BLUE EYES OF THE BROKEN DOLL(1974) A splattery slasher/psychodrama about a troubled drifter, Gilles (Paul Naschy), who finds work as a handyman – and all-around stud – for three colorful sisters at their hilltop manor in the remote Spanish countryside. When a mystery killer starts hacking out the blue eyes of blonde women in the area, all fingers point to Gilles, but the real identity of the killer is a little more obvious to the experienced viewer. The Italian gialli were clearly the blueprint for this bit of Eurosploitation, which features all of the trademarks of Argento and Bava, including the black-gloved killer and the overly complicated backstories/subplots that add little to the suspense of the murders. A competently made, typically melodramatic early ’70s slice-and-dicer, co-written by Naschy, the Lon Chaney of Spain. I prefer the alternate American video title, House of Psychotic Women, a lot more. C+
INSEMINOID(1981) Abysmal Alien/Friday the 13th rip-off about a group of space explorers excavating a cave system on an uncharted alien planet who, naturally, fall victim to a predatory creature. When one of the team (Judy Geeson, who’s awful) is impregnated with the creature’s baby, she’s turned into a raving maniac and carves up her unlikable costars while playing “Mommie Dearest” to her parasitic offspring. Even by low-rent genre standards, Inseminoid lacks the slightest shred of credibility, with “scientists” who seem barely capable of turning on a light switch let alone operating advanced space-age computers. The movie’s lunchbox budget doesn’t help, neither do the cut-rate gore effects – and brain-dead characters who seem to be in a constant state of annoyance. The shock ending will give you a case of the eyeball rolls. One of the worst. F
SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA (1988) While trying to steal a bowling trophy from an indoor mall as part of a sorority pledge initiation, a group of college students are terrorized by an evil imp hiding inside said trophy. At first the imp (which looks like a hand-puppet leftover from Ghoulies) grants their every wish, until the imp’s real intentions are revealed and several of the group are turned into demons (one whose physical manifestation is the Bride of Frankenstein!) that try to kill the remaining pledge sisters, along with their nerdy (and horny) frat admirers. Sort of a Revenge of the Nerds with a supernatural twist, Sorority Babes is a harmless bit of self-referential, goofy fun that mostly works, until it runs out of steam, which is, unfortunately, before its brief 80-minutes are up. The movie’s saving graces are Scream Queen trio, Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer, all of whom have enough energy and spunk to make a “Bowling for Dummies” instructional video entertaining. B–
SPHERE(1998) A well-intended, but not totally successful, adaptation of the terrific Michael Crichton novel that’s actually much better than its reputation suggests. A team of scientists and doctors are assembled to explore a buried spacecraft discovered at the bottom of the ocean, inside of which is a large, floating orb that has the power to make your worst fears a reality. While it lacks the complexity and suspense of the book (not to mention a fantastic sequence involving a giant squid), Barry Levinson’s film is smart enough to move at a fast pace and creates an environment of paranoia and tension. The cast is good – Samuel L. Jackson is excellent – but the characters often come off as cold and unsympathetic, especially Sharon Stone’s pill-popping marine biologist. As with Outbreak, Dustin Hoffman makes for a warm and likable hero. First-rate production values and effective use of underwater photography. B
DEATH WARMED UP(1984) An inventive and highly energetic New Zealand splatter flick about a young man named Michael (Michael Hurst), who’s given an experimental mind control serum by fiendish Dr. Howell (Gary Day), which results in Michael killing his own father, Howell’s colleague/nemesis. Seven years later, Michael, along with some friends, travels to a small island for a weekend getaway, but it’s all a ruse so that Michael can exact revenge on Howell, who secretly lords over the island with his army of brainwashed zombie killing machines, plus a couple of Mad Maxish henchmen. A gory bit of fun, this is actually too short, with the viewer wondering what happened to Michael in those seven missing years – and why his hair has turned platinum blond – but the movie moves at such a fast pace you might not care. This gets points for having a male being the protagonist in your typical damsel-in-distress scenario, and for his unnecessarily gratuitous shower scene. B+
GALAXY OF TERROR(1981) A futuristic search-and-rescue team is sent to a distant planet to find a missing spaceship, but instead discovers bloodthirsty creatures with sharp teeth in this Roger Corman quickie. Using the blueprint for Alien, this features a group of space officers – including a smug commander (Zalman King), a tough female captain (Grace Zabriskie), and a scaredy cat novice (Jack Blessing) – who’re systematically splattered down by all manner of tentacled critters, which are the products of a Survival of the Fittest game designed by an advanced alien race, or some such nonsense. What separates cheap junk like Galaxy of Terror from Alien is its inability to get the viewer to give a shit about its Who Cares? characters. The filmmakers understood this and placed all their energy into the gory special FX, many of which are impressive. The downside is when said beasties aren’t on screen the movie is a yawnfest. C–
HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER(1986) The infamous slasher biopic loosely based on real-life serial killer, Henry Lee Lucas, who claimed to have murdered over 100 people – a statement that was later disproven. Months after being released from prison for supposedly killing his mother and her lover, Henry (Michael Rooker), and his slimeball roommate, Otis (Tom Towles), go on a murder spree in order to satisfy their bloodlust. Things get complicated when Otis’s naive sister, Becky (Tracy Arnold), moves in and begins a romance with Henry. Due to a never-ending battle with the MPAA over the movie’s overwhelmingly intense atmosphere of violence, it wasn’t officially released until 1990 (and direct to video). To say Henry is more graphic than William Lustig’s Maniac (which Henry borrows quite liberally from), is a credit to Henry‘s more “serious” tone. The real reason Henry is distressing is because its characters are grounded in reality. Rooker is both scary and convincing in the title role, while Arnold is personable and sympathetic as the ultimate victim. Somewhat overpraised by critics (the same ones who snub slasher movies),the film doesn’t contain any transgressive ideas on serial killers. But, its grim, oppressive approach to the subject is honest, and horrific. B+
HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS(1988) While searching for a woman named Samantha (Linnea Quigley) in the seedy Los Angeles underbelly, private detective Jack (Jay Richardson) stumbles upon a group of murderous sex workers who use chainsaws to slice up their male clientele. When Jack finds Samantha, she informs him she’s infiltrated the group to get revenge on the group’s leader, a chainsaw-worshipping cultist (Gunnar Hansen – get it?) who killed her friend months earlier. Perhaps Z-movie auteur Fred Olen Ray’s (Scalps, The Alien Dead) best looking movie, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is, surprisingly, good. If the title didn’t give it away, HCH is gory, campy horror, but it’s first and foremost a satire on slasher flicks, L.A. culture, and the overt excesses of the ’80s. This isn’t to say the movie is perfect – far from it. It’s at times stiff and amateurishly acted. Yet it’s weirdly charming and often very funny, especially Quigley, who’s comedic timing with Richardson is spot-on. Best credit ever: “Screenplay Drastically Rewritten and Improved Upon by Fred Olen Ray & T.J. Lankford.” B
BEAST (2022) Idris Elba goes mano a mano with a rogue lion in this well-made but by-the-numbers when-animals-attack thriller. After his wife succumbs to cancer, an emotionally distant father (Elba) takes a getaway with his two teen daughters to the wilds of Africa, unaware that an enraged, vengeful lion stalks the grounds looking for the poachers who slaughtered its family. Shades of Cujo hit once Elba and kin are trapped inside their stalled truck, but, unlike that 1983 classic, Beast never utilizes its dire situation to its fullest potential. Instead, the film relies more on Elba’s father-cum-hero subplot. The screenplay is also a bit lazy when it comes to character consistencies: Elba spends a good amount of time being overly cautious about safety in the early scenes, yet later, while seeking shelter in an abandoned building, he leaves the doors wide open for the hungry cat to walk through. A fun concept that should have gone full-tilt gonzo (á la Anaconda) instead of trying to be something else. Sharlto Copley (District 9) is well cast as the movie’s Quint-like animal expert. C
COLOR OF NIGHT (1994) A big-budget slasher whodunit dressed up as a glossy erotic thriller about arrogant New York psychiatrist Bill Capa (Bruce Willis), who, after the suicidal death of a patient, goes to Los Angeles to spend time with Bob Moore (Scott Bakula), a college friend and fellow shrink. After Moore is knifed to death in his office by a hooded killer, Capa must try to figure out who the killer is (while avoiding the assassin’s blade) while simultaneously having lots of sex with a mysterious beauty (Jane March). If you’ve seen one or more of these films you can see the twist coming a mile away. The screenplay – by erotic thriller expert, Matthew Chapman (Consenting Adults) – is littered with too many red herrings and double-crosses, with the plot usually circling back to a lengthy sex scene between Willis and March. That said, Color of Night is often very entertaining, having the ostentatious, sleazy feel of a giallo, and at times attaining a so-bad-it’s-good quality. Willis does a good job at shedding his John McClane persona (as well as his clothes, especially in the unrated director’s cut), while March is cold but sympathetic. The supporting cast, including Brad Dourif, Leslie Ann Warren, Kevin J. O’Conner, and Lance Henriksen, is excellent. Given the right audience, this could become a trashy cult classic. B
THE FIRST POWER(1990) L.A. detective Russell Logan (Lou Diamond Phillips) is haunted by unexplained visions and incidents after the capture and death of the evil Pentagram Killer, Patrick Channing (Jeff Kober). Logan’s old-school, tough guy mind can’t wrap his head around the seemingly bizarre occurrences surrounding the deceased Satanic serial killer, until Tess (Tracy Griffith), a spunky psychic, informs him Channing has become more powerful after death, and is body-jumping to continue his murderous deeds. Although similar in plot to the later, and duller, Denzel Washington vehicle, Fallen, First Power offers up exciting material for the patient viewer. What starts as a typical cop/serial killer cat-and-mouse game turns into a fun, demonic horror/action hybrid. The film’s unfortunate predictability is silver-lined by its energy and some truly impressive stunts and set pieces, including the water- and fire-filled climax. Phillips and Griffith make a very likable pair of supernatural sleuths. B
REDNECK ZOMBIES(1989) Goofy backyard splatter-comedy that looks like it was made by your brother’s high school friends over a long weekend. A barrel of toxic waste is discovered in the woods by some tobacco-chewing, gun-toting, straw hat-wearing country bumpkins and, after it seeps into their moonshine, turns them into flesh-eating zombies. Shot on tape, this ultra-low budget cheapie has some spirit and energy to (almost) carry its lengthy 90 minutes, but, as with most slapstick flicks, for every laugh there’s whole lotta crickets. A funny concept, but one can’t help feel this movie is a joke without a punchline. Terrific make-up FX, though. C
THE INNOCENTS(2021) Moody Norwegian chiller about a quartet of children who discover they not only share a psychic bond but harbor special powers. When sociopathic Ben’s (Sam Ashraf) powers grow stronger, he uses them to hurt those who’ve wronged him, causing a rift in his bond with the others. What sounds like X-Men Meets Village of the Damned is actually a much more complex film. The disquieting, brooding atmosphere keeps the tensions high, and creates a world in which none of the characters feel as if they’re safe. It runs a bit long, but The Innocents is a good and suspenseful little film that goes to dark places most movies wouldn’t dare. B+
NEEDFUL THINGS(1993) Solid Stephen King adaptation about a small Maine town slowly taken over by the demonic presence of its newest resident, Leland Gaunt (Max von Sydow). Leland’s antique store specializes in finding rare items for its costumers — objects for which many are willing to sell their soul, or commit murder, to obtain. A terrific cast (Ed Harris, Bonnie Bedelia, Amanda Plummer, and J.T. Walsh) makes the material work, which is handled in a much more subtle way (by director Fraser C. Heston) than you’d expect from a King book-turned-movie. Sydow wisely downplays his portrayal of the devilish Gaunt, while Walsh, as the bullying, embezzling Danforth “Buster” Keeton, is wonderfully scene-chewing. Good fun, but I can’t help wonder how more effective it all could have been had the screenplay (by W.D. Richter) attained even half of the book’s darker tone. B
THE TOXIC AVENGER(1984) The town of Tromaville has a new hero in the form of a mutated monster who quickly lays waste to the many pimps, murderers, and general douchebags that populate the city. Known as the Toxic Avenger, he’s actually mild-mannered Melvin, a bullied doofus who goes swimming in a vat of toxic waste (the result of a prank gone awry) and is turned into a muscle-bound hero who helps old ladies cross the street — when he’s not bashing in the heads of criminals. Perhaps the ultimate “bad taste” movie (this makes John Waters’s early films look like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm), this gets points for its no-holds-barred shock value; children, dogs, and the elderly are all targets of the gory shenanigans of Tromaville. But it’s all done in satirical fun. Best scene: Toxic using industrial kitchen implements (including a milk shake mixer) to kill a group of splatterpunk rapists. Definitely not a movie for the Sensitivity Police. B+
TOXIC ZOMBIES(1980) A group of murderous pot farmers are secretly given a biological herbicide by the government and are turned into bloodthirsty zombie/cannibals in this ultra low-grade Dawn of the Dead clone, shot in and around Pittsburgh. The majority of the movie features characters being chased and chowed down on by the zombies, until a sufficient group of campers manage to escape and hold up inside a dilapidated house, Night of the Living Dead-style. There’s some shoestring charm to this backwoods gorefest, but it only goes so far before the paper-thin plot, like its cast, gets consumed. George Romero regular, John Amplas, has a small role as a corrupt FBI agent who gets his throat torn out. A low-fi howler, this was director Charles McCrann’s only movie; he ultimately died in the 9/11 attacks. C
BLOOD SALVAGE (1990) A stupid slasher variant about a vacationing family abducted by a religious fanatic hillbilly (Danny Nelson), who likes to perform diabolical medical experiments on his victims. The movie wants to be a parody (I think), but its tone is all over the place, with an uneven mix of gory horror and slapstick comedy that never gels. The screenplay also relies too heavily on its annoying, over-the-top characters to carry the movie, resulting in endless scenes of terrible, hammy acting. Even John Saxon, playing the father of a wheelchair-bound teen (Lori Birdsong) next on Nelson’s operating table, can’t save this. A chore to sit through. D
EATEN ALIVE (1976) Tobe Hooper followed-up Texas Chainsaw Massacre with this entertaining but disjointed shocker about a mentally disturbed man (Neville Brand) who kills and feeds to his pet alligator anyone who upsets him – which is everyone – at his dilapidated backwoods hotel. Shades of Norman Bates are obvious, but Brand’s performance is too hysterical at times, and the tone of the screenplay switches gears once too often. But, Hooper does throw in enough thrills and surprises (including a young Robert Englund’s encounter with the hungry gator) to keep the movie moving at a good pace, resulting in a demented, nasty little oddity. B–
THE OTHER(1972) Well-made adaptation of the best-selling book by Thomas Tryon (who also wrote the screenplay) about a series of deaths that surround a small family and its twin boys, Niles (Chris Udvarnoky) and Holland (Martin Udvarnoky). When mild-mannered Niles begins to astral project himself into the minds of others, this sets off a chain of incidents relating back to the psychopathic Holland. Although Robert Mulligan’s direction is at times stoic, this is a good film with excellent performances by the Udvarnoky brothers, and especially Uta Hagen as the matriarch of the family. The sinister, downbeat ending is a plus. Look for John Ritter in a small role. B
THE PHOENIX INCIDENT(2015) A group of friends encounter alien beasties in this meandering found footage story of the Phoenix Lights phenomenon from 1997. A 30-minute concept is stretched to 90 minutes, with a lot of screen time used on boring interviews with government officers involved in a worldwide conspiracy. There’s also a subplot about a sociopathic cult member (Michael Adamwaithe), but by that point I was looking at my watch. Technically well-made, but one can’t help wish this had been trimmed of its fat and released as a short film. The Phoenix Lights has created a tiny cottage industry: so far, this is the first of two found footage movies based on the supposedly real occurrence. C–
CITADEL (2012) Months after his wife was fatally attacked by a group of mysterious children, Tommy (Aneurin Barnard) realizes the same kids have come back to terrorize him and his daughter. While his mental health deteriorates, Tommy receives help from a disgraced priest (James Cosmo) who informs him the children are inhuman creatures that feed off fear. As with director Ciarán Foy’s other films (Eli, Sinister 2), Citadel is a good concept not fully realized. Yet, for most of the short 84-minute runtime the film works quite well, with Foy building a genuinely suspenseful and claustrophobic environment for Tommy to grapple with – not to mention some creepy, Cronenberg-esque kids. A lackluster conclusion slightly stains the overall impact the rest of the movie has, with one wondering what a few more rewrites of the screenplay might have achieved. B–
PHANTOMS (1998) A small Colorado town is overtaken by a mysterious, shapeshifting black ooze (not unlike The X-Files) emanating from below the ground in this entertaining but slight adaptation of the popular Dean Koontz book. When the town’s new doctor (Joanna Going) and her sister (Rose McGowan) arrive to discover most of the inhabitants dead or missing, they, along with the sheriff (Ben Affleck), try to figure out how to escape alive, and possibly save the rest of humanity. A good first half that builds intriguing mystery is muted with the introduction of too many uninteresting characters and a lengthy sequence inside a military vehicle where said characters sit around and hypothesize the creature’s origins. The special FX are good and the action robust, just don’t expect too much meat on these bones. C+
THE POSSESSION OF JOEL DELANEY (1972) Wealthy New York socialite Norah (Shirley MacLaine) becomes suspicious of brother, Joel’s (Perry King), change in behavior when he starts acting aggressive and speaking in a language he doesn’t know. When Joel’s girlfriend is found murdered, Norah believes the spirit of Joel’s deceased Puerto Rican friend (and serial killer) has invaded her brother’s body. An intriguing and suspenseful film that plays out more like a mystery than your typical possession movie, although it has its share of shocking moments. MacLaine is excellent and the mood bleak. The screenplay falls apart during the last several, hectic minutes, but the downbeat ending rings true. B
STRANGE INVADERS (1983) A love letter to ’50s sci-fi flicks, this has college professor, Dr. Bigelow (Paul LeMat), looking for his ex-wife (Diana Scarwid) in a small town and inadvertently stumbling onto a secret alien takeover that’s been going on for 25 years. With the help of a tabloid newspaper writer (Nancy Allen), Bigelow tries to uncover the alien plot, only to end up getting his daughter kidnapped and the government involved. Sort of a companion piece to director Michael Laughlin’s Strange Behavior, Invaders is both odd and charming, utilizing its kitschy premise by playing up the nostalgic vibe of movies like Invaders from Mars and Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and downplaying the seriousness of those films at the same time. Allen and Fiona Lewis (in a small role) are both delightful, but LeMat is wooden and unsympathetic. It’s not perfect, but there’s a lot to like here, and given the small budget, the practical FX are terrific. B
THE HAUNTING OF JULIA (1977) This moody ghost tale stars the always good Mia Farrow as a woman who, months after the death of her young daughter, moves into a house off London’s Holland Park to try and put her life back together. She soon suspects the house may be haunted by the spirit of a murdered child, and investigates the place’s dark past. Adapted from Peter Straub’s novel, Haunting of Julia is an effective, character-driven supernatural chiller. Hardcore horror buffs might be put off by the film’s slow pace and deliberately ambiguous tone, but the patient viewer will by rewarded with a creepy, dark story, and a truly unsettling ending. B+
ORPHAN: FIRST KILL (2022) A surprisingly good prequel to the 2009 cult favorite that delivers a sort-of-origin story of psychopath Leena (Isabelle Fuhrman), a.k.a. Esther. After killing several people and escaping a secured institution in Estonia, 31-year-old Leena disguises herself as Esther, the missing child of a wealthy American family. Once in America, Esther tries, and mostly fails, to assimilate into her new home. When her spoiled “brother” (Matthew Finlan) becomes suspicious of her bizarre mannerisms, Esther quickly unravels. Things get worse when a nosy investigator (Hiro Kanagawa), hired by the family four years earlier, looks into Esther’s alleged reappearance. What starts off as more or less a repeat of the first movie roars to life when a midpoint twist turns the tables on not only the viewers but Esther; once seen as the villain, Esther/Leena suddenly becomes an antihero, and one worth rooting for. Only a somewhat lackluster ending gets in the way of a super-fun flick. B
SINISTER 2 (2015) An uneven sequel to Scott Derrickson’s terrific original features the now-ex Deputy (James Ransone) from Part 1 doing some DIY investigations into murders and child disappearances which mirror the events of the first film. Connecting these events to a massacre that took place at a remote farmhouse introduces him to its new owner, Courtney (Shannyn Sossmon), and her two young sons (real life brothers Robert Daniel Sloan and Dartanian Sloan). Unknown to the adults, the youngest of the boys is being tormented not just by his abusive father, but by the spirits of the kids who serve the demon, Bughuul. It’s interesting to see the action unfold this time through the viewpoint of the children, but the violent, disturbing atmosphere of the original is replaced here with a more conventional ghost story narrative that, at times, feels stale. Considering the horror happening to him, Robert Sloan’s Dylan is too emotionless and nonchalant to register much sympathy for, while Lea Coco, as Dylan’s father, is so hammy and over the top he comes off as cartoonish. C
THE COLLINGSWOOD STORY (2002)The first of the webcam horror films that emerged in the wake of The Blair Witch Project, this simplistic film has a college student (Stephanie Dees) moving away from home and using webcams to communicate with her boyfriend (Johnny Burton). Unbeknownst to them, her new house was once the site of a mass murder associated with a satanic cult, bringing upon her a series of supernatural occurrences. It’s obvious the subgenre hadn’t yet found its footing, as this is much talkier and humorless than similar movies of its kind. The film has a genuinely unsettling atmosphere, but its slow pace and heavy reliance on exposition to build suspense hurts the impact the story could have had with a tighter, more focused screenplay. C+
THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983) An enjoyable, low, low budget romp in the tradition of The Evil Dead, this pits a houseful of people against a multi-headed alien beastie with sharp teeth and a large appetite for human flesh. When the house’s monster-loving kid (Charles George Hilderbandt) becomes wise to the creature’s heightened sense of hearing, he uses it to his advantage to try and save his family from becoming next on the alien’s dinner plate. A fast pace and genuine excitement help lift this above its obvious budgetary restraints and somewhat dull characters. The OTT gore FX also add some spice to the paper-thin story, all leading up to a wonderful twist ending that would give Little Shop of Horrors a run for its money. B
SHE WILL (2022) Yet another “intellectual” non-horror “horror” movie that seems to have been made just for the pretentious film festival circuit. After aging movie star, Veronica Ghent (Alice Krige), undergoes a double mastectomy, she travels to a woodsy retreat to convalesce, only to find out the place was once the site of mass witch burnings. When Veronica begins seeing visions of said witches, she undergoes a physical and mental transformation, and uses her newfound powers to enact revenge against her male oppressors. Both obvious in its metaphors and mundane in its execution, She Will is a dumb movie that thinks it’s smart; the script never allows its characters to feel authentic or, most importantly, sympathetic. We’re automatically expected to side with Ghent because of a hinted past traumatic event that turned her into the chilly character presented in the film, but the movie itself is too cold and disjointed to allow the audience to make up its own mind. If you’re the type who likes to watch stock footage of snails having sex, this is the movie for you. D
HIDDEN (2016) In the aftermath of a devastating viral outbreak that has created “Breathers,” a father (Alexander Skarsgård), mother (Andrea Risenborough), and their 9-year-old daughter (Emily Alyn Lind) try to survive in an underground bomb shelter. When the “Breathers” discover their hiding place, the family must give up their new comforts and fight to the death. Despite its dense atmosphere, the film fails to muster any suspense. The characters are too dimwitted to be sympathetic, and certain situations feel so fake and forced that any sense of reality and tension is thrown out the window. The screenplay (written by Stranger Things‘s Matt and Ross Duffer) wastes the first 30 minutes repeatedly reminding its audience of the rules the protagonists need to follow in order to evade the “Breathers,” yet said rules are ignored whenever it’s convenient to the plot. A lifeless, predictable doomsday tale that feels like the diet soda version of The Road. D
THE NEW KIDS (1985) After their military parents are killed in a car crash, teen siblings Loren (Shannon Presby) and Abby (Lori Loughlin) move to Florida and are immediately beset by a gang of psychopathic bullies. After Abby repeatedly ignores the romantic advances of the pack’s leader (James Spader), he and his friends decide to make her and her brother’s life hell, that is until Abby and Loren fight back. Friday the 13th‘s Sean S. Cunningham directs this slick thriller that works, mostly, thanks to a good cast and some genuine suspense. It gets a bit too melodramatic here and there, but at just 89 minutes it gets by on pure 80’s charm. B
THE REEF: STALKED (2022) An in-name only sequel to the terrific 2010 original, Stalked follows four friends who are terrorized by a large shark while kayaking off the coast of Australia. Director Andrew Traucki does a good job of building suspense, especially during the first hour, with an emphasis on less is more. The film loses momentum thanks to transparent characters and an uninteresting backstory that keeps resurfacing and getting in the way of the main attraction. Add to that a rather lackluster climax and you have an enjoyable but forgettable shark chiller. C+
We start off in the near future (very near, considering the film’s 2001 release date). The chronologically previous movie, Freddy vs. Jason, would have taken place around 2008. That one left Jason “dead” (again) in the waters of Crystal Lake. But now we find him shackled and under guard at the Crystal Lake Research Facility. They built a whole place just for our boy. There, scientists are studying Jason’s ability to regenerate, but he’s too much of a loose cannon. So the plan is to put him into cryogenic suspension — freeze him — and make him someone else’s future problem.
But Jason is in a mood about being locked up, so he escapes and runs amok. After killing some folks, he accidentally breaches the cryo-unit, putting himself — and Rowan LaFontaine, the facility’s project leader — on ice for awhile. A very long while.
Chopsicle!
Flash-forward to the year 2455. Jason and Rowan have been popsicles for 455 years. Earth (a.k.a. Earth Prime, ™ DC Comics) is an uninhabitable wasteland, a dead planet. A team of young scientists — archeology students on a field trip — discover the frozen pair and take them back to their spaceship. Rowan is revived, but Jason is assumed dead. That’s a big mistake, especially since Future People know all about Jason Voorhees who “killed nearly 200 people and disappeared without a trace” in the distant past.
“I’ve been asleep for 455 WHAT?!”
As expected, Jason thaws out and starts attacking everyone in sight. The scientists don’t stand a chance. The students are helpless. Even a squad of soldiers (swiped directly from James Cameron’s Aliens) get wasted by a very cranky Mr. Voorhees. The team’s original plan was to reconnect with the space station Solaris before moving on to Earth Two (also ™ DC Comics), but that goes haywire when Jason causes the whole station to explode, leaving our remaining characters trying to survive long enough to escape their failing ship.
Luckily, a female android named Kay-Em (also swiped directly from James Cameron’s Aliens) is upgraded to super-tough Terminator mode (swiped directly from James Cameron’s Terminator). Kay-Em manages to dismember and semi-decapitate Jason, but the big lug falls onto the med-labs healing unit. Oops.
Not at all inspired by Terminator.
Nanites swarm all over his bits and pieces, fixing what’s left of him and…improvising the rest. The result is Über-Jason, an unstoppable cyborg behemoth — vastly improved, but still uglier than a baboon’s butt. Chaos ensues: a countdown to the ship’s destruction, a hole in the hull, a space walk. All of of these sci-fi movie tropes survive into 2455, so we can rest easy, knowing they’re safe.
Makeover Madness
This time, Jason seems to be permanently defeated — blasted into space and burning up on reentry in Earth Two’s orbit. It’s really over. I mean, sure, a couple of teens necking in the woods of Earth Two see a shooting star, and Jason’s broken mask splashes down in a lake. But this is the last sequel before the reboot, right? And the reboot is its own separate universe, isn’t it?
(It’s not and it isn’t. The “reboot” is in-continuity as an actual SEQUEL to Jason X. Really. I mean it!)
I know I’m supposed to hate this movie. But I don’t. It’s goofy and the CGI is shaky, but for some reason, I’m on board with these one-off “experimental” Friday the 13th movies. Telekinetic girl? Cool. Body-jumping? Alrighty. Jason in space?? Gimme!
Cold-blooded kill
Yes, it’s incredibly derivative and feels like a syndicated sci-fi show from the mid-1990s. Camp, intentional or not, abounds. The acting is hokey. But it has an abundance of post-Scream, self-referential charm and a pretty quick pace. Kane Hodder takes his final turn as Jason here, and still pulls off an effective performance despite the rather clunky Über-Jason suit. This entry gets a lot of flack — like Goes to Hell — for going off-book, but ultimately, it’s refreshing and fun, so it totally has my support.
Other things worth noting…
Somewhere between Freddy vs. Jason and now, Jason found himself a new mask. This one has the red stripes — and even the Part 3 crack — but the nose is more pointed. I guess he found his look and he’s sticking with it.
He just wants Spock’s autograph. That’s all.
The head doctor at the Crystal Lake Research Facility is played by director David Cronenberg, who REQUESTED to be in this movie. Except for The Fly, I’m generally not a fan of his, but this scores him some nerd points. He also directed an episode of Friday the 13th: The Series (season one’s “The Faith Healer”).
Rowan says that the “first time they executed” Jason was in 2008. This totally syncs up with my timeline, which places Jason Goes to Hell in that year and leads into FvJ. At the start of Goes to Hell, Jason is killed by federal agents. To me, that qualifies as an execution. It’s all accidental, I’m sure — I don’t think anyone involved in these movies gave continuity a minute’s thought — but my timeline turned out to be solid. I’ll put it on my resume!
Not a porn parody.
Favorite moment: Jason’s holodeck visit to 1980 Crystal Lake is comedy gold.
The So-Called Reboot
This is it. The twelfth and final (for now) Friday the 13th movie. This is the one that everyone calls a “remake” or a “reboot.” I call it a sequel — a sequel set decades after Jason X. But I’ll get to that soon.
We start in flashback. It’s June 13th, 1980 (which was indeed a Friday). A “Camp Counselor” (that’s what she’s called in the credits, so she’s NOT officially Alice) is in mid-confrontation with a recast Mrs. Voorhees. Little Jason watches from the woods as his mom is decapitated. After Not-Alice leaves, he sneaks out, steals Mom’s machete, her locket, and her head. It’s nice to have keepsakes. “Kill for mother,” says Mrs. Voorhees in Little Jason’s screwy mind, and he scampers on his merry, deformed way.
Then we have a classic Friday time-jump to Crystal Lake, 2009. It’s present day (the movie was released in February of that year). A small group of college kids are hiking through the woods for a night of camping — although two of them are more interested in a massive weed-crop nearby.
A split decision
Having entered Jason’s territory, the kids get what they get — which, to be clear, is viciously murdered. Or so it seems… The best thing about this pre-title sequence is that, at 25 minutes long, it feels like a short film; a mini-Friday the 13th movie before the main feature. And get this — it’s Sack-Head Jason! My favorite! There’s some excitement, some drama, boobies for those who like them, a few gruesome kills, and then…
Nice try, but that yokel can’t read.
Time-jump! But it’s a small one of just six months to where the real story starts. Sam from Supernatural has come to Crystal Lake in search of his sister Whitney, who was one of those aforementioned college kids. He meets some locals and an entirely new batch of victims. Most of those victims, though, are very, very annoying. The only exceptions are Killer Frost from The Flash, who seems nice and sympathetic, and her boyfriend Trent, who is the King of Assholes. Trent will be important later, so remember him.
Trent is the worst.
All these dumb characters, along with Killer Frost from The Flash, are staying at Asshole Trent’s summer cabin, smack in the middle of the woods. For Jason, it’s his version of Fresh Direct. One by one, Jason meets and greets these dunces. Not a single one of them is a loss. Not since Part V has there been such a crappy crew of corpses. The worst are the “comic relief” characters. We get two of those, along with their relentless series of beer, pot, and masturbation jokes. You will cheer when they die.
One otherwise forgettable kill results in Jason finding his most important prop, and he upgrades from a potato sack to his iconic hockey mask. He looks at himself in the mirror afterward, trying to decide if he’s cute. (He isn’t.)
“See the pretty girl in that mirror there…”
Anyway, surprise! Jason didn’t kill Whitney, the sister of Sam from Supernatural. He’s got her chained up in his underground lair like he’s Buffalo Bill. Remember that locket Jason stole from his mother’s corpse? It contains two photos, one of Baby Jason, and one of Mom — and Whitney is the spittin’ image of young Mrs. Voorhees. (This is because the actress playing Whitney posed for that photograph. No flies on me.) Now, amidst all the slaughter, Sam from Supernatural and Killer Frost from The Flash have to go rescue Whitney. But Jason has built an entire network of underground tunnels beneath Camp Crystal Lake — because that’s what you do when you don’t have cable or a PS4. A subterranean melee ensues, with running and screaming and stabbing and death, as they try to free this dumb girl (who looks a lot like the original Pink Ranger) from captivity.
It’s screamin’ time!
In the end, Jason is defeated (or “defeated”), which is what usually happens. But while there’s a hint of more to come, outside of fan films, there hasn’t been a new Friday the 13th movie in over a decade. All sorts of court battles have prevented a thirteenth entry from getting off the ground. That’s unfortunate (because I want more) but maybe also a blessing (because I don’t trust them not to screw things up). Guess we’ll see what happens.
There was a run of these horror remakes/reboots around this time, and tonally, this sits comfortably alongside some of the better ones, like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (also directed by Marcus Nispel) or The Hills Have Eyes. Apart from a couple of aggressively irritating comic relief characters, the entire tone is deadly serious, if not flat-out grim. There are no little winks here, and although references to previous entries are sprinkled throughout. Jason is taken seriously, which results in a pretty gritty viewing experience. It’s well-shot, energetic, occasionally suspenseful, and some sometimes thrilling — and it doesn’t feel cheap.
Jason is rightfully annoyed by the comic relief characters.
This new Jason (Derek Mears) is no Kane Hodder, but he feels imposing and dangerous, while still human — and he’s fast! I like him.
The extended “Killer Cut,” which is my go-to, runs about ten minutes longer than the theatrical version, and despite some pointless conversational padding, it features a somewhat exciting escape sequence, slightly more vicious kills, and maybe a pinch more sex than the movie really needs. At 1 hour and 45 minutes, this cut is longest movie in the series. Jason Takes Manhattan comes in second, at 1 hour and 40 minutes, because it only exists to punish us.
“EEEEEK!!” screams Trent.
Anyway, this “update” was supposed to be a fresh start. A reboot leading to more films…
Except it isn’t a reboot. I’ll explain.
A major plot point in Jason X was that Earth is dead, and what’s left of humanity has relocated to Earth Two. At the end of that film, we only see a tiny bit of it: a patch of woods and a lake, plus a couple of teens. My theory is that this movie takes place on that planet: Jason X’s Earth Two. It doesn’t LOOK like the future, nobody ACTS like it’s the future, but the way I see it, just getting everyone to this new planet was a drain on scientific and financial resources. Essentially, in order to survive, the people of 2455 had to become “pioneers,” in a way, roughing it out in a new frontier. For them, that didn’t mean living in log cabins or riding horses. They “roughed it” by abandoning their expensive tech for an early 21st Century lifestyle. They use simple technology (cars and cell phones) and live in average, no-tech homes. By the time this movie takes place, it’s a generation or two — or even three — after the relocation. For the kids in this movie, who only grew up knowing this “21st Century” environment, this is normal life for them (which is why the space stuff is never addressed).
Then we get to Jason. At the end of Jason X, he essentially became a shooting star, burning up as he fell from orbit. I think he DID die, as he’s died before. But the Powers That Be…the forces of Hell…whatever you want to call the supernatural powers that guided him (and resurrected him) all those times…they deemed that the universe MUST have a Jason. Hell’s agent of death must walk the Earth. So to achieve that, Pamela Voorhees was born (again), had a child who “drowned” (again), and she sought revenge (again). And that’s how Jason — this reborn Jason, infused with a killer instinct from his previous existence — came to be. (This also syncs with why the camp counselor who kills Mrs. Voorhees this time isn’t Alice. Alice doesn’t matter in the bigger equation.)
Fake Mrs. Voorhees, pre-decapitation
It’s out there, I know. It’s a reach, I KNOW. But there’s also this…
Remember Asshole Trent? (I told you to remember him.) He spends every moment in this movie being an absolutely relentless dick. Asshole Trent is played by actor Travis Van Winkle. Travis Van Winkle also played an asshole named Trent in the first Transformers movie. Both Transformers and this Friday the 13th were Micheal Bay productions, hence the connection. With that in mind…are the two Trents the SAME Trent? If so, this Friday takes place in a world where advanced technology, alien robots, and all kinds of sci-fi shit actually exists. It’s entirely possible that Transformers took place on Earth Two, a generation or two after the relocation from Earth Prime. Now, a couple of years after the Autobots fought the Decepticons, we pick up on (and — spoiler alert — end) Asshole Trent’s story.
Trent was inflicted upon us in two films.
Okay, okay, I’m not sure even I buy my own patch for this. But the idea of a Friday reboot rather than a sequel really bugs me, and when I saw a way to “fix” it, I wasn’t gonna let it slide. And it does track. Sort of. So yep, this is the 11th sequel. You’re welcome.
He’ll be back again someday…
That’s a wrap on these lengthy Friday the 13th reviews. If you’ve read them all, or if you’ve only read one or two, thanks for checking them out. Maybe I’ll tackle another franchise someday. I’ve been itching for a Resident Evil rewatch lately…
