BLOOD SALVAGE (1990) A stupid slasher variant about a vacationing family abducted by a religious fanatic hillbilly (Danny Nelson), who likes to perform diabolical medical experiments on his victims. The movie wants to be a parody (I think), but its tone is all over the place, with an uneven mix of gory horror and slapstick comedy that never gels. The screenplay also relies too heavily on its annoying, over-the-top characters to carry the movie, resulting in endless scenes of terrible, hammy acting. Even John Saxon, playing the father of a wheelchair-bound teen (Lori Birdsong) next on Nelson’s operating table, can’t save this. A chore to sit through. D
EATEN ALIVE (1976) Tobe Hooper followed-up Texas Chainsaw Massacre with this entertaining but disjointed shocker about a mentally disturbed man (Neville Brand) who kills and feeds to his pet alligator anyone who upsets him – which is everyone – at his dilapidated backwoods hotel. Shades of Norman Bates are obvious, but Brand’s performance is too hysterical at times, and the tone of the screenplay switches gears once too often. But, Hooper does throw in enough thrills and surprises (including a young Robert Englund’s encounter with the hungry gator) to keep the movie moving at a good pace, resulting in a demented, nasty little oddity. B–
THE OTHER(1972) Well-made adaptation of the best-selling book by Thomas Tryon (who also wrote the screenplay) about a series of deaths that surround a small family and its twin boys, Niles (Chris Udvarnoky) and Holland (Martin Udvarnoky). When mild-mannered Niles begins to astral project himself into the minds of others, this sets off a chain of incidents relating back to the psychopathic Holland. Although Robert Mulligan’s direction is at times stoic, this is a good film with excellent performances by the Udvarnoky brothers, and especially Uta Hagen as the matriarch of the family. The sinister, downbeat ending is a plus. Look for John Ritter in a small role. B
THE PHOENIX INCIDENT(2015) A group of friends encounter alien beasties in this meandering found footage story of the Phoenix Lights phenomenon from 1997. A 30-minute concept is stretched to 90 minutes, with a lot of screen time used on boring interviews with government officers involved in a worldwide conspiracy. There’s also a subplot about a sociopathic cult member (Michael Adamwaithe), but by that point I was looking at my watch. Technically well-made, but one can’t help wish this had been trimmed of its fat and released as a short film. The Phoenix Lights has created a tiny cottage industry: so far, this is the first of two found footage movies based on the supposedly real occurrence. C–
CITADEL (2012) Months after his wife was fatally attacked by a group of mysterious children, Tommy (Aneurin Barnard) realizes the same kids have come back to terrorize him and his daughter. While his mental health deteriorates, Tommy receives help from a disgraced priest (James Cosmo) who informs him the children are inhuman creatures that feed off fear. As with director Ciarán Foy’s other films (Eli, Sinister 2), Citadel is a good concept not fully realized. Yet, for most of the short 84-minute runtime the film works quite well, with Foy building a genuinely suspenseful and claustrophobic environment for Tommy to grapple with – not to mention some creepy, Cronenberg-esque kids. A lackluster conclusion slightly stains the overall impact the rest of the movie has, with one wondering what a few more rewrites of the screenplay might have achieved. B–
PHANTOMS (1998) A small Colorado town is overtaken by a mysterious, shapeshifting black ooze (not unlike The X-Files) emanating from below the ground in this entertaining but slight adaptation of the popular Dean Koontz book. When the town’s new doctor (Joanna Going) and her sister (Rose McGowan) arrive to discover most of the inhabitants dead or missing, they, along with the sheriff (Ben Affleck), try to figure out how to escape alive, and possibly save the rest of humanity. A good first half that builds intriguing mystery is muted with the introduction of too many uninteresting characters and a lengthy sequence inside a military vehicle where said characters sit around and hypothesize the creature’s origins. The special FX are good and the action robust, just don’t expect too much meat on these bones. C+
THE POSSESSION OF JOEL DELANEY (1972) Wealthy New York socialite Norah (Shirley MacLaine) becomes suspicious of brother, Joel’s (Perry King), change in behavior when he starts acting aggressive and speaking in a language he doesn’t know. When Joel’s girlfriend is found murdered, Norah believes the spirit of Joel’s deceased Puerto Rican friend (and serial killer) has invaded her brother’s body. An intriguing and suspenseful film that plays out more like a mystery than your typical possession movie, although it has its share of shocking moments. MacLaine is excellent and the mood bleak. The screenplay falls apart during the last several, hectic minutes, but the downbeat ending rings true. B
STRANGE INVADERS (1983) A love letter to ’50s sci-fi flicks, this has college professor, Dr. Bigelow (Paul LeMat), looking for his ex-wife (Diana Scarwid) in a small town and inadvertently stumbling onto a secret alien takeover that’s been going on for 25 years. With the help of a tabloid newspaper writer (Nancy Allen), Bigelow tries to uncover the alien plot, only to end up getting his daughter kidnapped and the government involved. Sort of a companion piece to director Michael Laughlin’s Strange Behavior, Invaders is both odd and charming, utilizing its kitschy premise by playing up the nostalgic vibe of movies like Invaders from Mars and Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and downplaying the seriousness of those films at the same time. Allen and Fiona Lewis (in a small role) are both delightful, but LeMat is wooden and unsympathetic. It’s not perfect, but there’s a lot to like here, and given the small budget, the practical FX are terrific. B
THE HAUNTING OF JULIA (1977) This moody ghost tale stars the always good Mia Farrow as a woman who, months after the death of her young daughter, moves into a house off London’s Holland Park to try and put her life back together. She soon suspects the house may be haunted by the spirit of a murdered child, and investigates the place’s dark past. Adapted from Peter Straub’s novel, Haunting of Julia is an effective, character-driven supernatural chiller. Hardcore horror buffs might be put off by the film’s slow pace and deliberately ambiguous tone, but the patient viewer will by rewarded with a creepy, dark story, and a truly unsettling ending. B+
ORPHAN: FIRST KILL (2022) A surprisingly good prequel to the 2009 cult favorite that delivers a sort-of-origin story of psychopath Leena (Isabelle Fuhrman), a.k.a. Esther. After killing several people and escaping a secured institution in Estonia, 31-year-old Leena disguises herself as Esther, the missing child of a wealthy American family. Once in America, Esther tries, and mostly fails, to assimilate into her new home. When her spoiled “brother” (Matthew Finlan) becomes suspicious of her bizarre mannerisms, Esther quickly unravels. Things get worse when a nosy investigator (Hiro Kanagawa), hired by the family four years earlier, looks into Esther’s alleged reappearance. What starts off as more or less a repeat of the first movie roars to life when a midpoint twist turns the tables on not only the viewers but Esther; once seen as the villain, Esther/Leena suddenly becomes an antihero, and one worth rooting for. Only a somewhat lackluster ending gets in the way of a super-fun flick. B
SINISTER 2 (2015) An uneven sequel to Scott Derrickson’s terrific original features the now-ex Deputy (James Ransone) from Part 1 doing some DIY investigations into murders and child disappearances which mirror the events of the first film. Connecting these events to a massacre that took place at a remote farmhouse introduces him to its new owner, Courtney (Shannyn Sossmon), and her two young sons (real life brothers Robert Daniel Sloan and Dartanian Sloan). Unknown to the adults, the youngest of the boys is being tormented not just by his abusive father, but by the spirits of the kids who serve the demon, Bughuul. It’s interesting to see the action unfold this time through the viewpoint of the children, but the violent, disturbing atmosphere of the original is replaced here with a more conventional ghost story narrative that, at times, feels stale. Considering the horror happening to him, Robert Sloan’s Dylan is too emotionless and nonchalant to register much sympathy for, while Lea Coco, as Dylan’s father, is so hammy and over the top he comes off as cartoonish. C
THE COLLINGSWOOD STORY (2002)The first of the webcam horror films that emerged in the wake of The Blair Witch Project, this simplistic film has a college student (Stephanie Dees) moving away from home and using webcams to communicate with her boyfriend (Johnny Burton). Unbeknownst to them, her new house was once the site of a mass murder associated with a satanic cult, bringing upon her a series of supernatural occurrences. It’s obvious the subgenre hadn’t yet found its footing, as this is much talkier and humorless than similar movies of its kind. The film has a genuinely unsettling atmosphere, but its slow pace and heavy reliance on exposition to build suspense hurts the impact the story could have had with a tighter, more focused screenplay. C+
THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983) An enjoyable, low, low budget romp in the tradition of The Evil Dead, this pits a houseful of people against a multi-headed alien beastie with sharp teeth and a large appetite for human flesh. When the house’s monster-loving kid (Charles George Hilderbandt) becomes wise to the creature’s heightened sense of hearing, he uses it to his advantage to try and save his family from becoming next on the alien’s dinner plate. A fast pace and genuine excitement help lift this above its obvious budgetary restraints and somewhat dull characters. The OTT gore FX also add some spice to the paper-thin story, all leading up to a wonderful twist ending that would give Little Shop of Horrors a run for its money. B
SHE WILL (2022) Yet another “intellectual” non-horror “horror” movie that seems to have been made just for the pretentious film festival circuit. After aging movie star, Veronica Ghent (Alice Krige), undergoes a double mastectomy, she travels to a woodsy retreat to convalesce, only to find out the place was once the site of mass witch burnings. When Veronica begins seeing visions of said witches, she undergoes a physical and mental transformation, and uses her newfound powers to enact revenge against her male oppressors. Both obvious in its metaphors and mundane in its execution, She Will is a dumb movie that thinks it’s smart; the script never allows its characters to feel authentic or, most importantly, sympathetic. We’re automatically expected to side with Ghent because of a hinted past traumatic event that turned her into the chilly character presented in the film, but the movie itself is too cold and disjointed to allow the audience to make up its own mind. If you’re the type who likes to watch stock footage of snails having sex, this is the movie for you. D
HIDDEN (2016) In the aftermath of a devastating viral outbreak that has created “Breathers,” a father (Alexander Skarsgård), mother (Andrea Risenborough), and their 9-year-old daughter (Emily Alyn Lind) try to survive in an underground bomb shelter. When the “Breathers” discover their hiding place, the family must give up their new comforts and fight to the death. Despite its dense atmosphere, the film fails to muster any suspense. The characters are too dimwitted to be sympathetic, and certain situations feel so fake and forced that any sense of reality and tension is thrown out the window. The screenplay (written by Stranger Things‘s Matt and Ross Duffer) wastes the first 30 minutes repeatedly reminding its audience of the rules the protagonists need to follow in order to evade the “Breathers,” yet said rules are ignored whenever it’s convenient to the plot. A lifeless, predictable doomsday tale that feels like the diet soda version of The Road. D
THE NEW KIDS (1985) After their military parents are killed in a car crash, teen siblings Loren (Shannon Presby) and Abby (Lori Loughlin) move to Florida and are immediately beset by a gang of psychopathic bullies. After Abby repeatedly ignores the romantic advances of the pack’s leader (James Spader), he and his friends decide to make her and her brother’s life hell, that is until Abby and Loren fight back. Friday the 13th‘s Sean S. Cunningham directs this slick thriller that works, mostly, thanks to a good cast and some genuine suspense. It gets a bit too melodramatic here and there, but at just 89 minutes it gets by on pure 80’s charm. B
THE REEF: STALKED (2022) An in-name only sequel to the terrific 2010 original, Stalked follows four friends who are terrorized by a large shark while kayaking off the coast of Australia. Director Andrew Traucki does a good job of building suspense, especially during the first hour, with an emphasis on less is more. The film loses momentum thanks to transparent characters and an uninteresting backstory that keeps resurfacing and getting in the way of the main attraction. Add to that a rather lackluster climax and you have an enjoyable but forgettable shark chiller. C+
We start off in the near future (very near, considering the film’s 2001 release date). The chronologically previous movie, Freddy vs. Jason, would have taken place around 2008. That one left Jason “dead” (again) in the waters of Crystal Lake. But now we find him shackled and under guard at the Crystal Lake Research Facility. They built a whole place just for our boy. There, scientists are studying Jason’s ability to regenerate, but he’s too much of a loose cannon. So the plan is to put him into cryogenic suspension — freeze him — and make him someone else’s future problem.
But Jason is in a mood about being locked up, so he escapes and runs amok. After killing some folks, he accidentally breaches the cryo-unit, putting himself — and Rowan LaFontaine, the facility’s project leader — on ice for awhile. A very long while.
Chopsicle!
Flash-forward to the year 2455. Jason and Rowan have been popsicles for 455 years. Earth (a.k.a. Earth Prime, ™ DC Comics) is an uninhabitable wasteland, a dead planet. A team of young scientists — archeology students on a field trip — discover the frozen pair and take them back to their spaceship. Rowan is revived, but Jason is assumed dead. That’s a big mistake, especially since Future People know all about Jason Voorhees who “killed nearly 200 people and disappeared without a trace” in the distant past.
“I’ve been asleep for 455 WHAT?!”
As expected, Jason thaws out and starts attacking everyone in sight. The scientists don’t stand a chance. The students are helpless. Even a squad of soldiers (swiped directly from James Cameron’s Aliens) get wasted by a very cranky Mr. Voorhees. The team’s original plan was to reconnect with the space station Solaris before moving on to Earth Two (also ™ DC Comics), but that goes haywire when Jason causes the whole station to explode, leaving our remaining characters trying to survive long enough to escape their failing ship.
Luckily, a female android named Kay-Em (also swiped directly from James Cameron’s Aliens) is upgraded to super-tough Terminator mode (swiped directly from James Cameron’s Terminator). Kay-Em manages to dismember and semi-decapitate Jason, but the big lug falls onto the med-labs healing unit. Oops.
Not at all inspired by Terminator.
Nanites swarm all over his bits and pieces, fixing what’s left of him and…improvising the rest. The result is Über-Jason, an unstoppable cyborg behemoth — vastly improved, but still uglier than a baboon’s butt. Chaos ensues: a countdown to the ship’s destruction, a hole in the hull, a space walk. All of of these sci-fi movie tropes survive into 2455, so we can rest easy, knowing they’re safe.
Makeover Madness
This time, Jason seems to be permanently defeated — blasted into space and burning up on reentry in Earth Two’s orbit. It’s really over. I mean, sure, a couple of teens necking in the woods of Earth Two see a shooting star, and Jason’s broken mask splashes down in a lake. But this is the last sequel before the reboot, right? And the reboot is its own separate universe, isn’t it?
(It’s not and it isn’t. The “reboot” is in-continuity as an actual SEQUEL to Jason X. Really. I mean it!)
I know I’m supposed to hate this movie. But I don’t. It’s goofy and the CGI is shaky, but for some reason, I’m on board with these one-off “experimental” Friday the 13th movies. Telekinetic girl? Cool. Body-jumping? Alrighty. Jason in space?? Gimme!
Cold-blooded kill
Yes, it’s incredibly derivative and feels like a syndicated sci-fi show from the mid-1990s. Camp, intentional or not, abounds. The acting is hokey. But it has an abundance of post-Scream, self-referential charm and a pretty quick pace. Kane Hodder takes his final turn as Jason here, and still pulls off an effective performance despite the rather clunky Über-Jason suit. This entry gets a lot of flack — like Goes to Hell — for going off-book, but ultimately, it’s refreshing and fun, so it totally has my support.
Other things worth noting…
Somewhere between Freddy vs. Jason and now, Jason found himself a new mask. This one has the red stripes — and even the Part 3 crack — but the nose is more pointed. I guess he found his look and he’s sticking with it.
He just wants Spock’s autograph. That’s all.
The head doctor at the Crystal Lake Research Facility is played by director David Cronenberg, who REQUESTED to be in this movie. Except for The Fly, I’m generally not a fan of his, but this scores him some nerd points. He also directed an episode of Friday the 13th: The Series (season one’s “The Faith Healer”).
Rowan says that the “first time they executed” Jason was in 2008. This totally syncs up with my timeline, which places Jason Goes to Hell in that year and leads into FvJ. At the start of Goes to Hell, Jason is killed by federal agents. To me, that qualifies as an execution. It’s all accidental, I’m sure — I don’t think anyone involved in these movies gave continuity a minute’s thought — but my timeline turned out to be solid. I’ll put it on my resume!
Not a porn parody.
Favorite moment: Jason’s holodeck visit to 1980 Crystal Lake is comedy gold.
The So-Called Reboot
This is it. The twelfth and final (for now) Friday the 13th movie. This is the one that everyone calls a “remake” or a “reboot.” I call it a sequel — a sequel set decades after Jason X. But I’ll get to that soon.
We start in flashback. It’s June 13th, 1980 (which was indeed a Friday). A “Camp Counselor” (that’s what she’s called in the credits, so she’s NOT officially Alice) is in mid-confrontation with a recast Mrs. Voorhees. Little Jason watches from the woods as his mom is decapitated. After Not-Alice leaves, he sneaks out, steals Mom’s machete, her locket, and her head. It’s nice to have keepsakes. “Kill for mother,” says Mrs. Voorhees in Little Jason’s screwy mind, and he scampers on his merry, deformed way.
Then we have a classic Friday time-jump to Crystal Lake, 2009. It’s present day (the movie was released in February of that year). A small group of college kids are hiking through the woods for a night of camping — although two of them are more interested in a massive weed-crop nearby.
A split decision
Having entered Jason’s territory, the kids get what they get — which, to be clear, is viciously murdered. Or so it seems… The best thing about this pre-title sequence is that, at 25 minutes long, it feels like a short film; a mini-Friday the 13th movie before the main feature. And get this — it’s Sack-Head Jason! My favorite! There’s some excitement, some drama, boobies for those who like them, a few gruesome kills, and then…
Nice try, but that yokel can’t read.
Time-jump! But it’s a small one of just six months to where the real story starts. Sam from Supernatural has come to Crystal Lake in search of his sister Whitney, who was one of those aforementioned college kids. He meets some locals and an entirely new batch of victims. Most of those victims, though, are very, very annoying. The only exceptions are Killer Frost from The Flash, who seems nice and sympathetic, and her boyfriend Trent, who is the King of Assholes. Trent will be important later, so remember him.
Trent is the worst.
All these dumb characters, along with Killer Frost from The Flash, are staying at Asshole Trent’s summer cabin, smack in the middle of the woods. For Jason, it’s his version of Fresh Direct. One by one, Jason meets and greets these dunces. Not a single one of them is a loss. Not since Part V has there been such a crappy crew of corpses. The worst are the “comic relief” characters. We get two of those, along with their relentless series of beer, pot, and masturbation jokes. You will cheer when they die.
One otherwise forgettable kill results in Jason finding his most important prop, and he upgrades from a potato sack to his iconic hockey mask. He looks at himself in the mirror afterward, trying to decide if he’s cute. (He isn’t.)
“See the pretty girl in that mirror there…”
Anyway, surprise! Jason didn’t kill Whitney, the sister of Sam from Supernatural. He’s got her chained up in his underground lair like he’s Buffalo Bill. Remember that locket Jason stole from his mother’s corpse? It contains two photos, one of Baby Jason, and one of Mom — and Whitney is the spittin’ image of young Mrs. Voorhees. (This is because the actress playing Whitney posed for that photograph. No flies on me.) Now, amidst all the slaughter, Sam from Supernatural and Killer Frost from The Flash have to go rescue Whitney. But Jason has built an entire network of underground tunnels beneath Camp Crystal Lake — because that’s what you do when you don’t have cable or a PS4. A subterranean melee ensues, with running and screaming and stabbing and death, as they try to free this dumb girl (who looks a lot like the original Pink Ranger) from captivity.
It’s screamin’ time!
In the end, Jason is defeated (or “defeated”), which is what usually happens. But while there’s a hint of more to come, outside of fan films, there hasn’t been a new Friday the 13th movie in over a decade. All sorts of court battles have prevented a thirteenth entry from getting off the ground. That’s unfortunate (because I want more) but maybe also a blessing (because I don’t trust them not to screw things up). Guess we’ll see what happens.
There was a run of these horror remakes/reboots around this time, and tonally, this sits comfortably alongside some of the better ones, like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (also directed by Marcus Nispel) or The Hills Have Eyes. Apart from a couple of aggressively irritating comic relief characters, the entire tone is deadly serious, if not flat-out grim. There are no little winks here, and although references to previous entries are sprinkled throughout. Jason is taken seriously, which results in a pretty gritty viewing experience. It’s well-shot, energetic, occasionally suspenseful, and some sometimes thrilling — and it doesn’t feel cheap.
Jason is rightfully annoyed by the comic relief characters.
This new Jason (Derek Mears) is no Kane Hodder, but he feels imposing and dangerous, while still human — and he’s fast! I like him.
The extended “Killer Cut,” which is my go-to, runs about ten minutes longer than the theatrical version, and despite some pointless conversational padding, it features a somewhat exciting escape sequence, slightly more vicious kills, and maybe a pinch more sex than the movie really needs. At 1 hour and 45 minutes, this cut is longest movie in the series. Jason Takes Manhattan comes in second, at 1 hour and 40 minutes, because it only exists to punish us.
“EEEEEK!!” screams Trent.
Anyway, this “update” was supposed to be a fresh start. A reboot leading to more films…
Except it isn’t a reboot. I’ll explain.
A major plot point in Jason X was that Earth is dead, and what’s left of humanity has relocated to Earth Two. At the end of that film, we only see a tiny bit of it: a patch of woods and a lake, plus a couple of teens. My theory is that this movie takes place on that planet: Jason X’s Earth Two. It doesn’t LOOK like the future, nobody ACTS like it’s the future, but the way I see it, just getting everyone to this new planet was a drain on scientific and financial resources. Essentially, in order to survive, the people of 2455 had to become “pioneers,” in a way, roughing it out in a new frontier. For them, that didn’t mean living in log cabins or riding horses. They “roughed it” by abandoning their expensive tech for an early 21st Century lifestyle. They use simple technology (cars and cell phones) and live in average, no-tech homes. By the time this movie takes place, it’s a generation or two — or even three — after the relocation. For the kids in this movie, who only grew up knowing this “21st Century” environment, this is normal life for them (which is why the space stuff is never addressed).
Then we get to Jason. At the end of Jason X, he essentially became a shooting star, burning up as he fell from orbit. I think he DID die, as he’s died before. But the Powers That Be…the forces of Hell…whatever you want to call the supernatural powers that guided him (and resurrected him) all those times…they deemed that the universe MUST have a Jason. Hell’s agent of death must walk the Earth. So to achieve that, Pamela Voorhees was born (again), had a child who “drowned” (again), and she sought revenge (again). And that’s how Jason — this reborn Jason, infused with a killer instinct from his previous existence — came to be. (This also syncs with why the camp counselor who kills Mrs. Voorhees this time isn’t Alice. Alice doesn’t matter in the bigger equation.)
Fake Mrs. Voorhees, pre-decapitation
It’s out there, I know. It’s a reach, I KNOW. But there’s also this…
Remember Asshole Trent? (I told you to remember him.) He spends every moment in this movie being an absolutely relentless dick. Asshole Trent is played by actor Travis Van Winkle. Travis Van Winkle also played an asshole named Trent in the first Transformers movie. Both Transformers and this Friday the 13th were Micheal Bay productions, hence the connection. With that in mind…are the two Trents the SAME Trent? If so, this Friday takes place in a world where advanced technology, alien robots, and all kinds of sci-fi shit actually exists. It’s entirely possible that Transformers took place on Earth Two, a generation or two after the relocation from Earth Prime. Now, a couple of years after the Autobots fought the Decepticons, we pick up on (and — spoiler alert — end) Asshole Trent’s story.
Trent was inflicted upon us in two films.
Okay, okay, I’m not sure even I buy my own patch for this. But the idea of a Friday reboot rather than a sequel really bugs me, and when I saw a way to “fix” it, I wasn’t gonna let it slide. And it does track. Sort of. So yep, this is the 11th sequel. You’re welcome.
He’ll be back again someday…
That’s a wrap on these lengthy Friday the 13th reviews. If you’ve read them all, or if you’ve only read one or two, thanks for checking them out. Maybe I’ll tackle another franchise someday. I’ve been itching for a Resident Evil rewatch lately…
When last we saw our snappy slasher, Jason was apparently transformed into a completely normal-looking human child, wearing his best underpants and shivering in the sewers of Manhattan. Remember that? Well, forget it, because it’s never addressed again. This sequel opens at Crystal Lake, where Jason is home, masked, and in killing mode. How did he return to Crystal Lake? Well, I’ve had an idea about that since 1989 which I might write down someday. What really matters is that our boy is back in the woods, fully grown, and Chapter 8.5 is a story that’s yet to be told.
This entry starts with a pre-credit sequence: Jason is hunting a lone female camper — but just as he goes in for the kill, we discover the whole thing is a set-up. The camper is a Federal agent, and Jason is ambushed by a swarm of agents who shoot him full of lead before blowing him to pieces with a grenade. His legs go one way, his arms go another, and bounce-bounce goes his head. Jason is officially dead. Again. Until next time.
Jason is ahead of this situation.
Then things get nutty. The coroner finds himself compelled to eat Jason’s still-beating heart. Then he becomes possessed by Jason, whose spirit proceeds to body-jump from one person to the next: Coroner to cop to sleazy TV journalist, etc. It’s a funky choice. Jason is much less intimating when he’s a chubby 55-year-old dude in a lab coat and tie, but off they go. Jason is on a mission. He needs a new body, and the only way that can happen is by…creating mythology!!
So here’s the deal: A bounty hunter named Creighton Duke — who knows a lot of stuff because he read the script ahead of time — says that the only way to kill Jason is to destroy his heart, and that deed must be done by a Voorhees. If not, Jason will use that Voorhees as a vessel through which he can be reborn. But where the hell is there another Voorhees? Isn’t Jason an only child? Not anymore…
“I’d like some mythology and a Diet Coke.”
Waitress Diana Kimble has a secret. She’s Jason’s sister. Diana has a daughter named Jessica. And Jessica has an infant daughter named Stephanie. That a whopping THREE Voorheeses! It’s never clear if Diana is a full or half-sister, but I find it hard to believe that wacko Pamela had more than one kid. Diana is more likely the offspring of Elias Voorhees, who finally gets an official mention here and becomes canon.
“My mother did WHAT?! My brother is WHO??”
Meanwhile, Steven — Final Boy and hero of our little rule-breaking film — is pulled into this complicated (for a Friday movie) plot when he’s blamed and jailed for Diana’s murder. Steven, played by John D. LeMay, is best (and only) known as Ryan on Friday the 13th: The Series. The scuttlebutt is that the character was supposed to be a returning Tommy Jarvis — but when Paramount sold the rights, Tommy wasn’t part of the deal. Bye, Tommy!
“Running an antique store was much easier.”
All these moving parts are swirling around: A bounty hunter, next-gen Voorhees relatives, this hapless Tommy replacement getting thrown into the chaos, an abundance of body-jumping weirdness, and Jason (but not Jason) killing everyone he sees. And what’s crazy is that it all (sort of) works! People hate on this sequel, but I’m not mad at it. It’s cheesy sometimes and it totally breaks the formula, which at this point is refreshing.
The kills are wonderfully gory on occasion — but only in the unrated cut — and the script isn’t that bad. The main characters are interesting and well-performed, the “colorful” characters (one of whom is played by gay scamp Leslie Jordan) are fun, and the whole thing is pretty lively. The movie is always in motion and there are few, if any, dull moments. It has a sense of humor and a bit of self-awareness. Rewatching it, I was completely engaged — and it’s a ray of sunshine after the awful eighth entry.
Jason comes to grips with his fate.
It’s true that, except for the opening moments, it doesn’t feel like a Friday the 13th movie at all, but at this point, I’m happy to see an attempt at something new/different.
Some quick bits…
The opening scene relocates Crystal Lake to Connecticut. A road sign puts it not far from Westport, but closer to Fairfield. Then Jason’s still-smoking remains are flown to the Federal Morgue in Ohio, and he (in the body of Coroner Phil) walks all the way home, to what should be New Jersey…oof.
Crystal Lake…Connecticut?!?
The diner in Crystal Lake is decorated with hockey masks, weapons, and they serve “Jason burgers” shaped like hockey masks. Remember when I said Jason was a brand? There ya go. Tourists love him…until he kills them.
When Jason is reborn, he emerges fully clothed and with his hockey mask in place. It doesn’t make a lick of sense, but it’s better than boxer shorts, so I’ll allow it.
There are some fun Easter eggs tucked away in the Voorhees House (the enormity of which again has me convinced that it’s the home of wealthy Elias, rather than Pamela, who took a job at a janky-ass summer camp to feed her ugly kid). Look for the crate from Creepshow, the Necronomicon from Evil Dead (literally the prop, lent to the director by Sam Raimi) and…a very big, prominent one at the end (spoiler alert: it’s Freddy Krueger).
Do not read this book out loud.
The presence of the Necronomicon (and the shameless embrace of Jason’s ties to the supernatural) provides answers or raises questions, depending on my mood. Was Elias so steeped in this stuff that, decades ago, he unleashed supernatural forces on Crystal Lake? The apparitions we’ve seen over the years, Jason’s near-invulnerability as a human, his literal resurrection as a zombie…could all of it be the result of Elias casting some dark spell? Or is Pamela to blame? When she thought Jason drowned, did she go to grim, magical lengths to bring her son back to life? Those Easter eggs, just nifty little props, open up some doors, story-wise. They might even explain a few things.
Trivia alert! Kane Hodder is wearing Freddy’s glove.
Favorite moment: The final shot of this movie is EVERYTHING.
The One with the Crossover
Freddy vs. Jason isn’t the tenth movie in the series — it’s the 11th. But continuity-wise, it slides in right after Jason Goes to Hell, so that’s how I watch it. It took ten years and a bazillion drafts to get this thing made (they even wrote a book about it: Slash of the Titans: The Road to Freddy vs. Jason by Dustin McNeill). Ultimately, while not a fantastic piece of work, it’s fun and it delivers. But of course, somebody had to screw up something! I’ll get to that in a minute.
The deal here is that Freddy is (more or less) dead — or at least rendered inert — because nobody remembers him. “I can’t come back if nobody is afraid!” So his big plan is to send Jason back to Earth (specifically to Springwood) from Hell to “make them remember what fear tastes like!” If the kids remember Freddy, Freddy can kill the kids. The circle of life, y’all. So Freddy impersonates Mrs. Voorhees (recast with a rather intense actress) and gives Jason his marching orders.
She’s no Nancy, she’s no Ginny, she’s just…Lori.
Meanwhile our main girl, Lori, is living in Nancy Thompson’s house from A Nightmare on Elm Street (that’s 1428 Elm Street — now go win a trivia game). She and her batch of doomed friends are in the soup almost immediately, when Jason makes his first kill in an upstairs bedroom. Before you know it, they’re running around town, teamed up with two teens who escaped the Westin Hills psychiatric hospital (see A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors), and trying to stay alive.
Initially, Jason acts as muscle while a weak Freddy taunts his victims, but as Freddy gains power, Jason’s usefulness comes to end. Unfortunately, Jason crosses the line when he kills a dreaming victim (in the real world), stealing Freddy’s teenage prey. The love affair is over.
The peaceful comfort of an adjustable bed.
The Springwood kids are just now finding out that Freddy even existed. The whole town covered up his murders (from before and after he died) and the teens who got too close to the truth were committed to the asylum and given Hypnocil (again, see Dream Warriors — you won’t regret it) to prevent them from dreaming. Once it’s clear that Jason is on the loose, the kids learn his story, too, so the franchises are clashing in almost every scene.
A short dream sequence flashes back to Crystal Lake 1957, where we see Little Jason being mocked and thrown into the water by a bunch of jerky kids. Is this how it really happened? There’s no way to know for sure, but there’s likely some truth to it. In one of the earlier drafts of this movie, Freddy was supposed to be a Crystal Lake camp counselor, but that idea was kiboshed, probably because it tainted Jason’s origin story.
He wasn’t a very good swimmer.
Anyway, the two monster dudes have a couple of big, set-piece fights — and they’re awesome, over-the-top, comic book battles. They’re stylish, with great use of bold color, and each guy gets in some gory hit points.
The first of those battles is in the dream world, and that’s where…sigh…somebody drops the ball. Somebody always drops the ball…
Hijinks and shenanigans!
See, someone decided that Jason needs a weakness. As Jason and Freddy fight in what looks like a large factory, Freddy breaks an overhead pipe. Then, as water comes rushing down, he “discovers” that Jason is…afraid of water?! Inspired, Freddy bursts even more pipes and Jason stands there frozen in terror. It’s incredibly dumb. We’ve seen Jason in the water SO many times. He was lurking under a raft in The Final Chapter. He popped out from under Tommy’s canoe in Jason Lives. He fucking swam to New York in Jason Takes Manhattan! So, no, dear filmmakers…Jason is NOT afraid of water, and certainly not terrified of a light shower coming from a bunch of pipes. But hang on — I’ve got it covered!
I’ve decided that it’s not the water that Jason’s afraid of — it’s the environment. The pipes, the rushing water…there’s only one thing that he can be remembering, and that’s his hellish experience in the sewers of New York City. See? That crappy Jason Takes Manhattan is finally good for something! My theory is confirmed when, at the end of dream sequence (which is happening in Jason’s mind), Jason turns into a wet, shivering little boy (deformed, because at least they’re on top of THAT). It syncs up with what we saw in Jason Takes Manhattan. Whatever happened to him at the end of that movie, real or imaginary, did some mental damage.
The boy, Jason.
The second FvJ fight takes place in the real world, after Lori physically pulls Freddy out of a dream. This one is a fight-to-the-death bloodfest. And Jason bleeds a LOT, which means that in being freed from Hell, his body is (more or less) human. He’s no longer a rotten zombie. They were drifting away from that with the last movie, anyway, but at least now, being “reborn,” there’s some continuity coverage.
Who wins? Whoever you like! They did a good job of not disappointing fans of either slasher. (But it’s Jason because Jason is awesome). And while it does feel like more of an Elm Street film than a Friday, Jason is central to the plot so Voorhees fans won’t be disappointed.
Freddy got chopped.
In other news, we learn that Crystal Lake is about a 15-30 minute drive from Springwood. But Springwood is in Ohio. In the last movie, Crystal Lake was in Connecticut, and, historically, it’s been in New Jersey. I have no patch for this, though. Geography, like math, ain’t my friend.
Next week: I wrap up this series with a trip to the future, and cover the “reboot” that’s really a sequel. Really.
They killed Jason. They brought him back as a murder-zombie. Friday the 13th fans have seen it all, right? NOPE! This time, the high concept is “Jason vs. Carrie.” In an endless quest to keep the series fresh, this movie introduces a new nemesis for Jason — the telekinetic teen Tina Shepard. Where’s Tommy? Who knows. Let the makers of fan-films deal with him.
Starting at the site of what was once Camp Forest Green, we’re thrust into the life of young Tina. She lives in a nice home where the camp once stood, with her mom and drunken/abusive father. After a household ruckus, Tina flees from the house and jumps into a small boat, pursued by her apologetic dad. But Little Tina is pissed, so she telekinetically destroys the pier — and kills her dad — with a death stare. And so it begins.
It’s not polite to stare…and kill your dad.
Several years later, Tina and Mom return to the lake house, along with Tina’s shady shrink, Dr. Crews. Crews, aware of Tina’s psychic abilities, is secretly manipulating the now-teenage girl for his own greedy pursuits. The slimy doctor torments Tina into having one of her many freak-outs, causing her to run to the lake and wish for her dad’s return. But, oops! Instead of summoning Daddy Shepard, she psychically frees Jason from his underwater chains, where Tommy Jarvis left him years ago. Coincidentally? A bunch of teens have moved into the house across the road for a birthday celebration. I wonder what will happen next…?
Sleazy Crews, being sleazy.
Jason makes mincemeat of the teens is what happens next. Meanwhile, Tina has a continuous series of fits about one thing or another. Sometimes it’s predictive visions of death and/or Jason. Sometimes she’s just in a mood. Tina is a lot. Tina is EXTRA. But amidst her fits, she finds a potential boyfriend with a handsome boy from across the road, Nick (soap actor Kevin Spirtas), who actually has the patience for her shenanigans. Bless his heart. Together, they’re the last ones standing as Tina has an epic showdown with the hulking, zombified Jason, her telekinesis turned up full-blast against Jason in his relentless pursuit.
Serial killer or decorative chandelier?
In the end, it isn’t Tina who defeats our favorite killer. Nope, nope. Tina somehow resurrects her dead father from Crystal Lake (who looks great, except for some smudges on his face). In a flash, Dead Dad re-chains Jason, dragging him into the depths yet again. All’s well that ends…in confusion.
While this isn’t the best executed entry, I do like what they were attempting here. We’re seven films deep and an actual effort is being made to keep things fresh. With Jason having been supernaturally returned to life, this “psychic powers” element feels like a natural progression. We’re no longer in the real world of Alice and Ginny. We’re in the land of the paranormal, and it works.
Aside from the kills, which are expected, of course, a couple of familiar notes are struck. Like Tommy before her, Tina just got out of a mental institution, guilty over killing her dad with her psychokinetic abilities. And similar to TheFinal Chapter, the house across the road is full of attractive young adults waiting to be slaughtered. Yet things still feel somewhat fresh.
Tina is having a mood.
Unfortunately, Tina (as played by Lar Park Lincoln) is a whiny, frumpy buzzkill of a lead character. It’s really hard to like this girl with all her gloomy crying. Still, Tina’s prolonged battle with Jason is a lot of fun (even if you do end up rooting for him a little bit). No one has ever been a physical challenge to Jason, so it’s nice to see him struggle for a change.
Most of the victims are bland and forgettable, with the exception of diva-bitch Melissa (Susan Jennifer Sullivan), who makes a fun impression with her catty, soap opera presence, and Eddie (Jeff Bennett), a sweet-but-awkward nerd. Thanks to the MPAA’s prissy interference, the majority of the kills are edited down to unimpressive slashings and stabbings. The remaining ones (like the infamous “sleeping bag” murder) only hint at what was originally shot. Did they think people were seeing these things for Oscar-level performances and insight into the human condition?
The worst hiding place, the best kill.
The WTF ending doesn’t do this movie any favors, when Tina apparently resurrects her dead father to drag Jason into the lake. It can’t be her dad’s actual corpse – the coroner would have taken him away years ago. He’s not even rotten. I think what we’re seeing is a visual representation of Tina’s mental baggage, as channeled through her powers. She’s likely tapping into Crystal Lake’s supernatural forces, creating a vision of her own, like the many we’ve seen before. Regardless, it’s dopey, and it feels sloppy and rushed. I don’t think anyone thought it through (until me, because I obsess about these damn movies). As for Jason, I reckon Tommy Jarvis didn’t tell the authorities about his body being chained in Crystal Lake for fear he’d be set free, so Jason’s emergence from that particular spot somewhat tracks. Nobody ever looked for him, so he was never found.
This is the first appearance of Kane Hodder as Jason. He’s hulking, intimidating, and powerful — the best of the bunch — and luckily, he sticks around for awhile. For some, myself included, Hodder is THE Jason, as much as Robert Englund is Freddy Krueger.
Buzz-kill
The New Blood has two healthy time-jumps. We left off in the vicinity of 1989, with Jason in chains at the bottom of the lake, just a few yards from Camp Forest Green. Tina is quite young when we first see her. Let’s say she’s 10. It’s hard to know when those homes went up, but if we split the difference and say it’s been five years since Tommy fought Jason, we’re starting off here with a 1994 flashback to Little Tina’s telekinetic tantrum. Assuming teenage Tina is about 16, the bulk of this film takes place in the year 2000!
Oh, and Crystal Lake? It’s back! No more of this “Forest Green” malarky. It’s never explained, but my take is that the murders have turned Crystal Lake into a tourist attraction. People want to visit the creepy Camp Blood and buy t-shirts and Jason masks. When they changed it to Forest Green, the tourists stopped coming and Wessex County lost money — so they changed the name again and Crystal Lake was reborn. Locals gotta make a buck…even if it’s tainted by five dozen dead teens. Want confirmation of this theory? Check out my Jason Takes Manhattan review.
The music by Fred Mollin is considerably less thrilling than what came before. He did the music for Friday the 13th: The Series, and that’s how this score sounds: dialed down and small, like it’s for TV. It bugs me. He’s back for the next movie, because that one doesn’t have enough problems already.
He’s ready for his close-up!
Favorite moment: Tina telekinetically destroys Jason’s hockey mask to reveal his nasty, rotten zombie face!
The Worst One
Part V had problems, but this one is a heaping pile of flaming poop. It’s the worst of the series, with a cheap, direct-to-video vibe and I have nothing but bad things to say about it.
We’re at the site of Jason’s “drowning by ghost” at the end of the last movie. Lo and behold, there’s been another time jump. The area has been completely overhauled with new buildings and signage, all very lovely. How much time would such an overhaul take? Five years? Let’s go with that. Welcome to 2005, kids! (This movie was released in 1989.)
Jason is still legendary. In fact, when he’s accidentally freed from his underwater trap, the first thing he does is snatch up a hockey mask that’s an exact replica of the one that he’s worn for years. It even has a crack in it from where Chris planted her axe in Part 3. Why would such a thing even exist? This goes back to my theory that the “Forest Green” name was kiboshed when the township realized that the Crystal Lake Murders had marquee value. Jason Voorhees is a moneymaker and Crystal Lake has become a legit, merchandised, tourist attraction. When Jason masks up this time, he doesn’t even know that he’s become a brand. (This merchandising theme is even touched on in the next sequel.)
Mask on, weapon up.
Things get sloppy right away, when a close-up of undead Jason’s hand reveals very normal-looking, non-zombified fingers sticking out of his gloves. They get worse when a flashback of young, drowning Jason shows a completely average, NON-mutated little boy with dark hair.
We quickly meet our “heroine” Rennie Fartface — I might need to fact-check her surname — who is played by a cardboard standee with hair (Jensen Daggett, who I’m sure is a lovely person). Rennie is bland, boring, and listless. She’s the worst final girl in the series; a tube of toothpaste would have more presence. And Rennie has problems. She keeps having nonsensical visions of a very normal-looking young Jason (with a full head of hair), a half-mutated Jason (also with hair), and later, a bald and fully mutated Young Jason. By the time this movie was made, the original Friday the 13th was a classic — familiar to anyone with a pop culture pulse. VHS existed. Photography existed. Reference material was available. But they couldn’t be arsed to even try getting it right (or even getting things consistent from minute-to-minute in their own film).
Rennie has a “range” of emotions.
The guts of the plot is that the graduating class of Lakeview High is taking a cruise to New York City (a cruise that departs…from a lake). Rennie is among them, but nobody really cares because she’s a friendless celery stick. Rennie’s asshole uncle is there, and he’s very unpleasant; a true garbage human. Jason stows away, killing everyone he sees on his first and only vacation. But once again, the kills are edited down to nothing and the victims are immediately forgettable, so the whole trip is pretty dreary. When the ship is damaged, a handful of surviving dullards board a lifeboat to my hometown, and Jason — who apparently has finally learned how to swim — follows them all the way to NYC. Maybe they’ll all get discount tickets to Cats.
The movie is an eternal 1 hour and 40 minutes long. They reach Manhattan just past the 1 hour mark. And when they get there, it’s Canada. Yep. Fucking Canada. I used a stopwatch and the actual Manhattan footage (most of which was shot in Times Square) is about six minutes in length (one minute of which runs under the closing credits).
Which way to Starbucks?
Manhattan is portrayed as a disgusting trash fire. It’s practically post-apocalyptic, full of sleazy back alleys, abandoned buildings, rampant crime, and drug users. Five minutes after arriving in the Big Apple, Rennie is kidnapped and forcibly injected with heroin — just before Jason interrupts her attempted rape. And everyone acts like civilization is 100 miles away instead of, say, a two-minute walk to literally ANY avenue full of people, police officers, and civilized society. Honestly, this depiction of New York is offensive to me, and I don’t offend easily. Anyway, rather than taking in the sights, Jason stalks the remaining tourists relentlessly, and every death is a gift because these are the worst characters in the franchise.
The cast upon seeing the final cut.
Then a big reveal comes via flashback, when we learn that years earlier, Uncle Asshole pushed Little Rennie into Crystal Lake — after frightening her with the legend of Jason. As she struggled to stay afloat, a young, properly mutated Jason tried to drag her into the depths. This, however, is impossible. Jason drowned in 1957. When Rennie was a child, he was well into adulthood, if not zombie-hood. Whatever Rennie saw can’t have been real, so let’s chalk it up to the Crystal Lake spooks and/or one of Rennie’s weird Jason-visions, which she repeatedly has for no reason. Or maybe Rennie was already shooting up heroin when she was 10.
Anyway, with Jason running amok, our two surviving idiots, Rennie and the cute-but-vapid Sean (soap actor Scott Reeves), eventually flee to the sewers, where a random worker informs them that the Manhattan sewer tunnels flood with toxic waste(?!?), every night (?!?) at midnight (?!?). There are also barrels of this toxic waste laying about for easy access. Sure enough, Jason comes stomping along, the sewer floods, and a now-maskless (long story), panicked Jason cries out in a CHILD’S voice “Mommy! Don’t let me drown!” before vomiting up a flood of…lake water. I want to punch this lazy, stupid movie in the face. Literally nothing makes sense — and they’re not done yet!
Pam’s little angel.
The toxic waste — for reasons absolutely unknown — turns Jason into a very normal, shivering, human boy, naked but for a pair or swim trunks (or maybe boxer shorts). This is probably an illusion. Maybe. But then Rennie and Sean seem to react to the sight of him, so who knows. Anyway, even if he IS a human boy, they leave him for dead. They have no fucks to give about some dirty, shivering sewer-child. Let the Ninja Turtles deal with him.
Then the two dolts walk outside and cheerfully joke about visiting the Statue of Liberty — which is what you do when your friends and family members have just been murdered, when you just left a dying child in a toxic sewer, and when you’ve been shot up with a dirty heroin needle.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think Jason was literally transformed into a child. With the movie firmly establishing that Rennie has visions of Jason — visions which, from scene to scene, are incongruous and inconsistent — it’s easy to dismiss that ending. Jason was probably swept up in the toxic waste, Rennie had another off-kilter hallucination, and we move on.
“Choose Your Own Jason”
If it helps, much like Part V, you can skip this one and it doesn’t impact a thing. In fact, Jason is inexplicably back at Crystal Lake when the next movie starts. Maybe he took a cab back from the city. They didn’t have Uber back then.
Favorite moment: Ejecting the disc from my Blu-ray player. Okay, okay. The boxing kill is funny, at least — and it happens on-camera, so they get credit for that. And Kane Hodder makes every Jason scene work; his name should go above the title of every Friday in which he appears.
Next time: The franchise shifts from Paramount to New Line and things really get crazy.
In the tradition of House on Sorority Row, Final Exam, and other early ’80s college-set slashers is 1982’s GIRLS NITE OUT. After the DeWitt University basketball team wins big during a championship game, the players and their girlfriends celebrate by having a costume party. Things get out of hand at the party when Sheila (Lauren-Marie Taylor) publicly shows affection for basketball mascot Benson (Matthew Dunn), a moment witnessed by her boyfriend Mike (David Holbrook). Mike makes a scene and storms out.
The next night, someone in the mascot outfit begins killing the all-female participants of the annual scavenger hunt, using a homemade glove with a claw made of knives (hello, Freddy!). With all the targets being women from a popular clique, does the killer have a misogynistic motive for the brutal slayings? Could it be Mike, still in a jealous rage over Sheila? Or maybe it’s Dickie Cavanaugh, a former university student who murdered his girlfriend years earlier and who may or may not be dead? And what about Benson? Hmmm…
Despite some good moments and an inventive killer, Girls Nite Out is unfortunately a misfire. Unlike Halloween, Friday the 13th, or similar movies, there’s no Final Girl or Boy to root for; the film is littered with too many uninteresting characters, with no central theme or plot line, creating a confusing web of relationships and stories. This is made worse by a slow pace and a meandering vibe that doesn’t push the story forward but stops it in its tracks. Friday the 13th Part 2‘s Taylor has the best kill, but if you’ve seen more then one of these flicks you can guess the identity of the killer early on. C
Girls Nite Out is available on Blu-ray from Arrow Video.
If there’s one thing Italian genre filmmakers knew how to do in the ’70s and ’80s, it was pumping out stylish, but cockamamie, slashers, and 1981’s MADHOUSE is prime example. Shot in Savannah, Georgia, the story follows schoolteacher, Julia (Trish Everly), on the days leading up to her birthday. After paying her psycho twin sister, Mary, a visit at the local mental health facility, Julia begins having memories of her dysfunctional childhood, which was made worse by the sociopathic Mary and her vicious Rottweiler.
Triggered by Julia’s upcoming birthday, Mary escapes the hospital and, with her trusty, bloodthirsty dog by her side, begins to kill Julia’s friends. When Julia believes Mary murdered one of her students, Julia’s uncle (Dennis Robertson) dismisses her as delusional, creating tension and paranoia in Julia – and a higher body count. Is Mary responsible for the killings, or is Julia just imagining it all in her clouded mind?
The movie is very well made and often has the look of a polished Hollywood film. Unfortunately, its characters and situations are presented so ludicrously that it’s difficult to take any of it seriously, especially when it’s trying very hard to be serious. It’s hard to muster much sympathy for Julia when her character keeps putting herself in hot water, leading to an ending that makes little sense and has zero suspense. Madhouse is a movie you’ll want to see repossessed. C–
What do you do when the lead character in your ongoing franchise is dead? Make another movie, regardless — with an imposter-killer — and hope for the best. That’s what happened here, except for that “best” part.
It’s been five years since Tommy Jarvis chopped Jason to death. The traumatized kid, now 17 years old, has spent that time in mental facilities, and we catch up to him as he’s being transferred to the Pinehurst Youth Development Center, a halfway house for troubled teens. Is Tommy ready to re-enter polite society? Oh, hell no. Exhibiting bouts of intense rage is the norm for this mostly silent and somewhat creepy Tommy — and rage isn’t a good look when Jason Voorhees is apparently back from the dead. Or does it only seem to be Jason?
When annoying Pinehurst resident Joey Burns is hacked to death by yet another troubled youth at the facility, it sparks a series of violent murders apparently committed by a dude in a hockey mask. It’s not quite Jason’s mask (which has red stripes vs. this one’s blue accents), but it’s close enough, right? And Tommy is crazy, right??
Every ten minutes, another half-baked, unlikable character gets offed, and while there’s a brief red herring in the form of drifter Raymond Joffroy, Tommy does indeed seem to be the culprit — until the final act. That’s when the young Jarvis arrives on the scene just as “Jason” is chasing Pinehurst’s assistant manager Pam and the ever-shrieking Reggie, grandson of the halfway house’s cook. If Scooby-Doo had a death-reveal it would play out like this, with fake-Jason impaled on the spikes of a tractor harrow, hockey mask asunder — as well as the Jason flesh mask he remarkably wore under it. The killer’s identity is identity revealed as Roy Burns, paramedic and vengeful father of the late, chocolate-stained Joey. And he would’ve gotten away with it, if not for that meddling Tommy Jarvis!
Tommy is innocent after all. At least until the last minute of the film where, recovering from his wounds at the hospital, he grabs a knife, dons Roy’s faux-Jason mask (both from his bedside table) and masked-up, prepares to murder Pam, essentially striking the same note as the end of the previous movie. “Tommy is the new Jason,” rinse, lather, repeat.
It was bound to happen. Welcome to the first stinker of the bunch. Jason is officially, biologically dead, so what do you do now? Easy. You hire a porn director (seriously that’s what they did), throw together a lazy script, and crank out a quick sequel which miraculously makes enough money that it doesn’t kill the series altogether (that said, the poor performance of this one negatively impacted its pretty terrific follow-up).
A pre-credit dream sequence — where Corey Feldman returns as young Tommy Jarvis for a scene foreshadowing the opening moments of the next movie — is fun, but as a Friday the 13th, it’s mostly downhill after that.
The problem lies with the characters, who are tied up in the knot of the premise. It’s a halfway house for socially dysfunctional kids — nobody likes each other, which makes nobody likable. The kids are antisocial nothings, which makes it more than easy to watch them die; it’s a blessing to be rid of ’em. But, on the plus side, there is Demon…
Demon, older brother of the aggressively annoying Reggie (a.k.a. “Reggie the Reckless”) is a leather-clad bad-boy and one of the few Black actors to wander through Crystal Lake (this movie does well in the diversity department, so points for that). In his brief time on screen, he’s engaging and funny to watch. He’s also another character who poops and dies with a dirty butt. Really, why is that a thing in this series??
Then there’s Ethel Hubbard and her son Junior, two filthy hillbillies (yep, hillbillies). When I first saw this movie, I hated them sooooo much! I don’t do well with comedic characters in my horror movies, and these two are living cartoons. But now I just want to give Ethel a big hug. She’s always pissed off and every sentence is peppered with one or two “fucks.” It’s a rare instance where a comic relief character helps the viewing experience.
Meanwhile, two leather-clad boys — looking like they fled a gay bar in 1958 — show up, talk to no one but each other, and make no difference to anything that happens aside from adding to the massive body count. As Alice said in the first movie, “WHAT is going on…???”
This Tommy recast (the first of two), as portrayed by John Shepard, barely speaks — but he does a good job of playing frantic, which is all that’s required. And with Tommy being 17, the timeline puts us in 1989 (which is four years into the future of this 1985 release).
The kills are quick and edited down to nothing — or they happen off-camera, thanks to the MPAA and a nationwide clutching of pearls. But hey, kids, there’s cocaine-usage and we get titties, so your mommas can sleep soundly at night!
Pam isn’t the worst final girl, but she’s as bland as Styrofoam and completely forgettable. Still, the big “Jason” chase is solid, except for Reggie’s endless screaming. Missed opportunity: stuffing Reggie in a meat grinder — I’d pay Broadway prices for that.
So is Tommy the new Jason? They try hard to make us think he is. But he isn’t. Jason is Roy. That is, until the end, when Jason is Tommy. Maybe. And if you interpret the final scene as a dream, which is entirely fair, it doesn’t matter. Ultimately, none of this matters. They drop the whole thing and never mention it again. The cliffhanger is never resolved (but I suspect Pam is fine; if it even happened, she probably just talked Tommy into putting down the knife). Fake-Jason/Roy Burns is never addressed again, either. In fact, this whole movie can be skipped because the 4th and 6th entries flow cleanly into each other. It’s worth seeing because it’s so bad — and it’s not the even the worst one!
Favorite moment: Every word out of Ethel’s mouth, you big dildo!
The One with Zombie Jason
Remember how the last movie ended? It doesn’t matter. After the disappointing mess of A New Beginning, the series bounces back in a big way — by almost completely ignoring the events of A New Beginning.
Tommy Jarvis has been institutionalized for years, and now he’s returned to Crystal Lake (renamed “Forest Green” after a million murders) to make sure that Jason is really, truly dead. So he digs up his grave and, through various hijinks involving a metal fence and lightning, succeeds in resurrecting Jason Voorhees. He even had the courtesy to bring along Jason’s hockey mask. Well done, Tom. The franchise thanks you, the fans thank you, and Zombie-Jason thanks you.
With Camp Forest Green, full of counselors and children, about to open, Jason has plenty of hapless victims to choose from, and for extra measure he offs some weekend warrior paintball players, two romantic couples, a cemetery caretaker, and a few police officers. Unfortunately, with Tommy being that notorious “crazy kid,” he quickly gets blamed for the murders by hot-headed Sheriff Garris. Before you know it, he’s in a jail cell. But thanks to Final Girl Megan, daughter of the sheriff, Tommy escapes to “permanently” defeat Jason by drowning him in Crystal Lake (or rather, Lake Forest Green), with a weighted chain around his neck. Sure…that’ll work.
This is one of the strongest entries in the series. It’s stylish, energetic, and full of intentional, sharp humor that actually lands. Thom Matthews is a bit stiff as Tommy, but he manages to pull off the character’s desperate innocence. It’s Jennifer Cooke (best known as the star-child in V: The Series) who really shines. Her smart and spunky Megan is second only to Part 2’s Ginny; few Friday final girls have this much inherent charm.
The story moves at a brisk pace. The over-the-top kills are quick and discreet (sometimes due to MPAA-related edits) but they don’t feel like cheats. Almost everything feels like its done with intent, so the result — while not as gory as expected — is effective. Most of the victims are likable and/or entertaining, which is a nice course-correct after the bitchy crew of Part V’s dumpster fire.
Continuity is fluid. You can choose to believe that Part V happened, or that this is a soft reboot that directly follows The Final Chapter. Both paths work, and a line of dialogue early on (“Seeing his corpse ain’t gonna stop the hallucinations.”) patches Part V’s ending and Pam’s attack…if you need it to. Either way, there’s another time-jump. Tommy now seems to be about 22 years old, putting these events even further in the future. This one takes place circa 1989 (in a 1986 theatrical release).
Jason is buried in the Eternal Peace Cemetery, a lovely piece of real estate compared to Mrs. Voorhees’s crappy roadside plot. But who’s paying for these graves and headstones? A scene that was scripted but never shot (but included in the novelization) reveals that Jason’s father — Elias Voorhees — has been footing the bill for the graves and the upkeep. Elias never appears on screen, but his presence is felt a few sequels down the road. It’s probably thanks to him that this supernatural stuff is happening in the first place. That whole family is an event.
Crystal Lake is no more. Because of all the murder and mayhem, it’s been renamed Forest Green. That doesn’t last, for reasons I’ll theorize about later, but despite the renaming, the story of Jason and his mom lives on. The minute Tommy identifies himself, everyone talks about What Happened Before like they’ve been listening to a “Camp Blood” podcast. Hell, one character has even invented a card game devoted to the Jason legend.
For the first time, we see children at Crystal Lake (oops!) Forest Green. Little kids, in actual danger! It warms my heart. That aspect almost reminds me of 1982’s Madman (which you guys should watch) which itself is similar to The Burning (which you guys should also watch). Matt recently reviewed both films right on this site and they are must-sees in the summer camp slasher subgenre.
Favorite moment: Jason leaning over that little girl’s bed is legit scary.
Return to Camp Blood will be back next week with two time-jumps and even more paranormal shenanigans, because at this point, the producers have nothing to lose….
