The Children – 1980, US, 93m. Director: Max Kalmanowicz. Streaming: Peacock, Prime, Tubi
Curtains – 1983, Canada, 89m. Director: Jonathan Stryker (Richard Ciupka). Streaming: Peacock, Roku
Hannibal Rising – 2007, Czech Republic/Italy/UK/US, 121m. Director: Peter Webber. Streaming: Tubi
THE CHILDREN (1980) A cloud of toxic pollution emanating from a nuclear power plant transforms a busload of kids into zombified killers. One of the the parents is hugged by her nuclear-powered son and microwaved into a pile of charred, bloody pulp. The local sheriff (Gil Rogers) deputizes a couple of nogoodniks to be stationed at a roadblock, which proves fruitless as the children continue to cook their way through the small town’s populace. Much like the zombies in a George Romero film—which The Children resembles quite often—the youngsters cannot be stopped by simple gunfire, but one of the survivors realizes cutting off their hands seems to put them down for good. Its nonsensical plot does little to dissuade one from viewing The Children as nothing more than silly entertainment, made by a handful of crew members who would later work on Friday the 13th, including cinematographer Barry Abrams and composer Harry Manfredini. B–
CURTAINS (1983) In order to prepare for an upcoming role, renowned actress Samantha Sherwood (Samantha Eggar) voluntarily checks herself into a mental hospital. Weeks of enduring the asylum don’t pay off when Samantha is stabbed in the back by her filmmaker lover, Jonathan Stryker (John Vernon), who leaves her in the nuthouse and holds a casting session at his country estate for more youthful actresses. Stryker’s plans are foiled when Samantha escapes from the hospital and does a bit of impromptu backstabbing herself—literally. Or so the viewer is led to believe when someone in a hag mask begins cutting down the competition with a razor-sharp scythe. Eggars is good but her character is too obtuse to care about. Most of the auditioning actresses are nondescript; that includes the real actors portraying them. The sole exception is Lynne Griffin (Black Christmas), whose bubbly comedian, Patti O’Connor, failing to be taken seriously as a dramatic actress by her peers is the only character trait that rings true in the film. Robert Guza, Jr. was a prevalent soap opera writer and his experience in that medium shows within Curtain‘s flashy theatrics, which for most of its running time are ridiculously contrived—but undeniably enjoyable. B–
HANNIBAL RISING (2007) The laborious and often needless origin story assigned to so many popular fictional figures is here given to everybody’s favorite cinematic serial killer—Hannibal “the Cannibal” Lecter. In war-torn Lithuania, 1944, young Hannibal witnesses the massacre of his parents at the hands of Nazis. Hannibal and his younger sister, Mischa, are held captive by local SS soldiers, including the wild-eyed psychopath, Grutas (Rhys Ifans, not dialing it down), who after ripping into the carcass of a pheasant with his teeth uses Mischa as a food source for his hungry comrades. The traumatic event turns Hannibal (the late Gaspard Ulliel) into a mild-mannered young man who harbors violent aggression towards his fellow rude humans. Hannibal applies his newfound psychosis to his martial arts training, orchestrated by his wealthy aunt (Gong Li)—and conveniently, Auntie’s in-house chef teaches Lecter about the importance of fine dining etiquette. After years of medical training in Paris, Hannibal plots his revenge against the men who slaughtered his sister, including Grutas, who in the decade following the war has become a sex trafficker—one of many hilariously overwrought moments found throughout this despairingly awful film. The most shocking aspect—and ultimately most disappointing—of Hannibal Rising is the fact that Hannibal creator, Thomas Harris, wrote the screenplay. D