Evils of the Night – 1985, US, 85m. Director: Mardi Rustam.
Memorial Valley Massacre – 1988, US, 92m. Director: Robert Hughes.
Tales from the Darkside: The Movie – 1990, US, 93m. Director: John Harrison.
EVILS OF THE NIGHT (1985) Aliens that look suspiciously like 1960s bombshells Julie Newmar (Catwoman in the Batman TV series) and Tina Louise (Ginger from Gilligan’s Island) subject teens to medical tests before draining their blood as a food source. The otherworldly beings bamboozle a couple of bumpkins (Neville Brand and Aldo Ray) into kidnapping their victims from a local swimming hole crawling with half-naked babes and horny jocks. Clad in Lycra miniskirts, the aliens and their busty minions use a hospital to cover up their devious actions, which conveniently saves the filmmakers from spending money on building a spaceship (judging from the production, the budget was probably around the same as an Al Adamson film). Several teenagers are kept in the basement of an auto repair shop and tormented by Brand, who skewers a blonde with a power drill when she tries to escape. The aliens ultimately fail at their experiments, with Louise melting into a puddle of green liquid before head alien scientist John Carradine flies back into outer space. Evils of the Night is cheap and unconvincing within the context of sci-fi/horror. The acting is ludicrous and the special effects are barely noticeable. It is, however, unabashedly entertaining in a train wreck way, with Ray in howlingly awful form. Worth watching for the bad movie lover. Ed Wood would be proud! B–
MEMORIAL VALLEY MASSACRE (1988) (AKA: Memorial Day) The grand opening of the Memorial Valley campground is hijacked by a bucktoothed halfwit who takes a disliking to the abundance of annoying vacationers who’ve invaded his territory. Since the majority of the characters are cretins, douchebags, and tools, the viewer will cheer for the bloody antics of the killer (Mark Caso) who, decked out in a dime store caveman getup, whittles down the camp’s population with axes, spears, and crude booby traps. The most irritating of the lot is an overweight brat who’s beaten with a log and his body dumped in a trash heap. A war vet and his bimbo wife are blown to bits in their RV after Caso ruptures the gas line. The kills are often elaborate and well-executed but the film itself is too flat to muster any excitement over. The same can be said about the screenplay, which spends too much time on a boring squabble between head ranger John Karry and the camp owner’s son (Mark Mears). That subplot goes nowhere, much like this incessantly moronic film. D
TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE (1990) Big screen adaptation of the syndicated anthology television series created by George A. Romero, who in bitter irony wrote the weakest of the three stories featured in the movie. The first (and best) tale is written by Michael McDowell and based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s short story about the resurrection of a 3,000 year old mummy used in a gruesome revenge plot. Romero’s take on a Stephen King tale results in the disappointing sophomore segment involving a hitman who meets his match in the form of a demonic cat. The final chapter livens things up with a terrific K.N.B. FX creature that comes to life after a lovelorn artist fails to keep a secret. Tales from the Darkside might not be on the same level as other anthology titles (namely Creepshow) but it’s entertaining, well paced, and a spotlight for a plethora of talented actors, including Steve Buscemi, Julianne Moore, James Remar, Rae Dawn Chong, and in the film’s wraparound, rocker Debbie Harry as a suburban cannibal. Flawed but fun. B
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