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Captain Kronos, Grave Secrets, HauntedWeen

Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter – 1974, US, 91m. Director: Brian Clemens.

Grave Secrets – 1989, US, 89m. Director: Donald P. Borchers.

HauntedWeen – 1991, US, 87m. Director: Doug Robertson.

Witchcraft – 1988, US, 92m. Director: Rob Spera.

CAPTAIN KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER (1974) A small 19th century village is plagued by a series of bizarre incidents in which youthful women are turned into wrinkled old crones. Fearing the worst, the town’s doctor (John Carson) calls upon his former army friend and all-around vampire killer, Kronos (Horst Janson), who arrives with his hunchback assistant (John Cater) and the beautiful damsel-in-distress (Caroline Munro) he rescued from a pillory. One of Hammer Studio’s most lavish and ambitious productions, Captain Kronos is also wildly uneven—unsuccessfully mixing traditional vampire horror with swordplay melodrama, the film ultimately becomes a showcase for a lack of inventiveness and energy found in earlier (and better) Hammer movies. In fact, Captain Kronos‘s failure at the box office was the final straw for Hammer and the studio went bankrupt shortly after its release, ultimately canceling any further adventures for Kronos and his gang. C (Currently not streaming.)

GRAVE SECRETS (1989) Bed-and-breakfast owner, Iris (Renée Soutendijk), seeks the help of parapsychologist, David (Paul Le Mat), claiming her not-exactly-thriving country business is haunted. Thinking Iris is just looking for attention to bolster her clientele, David soon changes his mind when he witnesses levitating objects and hears phantom footsteps inside the house. Eventually, Iris’s mysterious past surfaces and sheds light on the supernatural manifestation, which might have something to do with the beheading of a man months earlier. A subtle approach to the material by the filmmakers is a welcome change of pace, but the screenplay is scattershot and raises more questions than answers, including why a subplot involving a local bumpkin’s (Lee Ving) obsession with Iris is at all relevant—the writers eventually drop it. The film’s lone scare comes during the last few minutes, but it turns out to be just a dream. It might work for De Palma, but in Grave Secrets it’s just another nail in the coffin. C (Currently not streaming.)

HAUNTEDWEEN (1991) In 1970, a young girl is killed inside a Halloween attraction by a mentally unstable kid named Eddie. Twenty years later, a frat brother (Brien Blakely) and his drunken cohorts try to raise money for their cash poor fraternity by recreating the haunted house attraction at the same location as the infamous murder—not realizing Eddie (Ethan Adler) has returned to the scene of the crime to pick up where he left off. Customers pool in to see the place’s dollar store aesthetic until Eddie kidnaps a few teens to his appropriately titled “Kill Room,” where patrons are witness to a victim having her throat cut with a chainsaw in a scene that gives new meaning to low budget filmmaking. A few minutes later, a jock has his head lopped off with a baseball bat, after which the crowd chants “home run” when the head bounces off the wall. One of Blakely’s friends sears Eddie’s face with a flamethrower, but not before the madman escapes into the night—along with the depressing thought that the makers of this trite slasher were hoping for a HauntedWeen 2. Luckily audiences were spared that unnecessary idea. Filmed in Bowling Green, Kentucky. C– (Currently available on Tubi.)

WITCHCRAFT (1988) After experiencing an arduous childbirth, Grace (Anat Topol) and her baby are sent to live with her husband John’s (Gary Sloan) mother, Elizabeth (Mary Shelley). The first night in the mansion, Grace has a dream involving people in black robes feasting on the innards of a dead dog. Elizabeth walks around the place looking like Mrs. Danvers from Rebecca (1940) and showing off the baby to her weirdo friends. The gaunt butler stands around looking sinister and tells Grace to stay out of the old wing of the house and dropping one of the biggest foreshadowing clues of all time. Grace’s relative, a priest, comes to visit and is immediately struck sick with visions of fire and brimstone. Before you can say Rosemary’s Baby, Grace uncovers a plot against her and her newborn designed by both Elizabeth and John—who are actually a pair of married Devil worshippers, murdered centuries ago by Puritans, and who have returned to sacrifice the baby for the Dark Lord. The screenplay never explains why the witches come back in present day Los Angeles—what exactly were they doing for all those decades?—or why Grace is chosen as its mother. But the film is directed and acted with enough confidence to make this lukewarm venture a watchable bit of 80s nostalgic malarkey. Whether you can sit through the subsequent thirteen sequels is up to you. C (Currently available on YouTube.)

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TV Films—Crowhaven Farm, The Initiation of Sarah, The Spell 📺

Crowhaven Farm – 1970, US, 73m. Director: Walter Grauman.

The Initiation of Sarah – 1978, US, 97m. Director: Robert Day.

The Spell – 1977, US, 86m. Director: Lee Philips.

The Stranger Within – 1974, US, 74m. Director: Lee Philips.

CROWHAVEN FARM (1970) A piece of dried up farmland is bequeathed to a city slicker who’s subsequently immolated in a car crash. The place is then handed down to next of kin Hope Lange who, once moved into the isolated house with her husband (Paul Burke), becomes psychically linked to its grim past of witchcraft and Devil worship. Desperate to have a child, Lang and Burke adopt an ominous little girl (Cindy Eilbacher) who salaciously crawls into bed with daddy Burke when Lang is out of town. Turns out Eilbacher and the rest of town are the reincarnation of 17th century devil-worshippers and want Lang’s soul as payment for her ancestor’s sins. A silly but very accessible television movie taken from the Rosemary’s Baby page of supernatural Satanic horror. B– (Currently not streaming.)

THE INITIATION OF SARAH (1978) College life is difficult for Sarah (Kay Lenz), an insecure freshman whose bubbly, buxom stepsister, Patty (Morgan Brittany), doesn’t have problems fitting into campus life. In order to offset the societal hierarchy, beautiful Patty is accepted into prestigious Alpha Nu Sigma, while dowdy Sarah moves into the detested Phi Epsilon Delta. Sarah slowly immerses into her new life while honing her telekinetic powers. Much like Carrie White from the Stephen King story, Sarah unconsciously—and sometimes consciously—uses her powers against her oppressors, including bigwig sorority bitch Morgan Fairchild. Those expecting a violent FX-filled showdown in the vein of Carrie‘s prom night climax might be disappointed in the movie’s subtler approach, although there is a fiery ending involving a sacrificial altar. The Initiation of Sarah‘s made-for-television aspects stop the story from becoming too exploitative, and relies on good acting and a suspenseful last third to pull the viewer in, which the film does quite well. B (Currently not streaming.)

THE SPELL (1977) Burdened with school bullies and a doltish family, Rita (Susan Myers) is an overweight fifteen-year-old at her wits end. Desperate for a resolution to her torment, Rita breaks open her psychic mind powers and begins serving the much needed justice only black magic can conjure. The first to feel Rita’s wrath is her asshole father (James Olson), who’s almost mowed down by a speeding car. A friend of the family spontaneously overheats like a hard-boiled egg and dies. Rita’s younger sister (Helen Hunt) almost drowns during a swim meet. Mom Lee Grant seeks help from a parapsychologist and tries to put a stop to Rita’s spell work, but by that point the viewer is more likely to give Rita a blue ribbon for the disposing of such despicable characters. Unlike Carrie, which this movie is ripping off, The Spell isn’t told through the viewpoint of Rita but of her mother, thereby eliminating a lot of the impact of Rita’s revenge tactics. Would Carrie White’s blood-soaked finale be as satisfying if the entire film was seen through her mother’s eyes? C (Currently streaming on Prime.)

THE STRANGER WITHIN (1974) In this Richard Matheson-scripted telefilm, which borrows elements from Rosemary’s Baby, The Exorcist, and Chariots of the Gods, carefree housewife Ann (Barbara Eden) becomes unexpectedly pregnant—a troubling revelation considering her husband, David (George Grizzard), had a vasectomy years earlier. Because he’s a man of his era, David accuses Ann of infidelity. Her sunny disposition changes, as she develops a ravenous appetite for salty foods, and a sudden interest in chemistry. It doesn’t come to the surprise of anybody (audience included) to learn Ann’s baby is not of this world and is actually an alien intelligence, cast out by its society to find a home inside Ann’s womb. Eden is good but doesn’t have much material to work with. Matheson’s screenplay is too silly to be taken seriously, leaving one to wonder if this would have worked better as an episode of I Dream of Jeannie. C (Currently not streaming.)

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976-EVIL, Neon Maniacs, Rabid

976-EVIL – 1988, US, 92m. Director: Robert Englund.

Neon Maniacs – 1986, US, 90m. Director: Joseph Mangine.

Rabid – 1977, Canada, 91m. Director: David Cronenberg.

The Supernaturals – 1986, US, 90m. Director: Armand Mastroianni.

976-EVIL (1988) Robert (Freddy Krueger) Englund made his directorial debut with this visually arresting but generic film about Satanic possession in the 20th century world of 1-900 phone lines. Patrick O’Bryan is a gambling-addicted high schooler who lives with his nerdy cousin (Stephen Geoffreys) and overbearing religious fanatic aunt (Sandy Dennis). O’Bryan ultimately stumbles upon a “horrorscope” hotline that promises to fulfill his every desire—but at a price. He dials in and immediately begins winning big at the poker table, while Geoffreys does a little phoning himself and scores with the local babe. Geoffrey’s lucky streak runs out and he’s beaten up by a gang of badly dressed punks, which triggers him into redialing the direct line to Satan and becoming the embodiment of pure evil. There’s an interesting idea in here, but unfortunately it gets lost in sea of monotonous characters and a half-baked plot that disintegrates into a rip-off of the more entertaining Evilspeak (1981). Englund’s direction is assured but empty, while Geoffreys—so colorful as “Evil” Ed in Fright Night—is wasted in an underwritten role. The movie’s imagination flourishes in the last twenty minutes, offering an appropriately fiery climax, and securing 976-EVIL II‘s production a few years later. C+ (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

NEON MANIACS (1986) The oldest looking teens this side of 90210 are stalked and slaughtered by a gang of mutated killers in Golden Gate Park. The sole survivor (Leilani Sarelle) informs the police but, naturally, they don’t believe her. Sarelle’s monster-loving classmate (Donna Locke) investigates and finds out the Maniacs have a lair under the Golden Gate Bridge; a strange hideaway considering water is the only source of destroying the mutants—a splash turns one of the madmen into a puddle of blood and slime. But common sense is not something the Neon Maniacs script is rife with, and frankly, neither is character development, story structure, or much of anything in the vein of good filmmaking. The plot is littered with unbelievable coincidences, and nobody but our main protagonists seems to notice these towering monsters, despite the fact our heroes live in San Francisco. What Neon Maniacs does offer is impressive makeup FX by Allan A. Apone and Douglas J. White. It’s just a shame they aren’t featured in a better movie. C (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

RABID (1977) An experimental skin graft turns a young woman (Marilyn Chambers) into some sort of vampiric predator. The twist is that she sucks the blood of her victims from a parasitic stinger that emerges from her armpit. Instead of killing her subjects, her bite (or sting) turns them into pale-faced ghouls with an appetite for human flesh. An interesting mix of elements taken from Night of the Living Dead and a typical vampire film, Rabid plays with the same theme of David Cronenberg’s previous horror feature, Shivers, in which seemingly normal-minded people are turned into ravenous monsters. And just as with Shivers, sexuality is an obvious subtext for the spreading of the virus—Chambers’s stinger protrudes from an orifice-like hole and penetrates her (mostly) male casualties. Chambers is quite good, and the plague/contamination subplot is eerily effective, and reminiscent of recent history. Interestingly enough, an attack sequence taking place inside a mall predates Romero’s Dawn of the Dead by a year. B (Currently streaming on Prime.)

THE SUPERNATURALS (1986) Army personnel on a training exercise in some Virginia woods interrupt the slumber of murdered Confederate soldiers that come back from the dead for revenge. A soldier discovers a hidden underground bunker with the rotting remains of its former Rebel inhabitants. The wife of one of the murdered Rebs returns as a ghost to warn the characters of impending doom, but fails miserably when the army brats start getting picked off by the zombified cavalry. The film plods as slowly as its musty antagonists—nothing much exciting happens within the first forty minutes. Even after the zombies start walking and—gasp!—using artillery against the modern-day soldiers, the movie fails to muster any suspense. The breathing characters are a forgettable mix of macho military caricatures that you feel nothing for when they meet their maker. The Supernaturals is such a lousy production it’s rather difficult to believe Nichelle Nichols, Maxwell Caulfield, Talia Balsam, and LeVar Burton had anything to do with it—but here they are, slumming it (especially Caulfield whose performance is so lifeless you’d think he was auditioning to be one of the walking stiffs). Director Armand Mastroianni made the much better and atmospheric He Knows You’re Alone (1980). D (Currently available on YouTube.)

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Paranormal Farm director Carl Medland returns with AIDEN, a sci-fi mystery that addresses real-life topics

Carl Medland is no stranger to surreal cinema. The British filmmaker and actor has made a career out of creating psychologically unnerving films aimed at pushing boundaries. 2017’s Paranormal Farm featured Medland as a documentarian exploring the disappearance of a woman on a rural farm. Shot in the found footage vérité-style of The Blair Witch Project, Paranormal Farm mixed its mystery plot with the supernatural, black comedy, and folk horror-inspired cultism.

Carl Medland in Paranormal Farm, 2017
Carl Medland in Paranormal Farm (2017)

Medland followed-up Paranormal Farm with 2018’s The Spiritualist, which dealt with the spiritual world and the idea of possibly contacting loved ones who’ve died, and the repercussions of such an act. That same year also saw the release of Paranormal Farm 2: Closer to the Truth, a meta-heavy sequel that flipped the rug on audiences by suggesting the first movie was in fact just a movie and its characters were all in on the joke, but with dire consequences. Paranormal Farm 3: Halloween followed a year later and concluded the found footage trilogy with a bang.

Medland returns this year with Aiden, a sci-fi-infused psychological drama that tackles abusive relationships within same-sex couples, toxic masculinity, hyperarousal, and post traumatic stress disorder. Collaborating with his long-time filmmaking partner, Mumtaz (Taz) Yildirimlar, Medland directs and stars in Aiden as the title character, who’s recent separation from an abusive relationship with an obsessive man named Ivan (Ivan Alexiev) has forced Aiden to participate in a rural experimental therapy program. Operated by the mysterious Dr. Williams (Darren Earl Williams), the isolation at first appeals to Aiden, until strange noises at night and the feeling of being watched set in.

Ivan Alexiev in Aiden (2024)

As with Paranormal Farm, the less you know about Aiden the better. What you should know is the film is a thoughtful piece on real-life topics that are addressed within the context of a sci-fi mystery. It’s refreshing to see a story dealing with a gay relationship that doesn’t feel fake or stereotyped, but a relationship created by authentic people, no matter how bad the situation is. Aiden should also get kudos for having the courage to explore its abusive same-sex couple scenario, a subject rarely seen in the LGBTQ+ film community.

The characters are well-written and acted (Paranormal Farm fans will get a kick out of seeing Darren Earl Williams back in action). Medland and Alexiev have undeniable chemistry—many will swoon over Alexiev’s bedroom scenes. But the real strength of Aiden is the intimate experience the viewer shares with Aiden himself; we feel like we’re taking the journey with him. And that’s a testament to Medland’s understanding of human emotions, or in some instances, a lack thereof.

Whether heightened horror is your cup of tea or not, Aiden is an engaging existential experience, and a great addition to Medland’s growing body of smart genre films.

Aiden is written and directed by Carl Medland, and produced, photographed, and edited by Mumtaz Yildirimlar. It will be available to rent through MSIVOD (an app is also available for download) starting October 11. The Paranormal Farm trilogy as well as The Spiritualist are currently streaming on Tubi.

Below is an interviewed I had with Carl via Zoom in 2021. The trailer for Aiden is also available below.

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Beyond the Living Dead, The Black Room, The Other Hell

Beyond the Living Dead – 1973, Italy/Spain, 97m. Director: José Luis Merino.

The Black Room – 1982, US, 82m. Director: Elly Kenner, Norman Thaddeus Vane.

The Other Hell – 1981, Italy, 87m. Director: Bruno Mattei.

Simon, King of the Witches – 1971, US, 99m. Director: Bruce Kessler.

BEYOND THE LIVING DEAD (1973) (AKA: The Hanging Woman) A man (Stelvio Rosi) arrives at a mountainside village to collect an inheritance, only to bump into the corpse of the Countess to whom he’s the sole heir. The woman’s death sets off a chain reaction of events, including a graphic autopsy, a police inquiry, and family turmoil when its revealed Rosi has inherited the Countess’s entire estate. The Countess’s brother (Gérard Tichy) is experimenting in bringing the dead back to life, and his daughter dabbles in black magic. The cops peg a half-witted gravedigger (Paul Naschy) for the Countess’s murder when they discover nefarious items in his quarters, but he turns out to be a red herring in the form of a necrophiliac—he’s later served some undead justice when he’s entombed alive in a mausoleum. Those looking for a Romero-like zombie bloodbath in this slow-moving European production are better off looking elsewhere. Talky and stiffly acted. C– (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

THE BLACK ROOM (1982) Unfulfilled by the lack of sex at home, married father Larry (Jimmy Stathis) rents a room in the Hollywood Hills to use for afternoon delight. The room, decked out in black curtains and candles, looks like a set leftover from a porno, and it’s just perfect for Larry’s bevy of L.A. beauties. What Larry doesn’t know is the owners of the house are a pair of Satanic, voyeuristic siblings (Cassandra Gava and Stephen Knight) who kidnap his sex partners and drain their blood in a transfusion for Knight, who suffers from a rare blood disorder. The Black Room might lack structure but it’s an interesting take on the vampire theme, and its AIDS metaphor is perhaps more obvious now than back in 1982. Character takes precedent over gore and the writing is smart enough to not allow Larry to become a macho jerk who saves the day, but a flawed individual who gets a taste of his own medicine when his wife (Clara Perryman) starts using the black room for her own needs. Whether feminism was on the screenwriter’s mind or not, The Black Room ends up being a thoughtful, albeit exploitative, little doozy. B (Currently unavailable.)

THE OTHER HELL (1981) A knife-happy nun dissects a fellow sister in an underground laboratory and removes her victim’s uterus. In the adjacent convent, a Bible erupts in flames and stigmata appears on a nun before she convulses and dies. A freethinking priest (Carlo De Mejo), who dismisses Satan, is sent to investigate and discovers a history of diabolical happenings within the convent. All of this is the product of black magic conjured by a demented Abbess (Franca Stoppi) who years earlier gave birth to a deformed child—the product of an unholy union with the Devil. More incomprehensible, exploitative nonsense made in Italy by unimaginative individuals who’ve seen The Exorcist. The sight of a priest’s charred head in a tabernacle is the only original moment in an otherwise disparagingly witless movie. F (Currently available on YouTube.)

SIMON, KING OF THE WITCHES (1971) Simon (Andrew Prine) is an inauspicious warlock who lives in a storm drain. After being taken in by the police for vagrancy, Simon makes friends with a male prostitute (George Paulsin), who later introduces him to Hercules Van Sant (Gerald York), a decadent bigwig who hires Simon to show off his magical skills at parties. Hercules’s entourage doesn’t take Simon seriously, and after they berate the man and his profession, Simon seeks revenge—starting with a pompous party guest who writes Simon a bad check. Simon meets Sarah (Ultra Violet—one of Andy Warhol’s superstars), a self-proclaimed Queen of the Witches, who holds Satanic black masses in her candlelit lair and who Simon denounces as a charlatan. Simon’s newfound celebrity gains him his own small following, and with the strengthening of his powers crosses over to the dark realm—queue the flashy, acid trip-like montage that represents Simon’s ascension into another plane of existence. Prine is charismatic, but his character is too cold to care about; much like Simon, the film itself is empty and doesn’t offer the viewer any moments of razzle-dazzle. A missed opportunity. C (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

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Blackout, The Demon Lover, Night Angel

Blackout – 1985, Canada/US, 98m. Director: Douglas Hickox.

The Demon Lover – 1977, US, 74m. Director: Donald G. Jackson, Jerry Younkins.

Night Angel – 1990, US, 88m. Director: Dominique Othenin-Girard

Possession – 1981, France/West Germany, 124m. Director: Andrzej Zulawski.

BLACKOUT (1985) An amnesiac, disfigured in a car crash, undergoes several facial reconstructive surgeries and discovers his name is Allen Devlin. Devlin (Keith Carradine) begins romancing his friendly doctor (Kathleen Quinlan) and, in the following years, the two start a family. Suburban bliss turns sour, however, when Devlin is stalked by an obsessive cop (Richard Widmark) who believes Devlin might actually be a psychopath who brutally murdered his own family six years earlier. Despite being a made-for-television thriller, Blackout is taut stuff and predates the similar The Stepfather. Established British filmmaker Douglas Hickox (Theater of Blood) delivers a well-rounded mystery, which works mostly because of believable situations and likable characters—including Quinlan, who’s excellent. Recommended, if you can find it. B (Currently unavailable.)

THE DEMON LOVER (1977) A woman is summoned to a graveyard in the middle of the night, where she’s clawed to death by some sort of monster. Later on, a group of friends who follow a cultist named Laval (Christmas Robbins, resembling Robby Steinhardt of the band Kansas) question their leader’s motives when Laval instructs the women to disrobe and open their legs for the men. Seeking retribution, Laval performs a ritual which brings forth a demon to kill his ex-cult members. Baffled by the bizarre deaths, a homicide detective seeks help from a local occult expert (Texas Chainsaw Massacre‘s Gunner Hansen), who informs the cop of the sinister dealings of underground black magic practitioners like Laval. Since this information has been evident to the viewer from the get-go, all one can do is sit back and try to enjoy this obscure bargain-basement oddity made by people who probably saw Rosemary’s Baby on acid. Entertaining in spite of itself. Look for Howard the Duck co-creator Val Mayerik in a small role. C+ (Currently streaming via Tubi.)

NIGHT ANGEL (1990) Lilith—the Biblical Adam’s first wife and mistress to Satan, the subject of theologists and Jewish folklore scholars the world over, and the antagonist of so many films of the late eighties—had, by 1990, replaced the vampire as the modern horror movie’s femme fatale. In Night Angel, Lilith (Isa Andersen) crawls out of Hell to seduce and kill the mostly male staff of a highfalutin fashion magazine in order to take over the business. That’s small peanuts compared to world domination, but within the context of the movie’s shallow world of sex and glamour it works splendidly. As soon as Lilith gets into town, she fucks one of the magazine’s editors to death before slaughtering his family. This is followed by an unintentionally hilarious sequence where Lilith, in an attempt to woo the crowd, dances for a room of publishers. More people end up murdered as she engulfs the fashion community, including the magazine’s zombified owner, who walks into an elevator shaft and plummets to his death. Lilith doesn’t stop at just men—she turns the magazine’s sex-starved heiress (Karen Black) into a brain-dead guinea pig. Photos of Lilith circulate the office, turning the employees into homicidal horndogs. Supplied by K.N.B. EFX, the makeup and other special effects are first-rate—a prolonged hallucination features the hero (Linden Ashby) walking through a David Lynchian version of Hell amidst a sea of ghastly bodily mutations, including the ultimate pair of tits. When it comes to acting, the folks of Night Angel don’t dial it back—especially Anderson, who’s particularly unrestrained in the moaning department—but would we have it any other way? I certainly hope not! Unadulterated camp—not to be missed. B (Currently available on YouTube.)

POSSESSION (1981) Mark (Sam Neill) and Anna (Isabelle Adjani) are very unhappy. Married and with a young son, the couple do nothing but scream at each other—often for no particular reason other than because the script calls for it—and throw things around as if they’re living in a skit from the Muppet Show. Anna is having an affair, but upon confronting her lover, Mark discovers she cut it off months ago. This is because Anna’s new lover is big, slimy, and not human. A private detective, hired by Mark, is murdered by Anna after stumbling upon her secret—she keeps the beast in a grungy apartment where she feeds it the body parts of her victims. Possession is a movie that takes itself very seriously, which is amusing considering it’s nothing more than an overwrought rip-off of Cronenberg’s The Brood. Both Adjani and Neill overact, with the script failing to make either character sympathetic or the slightest bit interesting. It says something when the monster turns out to be the smartest character in the movie. But, maybe that was the point? A critical and commercial bomb that’s only recently received attention from the intelligentsia who praise its grotesque decadence. D– (Currently streaming on Kanopy.)

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Horror Express, Mansion of the Doomed, Out of the Dark

Horror Express – 1972, Spain/UK, 86m. Director: Eugenio Martin.

The House on Straw Hill – 1976, UK, 84m. Director: James Kenelm Clarke.

Mansion of the Doomed – 1976, US, 88m. Director: Michael Pataki.

Out of the Dark – 1988, US, 90m. Director: Michael Schroeder.

HORROR EXPRESS (1972) The unearthing of a prehistoric relic—in the form of a Cro-Magnon man—at the turn of the 20th century spells doom for its discoverer (Christopher Lee) and the passengers on board a train when the fossil is transported through Russian territory. Unbeknownst to all involved, the body harbors some sort of parasitic alien life form that’s able to boil its victims brains in their skulls and take over the mind of others, thereby hiding among the travelers without their knowledge. In the process of finding out who is committing the murders, Lee and fellow scientist Peter Cushing—whadda team!—sample a victim’s blood and, through a microscope, see images of Earth from space. The idea that the creature’s blood holds photographic memories of its million-year lifespan is preposterous even by 1970s genre standards. Horror Express has the appearance of a high-class production but it’s nothing more than a lowbrow rip-off of John W. Campbell’s novella Who Goes There? made earlier (and better) as The Thing From Another World (1951). A quick pace and good cast help to capture the viewer’s attention even when the movie descends into utter nonsense—which is quite often. Recommended only for hardcore Lee/Cushing completists. C (Currently streaming on Plex and Tubi.)

THE HOUSE ON STRAW HILL (1976) (AKA: Exposé; Trauma) To finish his new book, pompous writer Udo Kier moves into a house in the British countryside (the house on Straw Hill, I presume) in order to escape his lecherous ex-girlfriend. He instead finds a new source of lechery in the form of secretary Linda Hayden (Taste the Blood of Dracula), who moves into the cottage with Kier and partakes in secretarial work, such as typing, masturbating, and joining Kier in the sack for some midday screwing—she seems particularly skilled at the latter. The ex (Fiona Richmond) eventually returns and, wouldn’t you know it, becomes the subject of a graphic lesbian sex scene. The sexcapades escalate to murder as Hayden performs a revenge-fueled knifing on Richmond before she and Kier have a fight-to-the-death showdown. The truth surfaces as the viewer discovers—through Hayden’s sanguinary activities—that Kier’s first novel was actually written by Hayden’s husband, who later committed suicide after Kier stole the manuscript, turning it into a best-seller. It’s a shame The House on Straw Hill never turns into a good movie; the final product ends up being nothing more than a shallow exercise in softcore pornography. Hayden never becomes a believable character, while Kier gives a wooden performance, made worse by awkward dubbing—despite the fact Kier is speaking English, his voice has been replaced by an American actor’s. Best to stay away from Straw Hill altogether. D (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

MANSION OF THE DOOMED (1976) In what’s essentially a loose remake of George Franju’s Eyes Without a Face, surgeon Richard Basehart goes to murderous lengths to restore his daughter’s eyesight. After Basehart causes his beautiful daughter (Trish Stewart) to go blind in a car accident, he becomes obsessed in discovering a way to perform a live eye transplant, which all of his colleagues insist can’t be done. Experimentation soon becomes the order of the day for the loony Doc who—along with the help of his assistant (Gloria Grahame)—kidnaps and performs hideous eye transplants on an assortment of victims, including Stewart’s fiancé (Lance Henriksen). Once eyeless, the “patients” are kept locked in the cellar of Basehart’s Beverly Hills mansion, where they grow into an angry mob, hungry for revenge. Mansion of the Doomed is entertaining in spite of itself, but looses momentum in the third act when the plot is swallowed in unbelievable conveniences and an unnecessary subplot involving a detective (Alice‘s Vic Tayback) wasting the viewer’s time by trying to solve the mystery. The story crescendos in the final ten minutes when the sightless horde escapes and gives Basehart a taste of his own medicine. C+ (Currently available on Plex and Tubi.)

OUT OF THE DARK (1988) The phone sex business is a hard trade, in more ways than one. The women of Suite Nothings not only have to keep their clients on the line as long as possible to make their quota, but also have to dodge the knife of a psychopathic killer in a clown mask. Apparently, these “phone fantasy girls” are so popular within their L.A. community that the boyfriend (Cameron Dye) of one of the women is assigned by a prestigious magazine to snap some pics for a cover story. Dye naturally becomes the prime suspect when photos of the first murder victim are discovered in his studio—but the actual maniac is most likely a) the leering four-eyed creep who works down the hall, b) a sleazy photographer who secretly takes pictures of women undressing through their windows, or c) Dye, the boyfriend of one of the phone sex… Oops! A nonfunctional brew of neo-noir crime elements intermixed with slasher movie cliches, Out of the Dark has a good cast trying their best within the context of the intermittently silly screenplay—and, what a cast! Karen Black! Burt Cort! Tab Hunter! Geoffrey Lewis! Paul Bartel! Divine! It’s too bad none of them can save this unabashedly awful movie from itself. D (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

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The Forest, Let’s Scare Jessica to Death, The Murder Clinic

The Forest – 2016, US, 93m. Director: Jason Zada.

Let’s Scare Jessica to Death – 1971, US, 89m. Director: John D. Hancock.

The Loreley’s Grasp – 1973, Spain, 84m. Director: Amando de Ossorio.

The Murder Clinic – 1966, Italy/France, 82m. Director: Elio Scardamaglia, Lionello De Felice.

THE FOREST (2016) On the northwest side of Japan’s Mount Fuji lies the Aokigahara, a vast forest known by locals to be filled with spirits of the dead, and a popular locale for those who wish to commit suicide. It’s in this ghostly wilderness where American teacher Jess was last seen before she disappeared. Twin sister Sara (Natalie Dormer, Game of Thrones) senses her distraught sibling’s vibes and travels to Japan to find her. Sara’s plight interests a journalist (Taylor Kinney) writing about the “Suicide Forest,” and the two hire a guide to take them into the woods. Isolation and disorientation set in until Sara becomes too psychologically unbalanced to tell what’s real and what’s in her head. The film’s roots look like they stem from the world of J-horror, but those expecting a movie filled with nonstop jump scares might be disappointed in The Forest‘s subtler approach. There are a few scary moments but the majority of the movie is focused on character and mood. Unfortunately, the third act is disjointed and clumsy, culminating in a silly “shock” ending that feels tacked on. B– (Currently not streaming.)

LET’S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH (1971) Emotionally fragile Jessica (Zohra Lampert) is taken by her husband (Barton Heyman) to convalesce in the country after she’s released from a mental hospital. Upon arriving at their new home, Jessica begins seeing a woman in white around the property—a woman who might be the ghost of someone who lived in the house decades earlier, before drowning in the nearby lake. Jessica’s mental stability starts to break when she discovers a dead body in the woods and is later attacked by a female specter from below the lake’s surface. This low budget oddity has recently gained attention from film scholars but it’s really nothing more than an uninvolving retelling of Sheridan Le Fanu’s Carmilla told through the viewpoint of a disillusioned housewife. Atmospheric but empty, and with Lampert giving a one-note performance. C (Currently not streaming.)

THE LORELEY’S GRASP (1973) (AKA: When the Screaming Stops) This movie has a helluva opening! On a dark night in Rhine, Germany, a scaly beast with claws crashes through a window and slashes a woman to death—her bloodied, lifeless body is shown in close-up as the opening credits roll. Too bad the rest of the film stinks. The victim was from an all-girl’s school—the kind that only admit centerfolds—that hires a sharpshooter (Tony Kendall) to protect the rest of the student body should more attacks occur. Kendall’s presence proves fruitless when another student is torn to pieces by the monster. Some believe it’s the work of a wild animal, but audiences know it’s the Lorelei—a legendary supernatural being that can take the form of a woman and transform into a lizard-like creature when the moon is full. After a blind beggar has his heart ripped out by the Lorelei (this movie seems to have an endless supply of torn-open fake torsos), Kendall teams up with a scientist (and Lorelei expert) to try and stop the killings. A group of townspeople round up the usual idiots to form a pitchfork-and-torch-carrying mob, hellbent on destroying the Lorelei—but much like Kendall’s himbo hunter, they fail to kill it. The Lorelei’s grasp is eventually overcome when she’s stabbed with a sacrificial dagger, but not before a quick embrace by a smitten Kendall after she transforms into busty Helga Liné. I guess love does win in the end. A handsomely made, typically asinine epic from Amando de Ossorio (Tombs of the Blind Dead). D+ (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

THE MURDER CLINIC (1966) A 19th century mental institution becomes the killing ground of a hooded maniac who slices up the patients—and staff—with a straight razor. The first on-screen victim, a mute woman, manages to escape to the nearby countryside, but succumbs to the murderer’s slashing; her book is found by a nurse the next morning with a slash torn across it. That nurse (Barbara Wilson) is new to the clinic and is introduced to the patients, all of whom seem to suffer from fits of rage, and all of whom are potential suspects. The real suspect is the hideously scarred sister-in-law of Dr. Robert Vance (William Berger), who hides in the attic—the sight of her deformed face makes a guest faint from shock (or perhaps she was surprised by the lousy make-up job). The Murder Clinic has all of the hallmarks of an early Italian slasher, or giallo—the gloved killer, the bevy of beautiful women, the complex backstory involving the protagonist. What the film doesn’t have are interesting characters, surprises, or a lick of suspense throughout its 82 minutes. C– (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

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The Horror of Party Beach, Night of the Bloody Apes, and The Nightcomers

The Horror of Party Beach – 1964, US, 78m. Director: Len Tenney.

Keep My Grave Open – 1977, US, 73m. Director: S.F. Brownrigg.

Night of the Bloody Apes – 1969, Mexico, 84m. Director: René Cardona.

The Nightcomers – 1971, UK, 97m. Director: Michael Winner.

THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH (1964) Radioactive waste dumped into the ocean transforms the dead crew of a sunken fishing boat into humanoid sea monsters. The creatures ascend topside at a popular beach and kill a teen, igniting a feeding frenzy within the local scientific community. This low-grade teenybopper exploitation flick takes the upbeat musical components of the Frankie Avalon/Annette Funicello bikini romp, Beach Party, and mixes it with the horrors of Creature from the Black Lagoon, but with extremely mixed results. Much of the film’s poor craftsmanship ranks within the so-bad-it’s-good category, but its plotless story structure holds your attention only for so long. Luckily, Horror of Party Beach‘s scant 78 minutes won’t keep you from straying too far from the TV. A drive-in crap classic that predates the Roger Corman-produced Humanoids from the Deep, which features a similar plot but with 1980s-infused nudity and violence. C+ (Currently streaming on Prime.)

KEEP MY GRAVE OPEN (1977) If anyone needs more proof that Hitchcock’s Psycho influenced a whole generation of independent filmmakers, look no further than with this low-budget oddity. Lesley (Camilla Carr) lives an isolated life in a hilltop manor with her brother, Kevin. The young woman, who seems to be in a permanent state of upset, suffers from headaches and is constantly bickering with her bro, who wisely stays behind closed doors. When Lesley is in the mood for love, she seeks affection from stable boy Bobby (Stephen Tobolowsky), whose girlfriend ultimately winds up on the wrong end of a sword. Lesley’s hormones continue to surge, and after getting dolled up (and looking like Faye Dunaway in Bonnie and Clyde) she commits the most forbidden of acts with Kevin. This is followed by the slashing of another victim in the bathroom. But there’s a twist, folks! Kevin fled town years ago and left sis a loony psycho who lives in a fantasy world, using big bro’s saber to take down those she feels threatened by. Pretty scary, huh? Not really. Despite its overt silliness, Keep My Grave Open expects to be taken seriously. That’s a tough sell for a movie that seems destined to end up on a revival of Mystery Science Theater 3000. C– (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES (1969) Desperate to cure his teenage son, Julio’s, leukemia, a medical doctor takes a gorilla’s heart and transplants it into the young man. After we’re treated to some graphic footage of real open-heart surgery—the squeamish will want to look away—Julio wakes up on the operating table a new man, so to speak. His newfound health is short-lived when he begins to develop ape-like facial deformities—and a thirst for brutally murdering his fellow homo sapiens. This notorious south-of-the-border gore job has all of the hallmarks of an unintentional howler, including bad editing, laughable acting, Ed Wood-level writing, and is possibly the first “the-make-up-ends-at-the-neck” example of obliviously terrible filmmaking. A subplot featuring a female wrestler seems to have been tacked on to pad out the running time, but Mexican female wrestling fans will most likely rejoice. Slightly amusing and all-moronic, Night of the Bloody Apes is Mexican trash cinema at its weirdest. The movie is actually a remake of director René Cardona’s previous Doctor of Doom, but with a lot more boobs and blood. D+ (Currently streaming on Tubi.)

THE NIGHTCOMERS (1971) Marlon Brando’s last hurrah before The Godfather gave him his superstar resurgence, this handsome but murky film acts as a prequel to Henry James’s The Turn of the Screw, which was adapted to great success as The Innocents (1961). Brando plays the brutish Peter Quint, groundskeeper to Bly Manor and home to orphans Flora (Verna Harvey) and Miles (Christopher Ellis) and their buxom governess, Ms. Jessel (Stephanie Beacham). Quint spends his days tending to the horses, drinking, and acting like a general buffoon. Despite his lecherous demeanor, Flora and Miles take an immediate liking to Quint—he tells the easily manipulated Miles that the rape Quint committed against Ms. Jessel, which Miles witnessed, is a form of lovemaking. Quint’s corruption turns Miles and Flora into psychopathic brats and Ms. Jessel into a lovelorn halfwit who literally rows a boat to her doom while pining for her despicable “lover.” The script never develops these people into actual characters the viewer can sympathize with; instead, the actors go through the motions like zombified caricatures. Brando’s terrible Scottish accent is one for the ages. Read Turn of the Screw and bypass this flaky production without a second thought. D (Currently unavailable.)

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Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1974-1995 🍖

THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE (1974) Perhaps the perfect American horror film of its generation, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre not only took the slasher movie to terrifying new levels, it gave birth to one of cinema’s most memorable (and horrifying) villains: Leatherface. A seemingly carefree summer afternoon turns into a nightmare for friends driving down some Texas backroads when they encounter a family of sadistic, grave robbing cannibals. The simple premise is made all the more horrific thanks to Tobe Hooper’s handling of the material—the film utilizes sound, disorienting music, and extreme close-ups to create a claustrophobic environment that makes the whole ordeal feel authentically brutal. The cast is amateur but good, especially Marilyn Burns who became a benchmark for future Final Girls. Unrelentingly suspenseful and unforgivingly grim, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is a masterpiece in horror filmmaking. A (Currently streaming on Pluto TV and Tubi.)

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 (1986) This 12-years-later sequel got a bad rap when it was originally released, but on second viewing it’s not half bad. Actually, compared to the later entries in the long-running series, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is quite good. The Sawyer clan, now relocated to Dallas and owners of an award-winning food truck (“The secret’s in the meat”), is hunted by a disgruntled former Texas marshal (Dennis Hopper) whose nephew was murdered in the first movie. A string of corpses—including a couple of frat boys Leatherface (Bill Johnson) slices up with his chainsaw in one of the film’s most elaborate sequences—leads Hopper to the cannibal family, who’ve made home underneath an abandoned theme park. Tobe Hooper returned to the director’s chair and injected the story with humor to balance out the outrageous violence, which includes the ultimate chainsaw battle that ends in a disemboweling. Tom Savini’s gore effects will make you swear off eating meat for a few days. B+ (Currently streaming on Pluto TV and Tubi.)

LEATHERFACE: THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE III (1990) As the film opens, our heroine drives down a dusty patch of Texas road and passes a sign which reads, “Don’t mess with Texas.” Wiser words were never written within the context of a horror movie. The woman in question, Michelle (Kate Hodge)—a pacifist who can’t stomach the sight of roadkill—turns off the main highway and runs smack into Leatherface (R.A. Mihailoff) and his shiny chainsaw, which is nearly as big as he is. Returning to the gruesome nature of the original, Chainsaw Massacre III ignores the events of the satirical Part 2 and acts as a direct sequel to Hooper’s 1974 film. Leatherface lives with a new family of demented cannibals—they mostly refer to him as “Junior,” suggesting these characters could be extended family from those in the first movie. Grandpa is long dead, but that doesn’t stop the family’s little girl (Jennifer Banko) from feeding the desiccated corpse blood collected from fresh victims. Not many liked this third Chainsaw outing when it was released. True, it lacks the suspense and intelligence of its predecessors—but Texas Chainsaw III is a decent entry in the series and offers good acting, a couple of scares, and a lightning-quick pace. Dawn of the Dead‘s Ken Foree is excellent as a survivalist who steps in and gives the Leatherface clan a taste of their own medicine, so to speak. B (Currently not streaming.)

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION (1995) (AKA: The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) A quartet of high schoolers on their way to prom wreck their car in the middle of Nowhere, Texas, and become victims of Leatherface and his predictably deranged family in this semi-sequel/remake. Clad in his signature yellow apron, Bubba (Robert Jacks) stores one of the teens in deep freeze while his tow truck-driving brother (Matthew McConaughey) terrorizes Renee Zellweger by forcing her to watch her date become a food source for the clan of redneck cannibals. The plot is essentially a repeat of Part III but with more of an emphasis on characterization than on-screen bloodletting—although the film has its share of gory moments. The screenplay is infused with humor, including a scene where Leatherface and gang sit down to a pizza dinner. Leatherface is more of a Jame Gumb/Buffalo Bill cross-dressing-type and is often overshadowed by the more flamboyant McConaughey, whose performance is quite frightening at times. Offbeat and scattershot, but with an undeniably bleak atmosphere and truly grimy aesthetic. Look for a cameo by the original’s Marilyn Burns. C+ (Currently not available.)