Horror Express – 1972, Spain/UK, 86m. Director: Eugenio Martin.
The House on Straw Hill – 1976, UK, 84m. Director: James Kenelm Clarke.
Mansion of the Doomed – 1976, US, 88m. Director: Michael Pataki.
Out of the Dark – 1988, US, 90m. Director: Michael Schroeder.
HORROR EXPRESS (1972) The unearthing of a prehistoric relic—in the form of a Cro-Magnon man—at the turn of the 20th century spells doom for its discoverer (Christopher Lee) and the passengers on board a train when the fossil is transported through Russian territory. Unbeknownst to all involved, the body harbors some sort of parasitic alien life form that’s able to boil its victims brains in their skulls and take over the mind of others, thereby hiding among the travelers without their knowledge. In the process of finding out who is committing the murders, Lee and fellow scientist Peter Cushing—whadda team!—sample a victim’s blood and, through a microscope, see images of Earth from space. The idea that the creature’s blood holds photographic memories of its million-year lifespan is preposterous even by 1970s genre standards. Horror Express has the appearance of a high-class production but it’s nothing more than a lowbrow rip-off of John W. Campbell’s novella Who Goes There? made earlier (and better) as The Thing From Another World (1951). A quick pace and good cast help to capture the viewer’s attention even when the movie descends into utter nonsense—which is quite often. Recommended only for hardcore Lee/Cushing completists. C (Currently streaming on Plex and Tubi.)
THE HOUSE ON STRAW HILL (1976) (AKA: Exposé; Trauma) To finish his new book, pompous writer Udo Kier moves into a house in the British countryside (the house on Straw Hill, I presume) in order to escape his lecherous ex-girlfriend. He instead finds a new source of lechery in the form of secretary Linda Hayden (Taste the Blood of Dracula), who moves into the cottage with Kier and partakes in secretarial work, such as typing, masturbating, and joining Kier in the sack for some midday screwing—she seems particularly skilled at the latter. The ex (Fiona Richmond) eventually returns and, wouldn’t you know it, becomes the subject of a graphic lesbian sex scene. The sexcapades escalate to murder as Hayden performs a revenge-fueled knifing on Richmond before she and Kier have a fight-to-the-death showdown. The truth surfaces as the viewer discovers—through Hayden’s sanguinary activities—that Kier’s first novel was actually written by Hayden’s husband, who later committed suicide after Kier stole the manuscript, turning it into a best-seller. It’s a shame The House on Straw Hill never turns into a good movie; the final product ends up being nothing more than a shallow exercise in softcore pornography. Hayden never becomes a believable character, while Kier gives a wooden performance, made worse by awkward dubbing—despite the fact Kier is speaking English, his voice has been replaced by an American actor’s. Best to stay away from Straw Hill altogether. D (Currently streaming on Tubi.)
MANSION OF THE DOOMED (1976) In what’s essentially a loose remake of George Franju’s Eyes Without a Face, surgeon Richard Basehart goes to murderous lengths to restore his daughter’s eyesight. After Basehart causes his beautiful daughter (Trish Stewart) to go blind in a car accident, he becomes obsessed in discovering a way to perform a live eye transplant, which all of his colleagues insist can’t be done. Experimentation soon becomes the order of the day for the loony Doc who—along with the help of his assistant (Gloria Grahame)—kidnaps and performs hideous eye transplants on an assortment of victims, including Stewart’s fiancé (Lance Henriksen). Once eyeless, the “patients” are kept locked in the cellar of Basehart’s Beverly Hills mansion, where they grow into an angry mob, hungry for revenge. Mansion of the Doomed is entertaining in spite of itself, but looses momentum in the third act when the plot is swallowed in unbelievable conveniences and an unnecessary subplot involving a detective (Alice‘s Vic Tayback) wasting the viewer’s time by trying to solve the mystery. The story crescendos in the final ten minutes when the sightless horde escapes and gives Basehart a taste of his own medicine. C+ (Currently available on Plex and Tubi.)
OUT OF THE DARK (1988) The phone sex business is a hard trade, in more ways than one. The women of Suite Nothings not only have to keep their clients on the line as long as possible to make their quota, but also have to dodge the knife of a psychopathic killer in a clown mask. Apparently, these “phone fantasy girls” are so popular within their L.A. community that the boyfriend (Cameron Dye) of one of the women is assigned by a prestigious magazine to snap some pics for a cover story. Dye naturally becomes the prime suspect when photos of the first murder victim are discovered in his studio—but the actual maniac is most likely a) the leering four-eyed creep who works down the hall, b) a sleazy photographer who secretly takes pictures of women undressing through their windows, or c) Dye, the boyfriend of one of the phone sex… Oops! A nonfunctional brew of neo-noir crime elements intermixed with slasher movie cliches, Out of the Dark has a good cast trying their best within the context of the intermittently silly screenplay—and, what a cast! Karen Black! Burt Cort! Tab Hunter! Geoffrey Lewis! Paul Bartel! Divine! It’s too bad none of them can save this unabashedly awful movie from itself. D (Currently streaming on Tubi.)