Anaconda – 1997, US, 89m. Director: Luis Llosa. Streaming: Starz, Tubi
Ants! – 1977, US, 95m. Director: Robert Sheerer. Streaming: N/A
Shakma – 1990, US, 101m. Director: Hugh Parks, Tom Logan. Streaming: Tubi
Squirm – 1976, US, 92m. Director: Jeff Lieberman. Streaming: Tubi
Tentacles – 1977, Italy/US, 101m. Director: Ovidio G. Assonitis. Streaming: Tubi
ANACONDA (1997) They don’t make gleefully ridiculous creature features like this anymore. While traveling through a remote patch of South American jungle, an urban film crew making a documentary on an Amazonian tribe is menaced by a humongous anaconda. Hip film student, Terri (Jennifer Lopez), thinks she’s in control, along with her jungle-savvy beau (Eric Stoltz), until they unwisely pick up stranded snake-hunter, Serone (Jon Voight), who manipulates them into catching and filming the anaconda—by which point the reptile has devoured several characters, including Owen Wilson’s hormonal surfer dude. The snake proceeds to chew up the rest of the cast, while Voight chews up the scenery. It’s all cockamamie and predictable, but Anaconda works splendidly thanks to its spirited sense of adventure and obvious homages to the “When Nature Attacks” movies that were so prevalent in the post-Jaws 1970s. Lopez and Ice Cube (as Terri’s cameraman) make a spunky heroic duo, and the mechanical snake FX are terrific. Would pair nicely as a double feature with the equally absurd but always enjoyable jungle adventure/horror Congo. B+
ANTS! (1977) A construction site unearths a breeding ground of poisonous ants, which sends the insects on a collision course with nearby Lakewood Manor, a posh country resort. Following the Jaws mold, the ants bump off several characters, causing hysteria at the resort with the possibility of the place shutting down. This is bad news for the owner (Myrna Loy) and her daughter (Lynda Day George) who are on the brink of selling the place to a sleazoid real estate agent (Gerald Gordon). This made-for-TV movie features several scenes of people covered in ants—most notably a pre-Three’s Company Suzanne Somers—but as with many TV films it moves at a slow pace, killing a lot of the suspense. It does build to a genuinely fun final act as the ants slowly cover the resort, trapping the remaining survivors inside. Slight but enjoyable. Also known as It Happened at Lakewood Manor. B–
SHAKMA (1990) The sight of an enraged, murderous baboon running amok and making mincemeat of its victims is quite amusing. Unfortunately, Shakma has so much working against it it’s difficult to recommend. While participating in an all-night Dungeons & Dragons-type role playing game, a cast of some of the dumbest characters ever find themselves trapped in a medical building. Soon, they’re stalked and dispatched by Shakma, a medically-tested baboon given an experimental serum by pretty boy med student, Sam (Christopher Atkins). Essentially a slasher with a maniacal primate in place of your typical masked madman, Shakma delivers some impressive scenes of said animal jumping and biting people—but none of these so-called scientists are smart enough to, at any point in the movie, look for a weapon or try to escape. The most intelligent character in the film turns out to be a teenage bimbo (Ari Meyers), who brandishes a kitchen knife as soon as she realizes what’s happening. After finding his girlfriend cut to ribbons, Sam tries to perform his own version of “Shock the Monkey” by setting a trap for Shakma, but ultimately he succumbs to his wounds. Garish lighting, an awful synthesizer musical score, and a lengthy runtime make Shakma a nice try, but no banana. C–
SQUIRM (1976) The isolated coastal town of Fly Creek, Georgia, is cut off even more from the outside world when a freak storm floods the roads and downs the power lines. Things are worsened when the electricity from the shredded power cables surges into the ground, causing millions of earthworms to come crawling out—with an appetite for human flesh. It takes a while to get going, but once it does this Southern-fried shocker delivers plenty of gory, squishy mayhem as various people have worms burrow into their skin or get eaten alive from the inside out. They even take over some idiot’s brain, turning him into a psychopathic zombie. Soon the entire area is overwhelmed in a flood of worms, trapping the survivors inside a farmhouse to do battle against the slimy horde. Inventive (and gross) make-up FX and a good cast help to make Squirm a fun little flick. Star Don Scardino went on to have a prolific career in television, including directing several episodes of critical darling, 30 Rock. B
TENTACLES (1977) This Italian-made Jaws rip-off is such a lame duck it’s almost charming. A giant octopus wrecks havoc at Solana Beach, a small resort town in California, where the usual stock characters of bikini beauties, gluttonous tourists, and empty-headed skin divers are high on the menu. And, wouldn’t you know it? The octo-monster party-crashes just in time for the annual regatta. This is strictly by the numbers—but it’s better made than the similar Italian production, The Last Shark—and features a bunch of old-timers going through the motions, including Shelley Winters, John Huston, and Peter Fonda (whose participation is all of a few minutes of screen time). The octopus FX are a mix of plastic tentacles, background screen projection, and the use of a real animal with miniatures. A ’70s crap classic from the director of Beyond the Door. Might be the only post-1950 movie to feature a character with an actual peg-leg. C