which this movie is ripping off, The Spell isn’t told through the viewpoint of Rita but of her mother, thereby eliminating a lot of the impact of Rita’s revenge tactics. Would Carrie White’s blood-soaked finale be as satisfying if the entire film was seen through her mother’s eyes? C (Currently streaming on Prime.)

THE STRANGER WITHIN (1974) In this Richard Matheson-scripted telefilm, which borrows elements from Rosemary’s Baby, The Exorcist, and Chariots of the Gods, carefree housewife Ann (Barbara Eden) becomes unexpectedly pregnant—a troubling revelation considering her husband, David (George Grizzard), had a vasectomy years earlier. Because he’s a man of his era, David accuses Ann of infidelity. Her sunny disposition changes, as she develops a ravenous appetite for salty foods, and a sudden interest in chemistry. It doesn’t come to the surprise of anybody (audience included) to learn Ann’s baby is not of this world and is actually an alien intelligence, cast out by its society to find a home inside Ann’s womb. Eden is good but doesn’t have much material to work with. Matheson’s screenplay is too silly to be taken seriously, leaving one to wonder if this would have worked better as an episode of I Dream of Jeannie. C (Currently not streaming.)